The fear

I feel like I’m going insane. No matter how much I talk about it with him, no matter how much he reassures me that although it’ll happen it won’t be sudden (and I guess it’s up to me), I can’t shake off the intense fear I get from it. Even him saying things like “it’s good to experience healthy endings” sets me off. It’s like a physical pain in my stomach. I know it’s absurd and pathetic to say this, (and untrue), but the anxiety makes me feel like I won’t survive it when it does happen. Of course I know it will end at some point, but I want it to be up to me, when I’m ready.

There hasn’t been any talk of ending anytime soon, this is just me being an idiot and reacting to something that hasn’t happened but that terrifies me to no end. I’m driving myself crazy.

I guess the question is.... How do you expect to feel about someone that means something to you eventually leaving /dying?

Of course an underlying fear resides in everyone about losing loved ones /people we know /care about. Many just push it away or act it out.

But feeling it is tough. You're feeling it. Talking it over and over will help resilience build. Help us Know that we have enough of that person so as not to feel completely lost when they've gone.

I find that the anxiety ABOUT something happening is a lot worse than the actual thing happening. Can you slow down your breathing, breathe deeply, meditate? Something to calm you down, so that you'll be able, if you choose, to think more logically about it.

How king have you been with this T? It took about 18 months for me to feel secure with my T, to know that she wasn't going to leave me because of anything I said or did (except threatening her or her family, which she said was a deal breaker and which I would never do anyway). And now, four years in, I know that I could survive if she did have to shut down her practice for soon reason.

It was a frequent fear during the first year of therapy, though. I found distraction the most useful thing to deal with the fear, get your mind focused on something else, read a book or surf the web or bake something.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have always gone through this with T’s even the bad ones, even when I ended it.
Current T I am lucky. He gets a lot of transference from the Priest (Fr) at my college. Fr has allowed me to maintain contact even after I graduated (back in 2000) and when I came home for the holidays he always made time for a visit. Then he left the college for a Parish and I panicked... but he gave me a new email address he set up just for me and others like me that were “professional” relationships but not in his parish. We are still in contact. For a long time it was only one or two emails a year and he was always quick to send a loving reply. Since I have started with current T there have been a lot more emails to Fr and he continues to reply lovingly and promptly. I am hopeful that “terminating” with T will be similar, where I am allowed to check in here and there. I *think*, transference aside, he would be OK with this but I have not asked because then termination fears will take over our sessions. I also know that T doesn’t want to hurt or retraumatize with me so, with the exception of something beyond his control, he would not terminate in a way that left me wounded.

I have a pretty serious case of "anticipatory anxiety." Sometimes I find myself saying, Well that Wasn't so Bad After All, was it?

I try to talk myself down by remembering the times that things weren't so bad as in my imagination!

As you know, I had an abrupt ending that nearly ruined me. I had a T that constantly said "I'm not going anywhere" So I trusted him and regretted it

However, one thing I learned about it since then.... and he kinda taught me this with regards to my dogs, is to just enjoy the here and now. NO relationship lasts forever. If nothing else, someone dies. There will always be loss.

The point is, you can spend your life worrying about the loss or you can spend your life enjoying what you have today. I used to be terrified to lose him, and I would literally get angry if he mentioned ending therapy. I eventually just let it go though and decided I wanted to enjoy the time I spent with him, and even though it's hard and I miss him and I've had days I wish I never met him, I am glad I decided to not focus on the end, but rather today

It's a hard skill to do, no doubt but it's worth if it you can.

Apologies for taking so long to reply, I guess I was mulling things over a little. Thank you to everyone who offered advice--it is very welcome.

DP, you are so right about living in the moment. I'm really starting to realize that happy people are those who stay in the moment and take things as they are. What is the point in worrying about something that is inevitable anyway? Maybe when it happens, it won't sting as much as the idea of it happening stings now. Maybe I'll be ready. I think the reason why I'm so scared of it happening is because I have always lost people when I least expected to, so I'm scared it'll happen again.

Coolibraian, I'm really trying to meditate more and to slow down. I think I got better at it since starting therapy, but I still have moments when it gets activated because I read too much into things and ruminate.

Mobius, I've been with this T for a year and 8 months. I think I'm partly anxious as he tends to see people on a much shorter basis....and yet I'm about to reach the two-year mark. I mentioned this to him before and he's been very reassuring, though he never explicitly said I could come for as long as I need to. Whenever I mention the fear of ending therapy, he always says that at some point it will end, like all relationships. He's never given me a time frame, and so I worry that he'll think I'm taking far too long and want to wrap things up pretty soon. I think in the past I posted about this, asking people how long they've been in therapy and I know that it greatly varies...but I guess I was looking for reassurance that unless they're moving or retiring, or unless they feel like they're not helping/doing more harm than good, therapists (in private practice where the patient pays out of their own pocket) don't just end therapy if the patient says they don't feel ready.

mcl6136, i have bad health anxiety and every time I get a clean bill of health, I tell myself "see, it was all in your head. next time you need to remember this and not worry so much". I can't seem to do it with abandonment anxiety though, because most times it's been as bad as I imagined it, sometimes even worse. it's like I'm able to smell it out before it even happens--i've always been intuitive when it came to it, usually with ex-boyfriends. Whenever i worry that it will happen, it usually does. T has been the only person who didn't fit the pattern (so far). I convinced myself a few times that he was going to move or end therapy with me, but he always proved me wrong. i feel like i'm hiding from some sort of horrible twist of fate that sooner or later will find me (probably when i don't expect it) and it will hurt more than any other abandonment i've ever endured.

I guess I'm at a point in life where things are still very stressful for me (outside of my control) and I feel like he's the only one who truly has my back. I don't have an issue with forming relationships with other people, and I have lots of friends who are supportive and understanding....but it's not the same. I'm scared of this primal attachment I seem to have for him and I don't see how therapy could end with me feeling ok about not having him in my life anymore. it really scares me, needing someone who I will have to give up at some point. changing therapists wouldn't help (not that I'm planning to or want to) because ultimately, I'd get attached to them too--it's just what I'm like sadly.

Sorry if this sounds really pathetic--the fear of it is just too real for me at the moment.

While still seeing ex-MC (before the rupture near the end), anytime I even *thought* about terminating with him, I would start crying. At one point, I told ex-T how, at that time, it felt like ex-MC understood me more than anyone in my life ever had. And I didn't want to lose that. She told me that even if we stopped seeing him, I could hold onto that feeling of being understood, that it doesn't go away. I did survive us eventually terminating, which was my decision, but the rupture led me to not be able to trust him anymore. I do wonder if that hadn't happened...would we still be seeing him? Would I have just managed to leave on my own anyway, especially after seeing current T?

Anyway, I had an email exchange with my T fairly early on in our relationship about fears of leaving ex-MC (pre-rupture). He said the following, which resonated with me, so maybe it would help you? "I hope you believe that, even if we were to stop working together, you would be OK - relationships come to an end sometimes - most of the time, in fact - and people heal from the loss and move forward to new relationships. I know you may read that sentence as a warning that I intend to leave. That is not the case. I simply want you to understand that you can, have, and will survive loss - even the loss of [Ex-MC] if/when that happens - and the same will be true for me when that time comes. I want you to feel whole within yourself. Relationships are marvelous, wonderful things and in many ways the most important thing we do. But they are also finite most of the time, and that's OK. We feel sad over the ending of a relationship - sometimes emotionally devastated if we are particularly close to the person - but we must always hold within us the understanding that "I'll be OK, and I will have other relationships, and I can feel close and trust people even though there is risk of loss."


May add more later!

Thank you for sharing this. The first part of your T's email resonates a lot with me because this is exactly what I do. I read everything as warnings that something bad will happen. Every time my T talks about relationships ending, I see it as a cue that I must prepare myself for it because the end of our relationship is around the corner/imminent. it's often a downward spiral from there, into a tunnel of anxiety and obsessively thinking back to any other "signs" that he's intending to terminate me, even though he may not have meant it that way.

The fear of my therapist abandoning me is greater than fear. It's more like terror. Whenever I feel abandonment might be happening, I feel like my psyche is going to break into tiny shards and fall to the floor. I feel like my soul will be destroyed. The CBT therapist told me that it is a happening due to my thoughts. And it is not good to say loaded words like my soul will be destroyed. BUt that is my fear. And I have been through it before. It is not hyperbole, it is real.

I wanted to share something I noticed within me, and I am wondering if anyone else relates. My last therapist that I was attached to, asked me, "If I went out there and got in my car and got hit by a mack truck and died, what would you do?"

I don't know how anybody else feels about that. But if he died I would be sad and upset and scared but I wouldn't feel abandoned. I think this is really telling.

So, if my current therapist got in a car accident and died, I would be really upset but I would not feel abandoned.

So, this tells me that what abandonment means to me. It means that he finally has found out that I really am horrible. When he says he has other things to do, my mind immediately goes to,

"He thinks I am too attached and is trying to frustrate me so I will leave of my own accord".

Or he thinks I am hopeless. He finally has figured out how stupid I really am. He is sick of me being attached to him and is taking off because he thinks I am too attached. I do this a lot, like is he using behavioral technique ugh.

Or he reads my subconscious material that i am unaware of which terrifies me.
He told me that he learned I guess more about me because I was telling him what I was doing with my phone. But I don't know what he learned and that horrifies me. I am terrifed that at some point he is going to figure out that it is not okay to be me.

So, my thoughts, at this point, are feuling my fears. I am trying to not go there, but it is really difficult. It causes me major anxiety. I am learning, albeit slowly, how to deal with all of this. I have hope but I am still fearful.

I am making progress although it is slowly. I am like the others, anything he says does, I think he does, I think he thinks will send me reeling and texting. I just got out of the hospital thinking I was much better. But this has been going on for years. And I know I am trying and I really worked hard in group.

So I am being compassionate with myself instead of hating myself. Hating myself protects me from all of the shame I have. Compassion doesn't. So it is difficult. I think I get angry when I feel helpless. It is like anger makes me feel more powerful. Because it blocks those emotions I don't want. It protects me from feeling helpless and worthless. I am not saying it is warranted, but that is what it does for me.

I feel like I could have written this myself. Thank you for sharing your story. My T asked me the "what if i got hit by a car/bus?" question too and my reaction was the same as yours....I'd feel intense grief but not abandonment. I think it's definitely something to ponder on.

I also have the whole "I am worthless, he'll soon realize this and tell me I can't come any more" feeling/belief. It really does take something out of you, feeling like the more vulnerable you become, the more you have to lose. I always feel like it's my fault.

I'm trying to be more compassionate with myself too, but it's hard. I can't seem to treat myself with the kindness with which i treat other people.

Interesting re: the hit by a truck thing. I'm finding that as I feel more secure with my T, I'm getting more worried about him dying. Like, "OK, maybe he's not going to abandon me by terminating me, so what other way will he abandon me?" I worry more with him traveling some this summer, too. I guess that would feel different from him abandoning me by choice, especially if that was in response to something I did, but it would still devastate me.

Thanks Merope/LT. I guess I think if my T abandons me that it means something is really wrong with me. I think I took it that way with my previous T. I am at what feels like a precarious position and it is keeping me on edge. I'll have to work on that today.