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Jul 14, 2019 at 01:29 AM
#1
T and I have over the yrs put together my first experiences.
From being in the womb of a violent alcoholic. To being in shock after birth and having that shock confounded by my adoptive mother. How do we know this? Because of how I presented. And little clues pieced together, ie, my adoptive mother would tell me how I never cried, would sleep through feeds. She thought this was"good baby" - at this T nods her head in disbelief. Adoptive mum would tell me of an old aunt of my adoptive fathers who would visit and say "don't the little mitr wake up for food"? Adoptive mother would say with a sort of sense of pride "no, it's like not having a baby" There, that statement there points to my adoptive mothers mind she didnt hold me in mind. I was not there. T said baby's in shock shut down. Adoptive mother had no ability to think about this. I wonder at times, Who was she? Where is she? What was it like? Is she there? Therapy is like a 'who done it' |
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 Lemoncake, SalingerEsme
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Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
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Jul 14, 2019 at 04:20 AM
#2
Oh mouse, reading your story really touched me. I feel for you. I hope you and your T will be able to process the pain.
__________________ Complex trauma Highly sensitive person I love nature, simplicity and minimalism |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2010
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Jul 14, 2019 at 06:05 AM
#3
Thank you for posting this mouse. T and I have just discovered something similar in my infancy although I was not adopted. I am not to the point of asking who the baby was yet. My mom was very rejecting in some ways, ignorant in others and just to complicate things really did want to be a good mom she just didn’t have it in her. My mom was alcoholic and did drugs. She didn’t even know she was pregnant until her third trimester. I was a quiet baby as long as I was left to my crib and cried violently if someone touched or held me.
This is where T and I will be exploring when he gets back from his training. Would love to chat with you more if you are open to it. I am finding this all so confusing with no one to talk with. __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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Jul 14, 2019 at 06:22 AM
#4
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Member
Member Since May 2016
Location: USA
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Jul 14, 2019 at 08:55 AM
#5
My adoptive Mom was fantastic ,she worked hard to help me repair the damage caused by birth family ,unfortunately she never saw the full metamorphosis in this world ,because I always carried a little hurt ,that I wouldn't let go of. That part of me got resolved in 2013/2014 .
It took me until I was 45 to realize the hurt I clung to ,was giving people that were dead the ability to do what they would love to see ,me sabotaging myself with the hurt ,as if it was part off there plan from the start ?. If things don't feel like they are supposed to ,how are they supposed to be,and how do you know ? Nothing is promised to be fair, and nothing worth having comes easily,would we really appreciate what we have if we didn't have to work to get it . Weather it's making peace with our past or accepting today ,the only balance we have is what we make .it ain't easy or cheap,celebrate the little victories instead of mourning losses. |
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Jul 14, 2019 at 09:23 AM
#6
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I agree. I have sadness for both my mother's. That's what separates me from my adoptive mother. I never stopped loving and hoping for love from her. I think she missed out too by not being able to feel her hurt. Her pain. Her traumas. Before therapy I was angry. Couldn't verbalise my hurt. And because my abuse was emotional, I couldn't recognise it. Therapy has given me narration. And peace with all my experiences. Still more to go. But its all good now. |
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 Omers
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...............
Member Since Sep 2006
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Jul 14, 2019 at 09:32 AM
#7
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I've also been wondering what it will take inside me, to see what my mother did offer and can offer in our relationship as love. My mom does/did love me. She even tries in her way. |
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Misterpain
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Jul 14, 2019 at 10:04 AM
#8
I am not saying it will be easy (Lord knows that would be a lie) but there is always something in "lieu of love" ,it could be simple or something completely dysfunctional ,ultimately it takes a strong person to do that deep dive .you will uncover some goofy stuff along the way ,its not a trip you take for the scenery ,dont let the goofyness of other things distract you from your goal ,in all likeliness when you have your answer on the love ,you will be able to fill in the blanks on other mysteries new and old.
Ultimately we are a composite of our experiences ,you may discover a habit or something self defeating that exists in you , that is a remainder of what your parent considered love ,it's not always easily identified and may be harmless ,but knowing what it is and why it is,is half the battle . |
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unaluna
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Jul 14, 2019 at 12:29 PM
#9
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The above is true. I struggled with pain killer addiction. T said, it feels like you're taking care of yourself when you swallow the pills. But they're poisoning you inside. Like your mother did. |
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Misterpain, unaluna
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
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Jul 14, 2019 at 01:13 PM
#10
I am just discovering all the neglect in infancy. I had been distracted by the other abuses in childhood and none of my T’s went any farther back than when the more obvious abuse started. My mother kept me away from my aunt with lies for many years and now my aunt and I are connecting. Even though my aunt has her struggles too in some ways I am at least getting the adult to adult mom relationship now. I am fortunate to have a very loving and gentle T. He does everything he ethically can to nurture me through this process. He has been doing this a long time but my history still throws him now and again. He is away this coming week but the week after is going to be a big session about the neglect.
__________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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Misterpain
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