Advice wanted.

IDK, DP. The way you write about male friends as so different from female friends makes me think you may have unrealized expectations at work.

Does he still have a drinking problem or struggles staying away from it, or it's just something he had in the past? In any case, I personally would be a bit wary of someone who puts that sort of thing all over on FB, publicly. But maybe it's just me since I also had a drinking problem in the past and I know how it seriously messed up my otherwise pretty solid boundaries. I know as fact that I am far from the only one. If someone openly uses their addiction issues to advocate for recovery or to help others, that can be fine if they are not afraid of compromising themselves... but just for the sake of it? I don't know. Your long-term T also wasn't exactly famous for having good boundaries... do you find yourself being drawn to people like that somehow (a bit push/pull like you)? If so, perhaps that's something to think about as a potential source of hurts and negative experiences?

The other impression I get is that you may have this pattern with men because you actually deprive yourself from having relationships with them that you probably crave deep down. I think it is pretty unlikely to go away if you continue doing that forever. I wrote a post on your attachment in therapy thread this morning - might be relevant here.

If this is your first experience with an alcoholic, you may need to add another category. Which are kinda problematic to begin with, but this may be a horse of yet another color, and less subject to correct interpretation of the cause and effects of your mutual interaction. I.e., its not you, its him.

This probably isn’t helpful, but I have the exact same issues you do- but with women. It’s interesting to me that all of your examples I have the exact same responses, but with women instead of men. Hmmm.

He's more of an advocate about it. I like the open and honest aspect of it. He seems very accepting of people too which I think is great. I love reading the posts, they are uplifting and usually have a lot of really supportive comments.

I am not gonna lie, I loved loved loved being close with T... and feeling like I truly mattered to him. Feeling loved. However, once he left, everything snapped and I just went way back from any progress I made, now it's like, I want to trust... my T ant my friend but I am too scared to trust them much. I want to believe things they say but I can't. It's like it was literally the best relationship with a man I've ever experienced but at the same time, it destroyed me and I am too scared to do it again. So yes, I am aware I keep a huge distance

I think it's significant that your dad is an alcoholic and you're not close to him. I would think more about why that is given your affinities. It's possible that it's a coincidence, but I doubt it. Even if he himself was not abusive, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable due to his alcoholism, he failed to protect you from your mother and her abuse. Seems unlikely anybody would be unaffected by that.