not important

This week T picked up and brought up how often I say some variation of I don't feel important enough. She asked what are some of the reasons I dont feel all that important.

I gave her various reasons one of them is I frequently hear about how jovs, church functions, etc survived before me, will survive after I am gone, and will survive if I take a vacation. I rarely take a vacation because I feel bad for making my coworkers so short handed. I really do understand what they mean. However, it also hits the part where I often dont feel all that important in my personal life.

She responded she can't ever imagine ever interpreting that comment the way I do. She always interprets it to mean we need to take care of ourselves, we will be missed but everything will be okay.

I dont know why it bothers me so much but it does. Any insight?

This sounds like insecurity and codependency to me. Here's an article and also a link to an online enneagram test. I think you are probably a type 2 - but don't read about it before taking the test. Take the classical test. This isn't an empiracally validated clinical instrument, but when I took it, it was actually quite accurate - and helped me realize a few things about myself that I had never really thought about before.

The Need To Be Needed

Enneagram Test

Maybe because it felt dismissive. It doesn't matter what it means to other people. What matters is how it matters to you and having that witnessed.

To me, this sounds like an existential issue that everyone manages to, to some degree. Who wants to feel replaceable? How awful.

If you ever stop to observe human communication patterns, the majority of people spend a good deal of time justifying their worth and existence to others. Facebook and Instagram are great examples of this. What are all those posts really about? From my view, it’s people seeking importance and relevance in this crazy world we live in.

I think more sensitive individuals are especially attuned to their feelings of importance vs unimportance in life, which might be why it seems so big to you at the moment. When you spend a moment thinking about how small we are in the scope of the universe, it’s actually very scary.

I am a 6 according to the test

I never really realized how often I feel unimportant. It likely stems from my being abandoned by my bio dad. I was not important enough for him to stick around.

There’s your insight then!

Not to minimalize but I think most people with difficult unbringings have reasons to feel unimportant and the theme carries well into adulthood. Ie not important enough not to abandon, neglect, abuse etc.

How does one counteract this and feel important? No clue.

according to T it will take time and work because it is has become one of my core beliefs.

I think what bothered me most about her comment was that it just reinforced that my childhood sucked and I know she had a good childhood. It also makes me feel like total F%$* up.

Do you have things/occupations in your life that make you feel useful, accomplished, fulfilled, that you a sense of successful contribution? If not, or not enough/satisfying, that can easily lead to such compulsive needs. I have never believed that we are important just because we exist, that does not really make life meaningful.

Other thing might be having a too massive sense of responsibility - that can have many different root causes, I think.

“She responded she can't ever imagine ever interpreting that comment the way I do.”

I really don’t like her response. It puts her on one side and you on the other side. It feels very isolating to me.

I do have things that I love doing where I know me and the role I play is very important.

To the people who love you, you are irreplaceable—just as your bio dad was to you which is why the loss of him was so profound in your life. You are important.

And yet, the world will keep turning without each one of us. It is not true that we are generically replaceable in any sense. I have seen people leave workplaces and those workplaces were never the same after. And more often the impact was caused by the secretary leaving, not the CEO. But the world doesn’t grind to halt and things find a new rhythm eventually.

All this means is to think what is important to you, what your priorities are, what you want to be proud of when you look back on your life — and put some attention and energy there. You decide that you’re important and figure out who and what is really important to you.

I think the same thing. To me, nottrustin’s feelings are very, very common.

Perhaps this has more to do with my own philosophical belief system, but I think a lot of why we suffer as people is caused by fighting our feelings... thinking they are abnormal and we need to change them.

There are a thousand reasons each of us may feel unimportant. It could be a bad childhood. Or we may feel important today, but a horrific breakup in the future could change that. Maybe the approach instead of trying to feel important through ‘doing’ (or worse trying to feel important through a therapist) is to say to ourselves: “OK, I may be unimportant and I accept that. But it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be happy. I’m going to enjoy my relationships and enjoy my life anyway. I’m going to take that vacation because unimportant people deserve breaks too.”. To me, the grand acceptance piece is more empowering than trying to change a core belief.

Just out of curiosity, how old were you, NT, when your bio father left you?

Cool, I am a 5 wing 6, so I also have some 6 traits. Looking at descriptions of type 6, this quote stuck out to me:

The reason Sixes are so loyal to others is that they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear. Thus, the central issue for type Six is a failure of self-confidence. Sixes come to believe that they do not possess the internal resources to handle life’s challenges and vagaries alone, and so increasingly rely on structures, allies, beliefs, and supports outside themselves for guidance to survive.

I agree that the abandonment by your bio dad is related to this issue. Maybe you fear that being replaceable in your workplace or church events means that you are worth less than other people. My old boss used to say that everyone is replaceable. I think it's important to remember that the replaceable part is in terms of performing tasks - it's not on a personal level. It doesn't mean that you don't have value or you wouldn't be missed. And in terms of personal relationships, one person isn't replaceable with another. Maybe you could look for that sort of fulfillment in friendships.

13. it was complicated because for a while he would pick my brothers and take them places. He never once came for me. Then he stopped even seeing my brothers.

I am also a 5 but with 4 wing I found that Enneagram thing tremendously helpful about 10 years ago when I first got into it, not just regarding my own patterns but also as an aid how to understand and interact with other people, based on their perceived traits. It is much easier for me to carry a complex system like that in my head and try to use as a sort of map to navigate the social world, than the so-called empathy... At first I was very skeptical as there isn't much evidence behind it and some say it's like astrology (and I am a scientist)... but, for me, it's such a good fit I have never found in any other popular personality typing systems. I feel I and my life is such a prototype in that system, it is not even funny. I used it very consciously to try to improve myself in the past because it made so much natural sense - now it's kinda automatic but still think about it every now and then, also when I encounter someone puzzling, or just intriguing. I like all the dynamic and elegant complexity in it and the multiple layers with the instincts etc. It really helped me make sense of myself in ways therapy never even scratched... although I got into therapy for the first time a good while after my Enneagram passion. I also used it a bit to talk to my Ts about myself, to highlight some patterns.

[QUOTE=Favorite Jeans;6580578]To the people who love you, you are irreplaceable—just as your bio dad was to you which is why the loss of him was so profound in your life. You are important.

And yet, the world will keep turning without each one of us. It is not true that we are generically replaceable in any sense. I have seen people leave workplaces and those workplaces were never the same after. And more often the impact was caused by the secretary leaving, not the CEO. But the world doesn’t grind to halt and things find a new rhythm eventually.

All this means is to think what is important to you, what your priorities are, what you

Thank you for this. I do know and never question how important I am my children.

I am the unit coordinator/secretary at my job. When I am out the always comment on how glad they are when I come back because I keep the ship for sinking.