Unjustified Anger At T

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. What an absolute nightmare. You're not doing anything wrong and your feelings are natural and normal under the circumstances. A good T would be hearing your anger and pain and empathising with you, as well as helping you manage the deep attachment feelings that you have. People often get deeply attached to T, it happens and it doesn't have to be a disaster...it takes a good professional T who is able to be self-honest, to bring it to a healing space and move you forward. I'm so sorry to say it but your T is just not getting it is he. He's so obsessed with his idea of keeping boundaries that he can't be WITH you emotionally. He has his own 'stuff' unfortunately and it's blinding him to what's happening for you. That's the impression I'm getting from your description anyway. Really sorry this is happening. You haven't done anything wrong. I would feel the same.

If you get your t to change what he is doing so he stops hurting you, then you have changed one person.

But if you can get yourself to change what you are doing so your t stops hurting you, then you have effectively changed the whole world.

Everybody is only with you for a given period of time. More or less time is meaningless. You are fighting over the control of that time. What does that control mean to you?

The client buys the time -thus the time is that of the client and is in the client's control.

You are correct. I misspoke. She is fighting for control of time OUTSIDE of that time. That is what confounds me. And that is what the t will not give her. And why is that a problem?

What I am doing wrong is confiding more than I feel comfortable with to people please my T in the hopes he feels like a good psychologist and likes me despite my past and gives me an "A" in therapy. Usually, I keep all my past secret , and it isn't in play in real life relationships in the same way. I guess it seems like such hard, risky, humiliating work, that my T cutting everyone back from 50 to 45 minutes seemed like the inverse of that cliche they say- never work harder than your client. My T is a brilliant guy, but somehow the cut back made me suspect he is phoning it in more than I thought. Never work harder than your psychologist... Una, to me what the time outside of time means to me is I'm entrusting my life to someone who genuinely cares. For example , when teaching English, I did not get paid to give kids extra help on their essays and could have said no and gone home right on the dotted line. But, I cared, like most teachers. I want a therapist who is that kind of person and not a time bean counter.

Seriously? This is about cutting back from 50 to 45 minutes?

I havent seen a 50 minute hour since maybe the 1980's.

Sorry if it seemed like we were ganging up on you. I can stay away.

Lol, Una, everyone is giving me lots of ideas and support, so there is no gang. You're the only one giving me a hard time, and I don't mind in the least. I'm thinking about what you say, though I likely wouldn't hire you to be my T .

All I really have for you is WOW



Given the choice of my way or the highway... I'd seriously be thinking of hit the road. Which is easy for me to say from over here. He clearly did not stay objective, hold the frame (third wall/letting it be about you, be curious about your experience), or create a safe and inviting space.

Your statement is very respectful, clear, and from the place of owning your feelings. It is not about him at all. This is a key thing for me, instead of him going to empathy or problem solving, he went defensive. He made it about him. That's a problem, in my opinion. There's lots of ways of dealing with the issue around closing or wrapping up a session. You were basically trying to tell him that his method is causing you pain and eroding your relationship. It's not really if its at 44 mins 3 secs, if it's at 48 mins or at 41 mins... is the abruptness of that ending and him not taking into consideration your need to transition out of wherever you've gotten back to the real world. And from what I understand, he also had issues the one time you did anything close to having autonomy over when to leave.

I don't know if you can work it out or if you should work it out with this T. I would say that as I understand it, this type of behavior is a major red flag for me.

eta - based on follow up posts, maybe the part about closing isn't as relevant.

I never give you a hard time! I have EXCRUCIATING t envy!! I want him to be my t so bad!!! When i read your posts, i put myself and my issues in your place, and then i awkwardly respond as if it were me.

Also, dont forget the pc convention - we blame and hate on everybody who thanks a post as much if not more than the person who wrote it. Them's the rules!

My take on it is that it's not so much about how much time there is or isnt but the fact the therapists cuts off the time so abruptly no matter what AND seems to get worked up when this is pointed out in a respectful way. OP you have every right to expect better.

To me that seems spot on.

I also have a T with super exact timing and I have had my fights over that, up to the point that I have started the timer exactly on the moment he answered the door bell and then waited later at the door but not stepping out of the consultation room before exactly the 45 minutes had passed. I did it for a number of sessions because it felt to me that he stopped the session on the 43.5 minute mark and as it took me less than 1.5 minutes to get out, he stole ca 45 seconds from me for bathroom and whatever. I found that if he is so exact in time, I can be even more exact and he had no choice but had to tolerate it.

But, he never got defensive over me pointing out these things to him. Sure, he has gotten angry at me and being also defensive but only after I've being consistently mean and attacking (and to be honest, I've done that a lot).

But - esme is not a child. She can tell time. She can control the use of the time. You are right, she always had the right to expect better. But she cant control the past, and she cant control the future.

I should be paying you guys!

Una, did you see the AND in the post you commented? I understood the comment was not only about abrupt ending but ALSO the T being a bit brittle when the OP expresses her frustration about it. Not one or the other but both together.

Yeah im suspicious of "it being pointed out in a respectful way." That sounds like me being passive aggressive - you cant get mad at me because im being polite, but boy i am really mad. So thats problematic in a twist right there. That "after time" is in a no-mans zone. How are they even talking, respectfully or otherwise?

Full disclosure - thats not how my last t ended sessions. It is how all my ts before him ended sessions.

Well, I don't know about "pointing out in a respectful way". I've understood that the rigid therapeutic frame is precisely useful for containing stuff, especially this stuff that is pointed out in a not so respectful way. If the frame cannot contain this stuff - whether pointed out in a respectful or non-respectful way - then what's the point of that frame?

What is being pointed out? "You are ending the session on time again"?

She is not saying what she really wants to say, what really needs to be said. She had time to say it during the hour, and she did not.

Now the hour is over. She doesnt want it to be over. She doesnt want whatever happened to her, to have happened. I guess. I really should make a study of this psychotherapy stuff.

There should be some papers or books on ending a session, what it means, etc.

Whatever is being pointed out. During the session time anything can be pointed out, including the frustration about the abrupt session ending - politely, respectfully, non-respectfully, passive-aggressively, angrily, disappointedly, whatever.

That's all ok, unless the T gets defensive about it.

The rigid frame draws these things out - now (the T) don't chicken out and work with what was drawn out.

Perhaps some problem solving rather than getting stuck on feelings (both parties). It sounds like one issue here is how abruptly the session ends. Can you and your therapist work on a routine that will allow for a better wind down in the last 5 minutes or so of your session? Maybe rounding out the conclusions of sessions will ease that abrupt ending and it can work as a way to reflect on the session and prepare for that transition to time beyond the session. I think some therapists do this very naturally, but this might be something you and your therapist could design together.

This is so painful to read about. I agree that it’s not specifically about the time, but more about his inability in this instance to allow himself to be a teensy bit flexible for your benefit. I’m not even saying that he should add extra minutes, but if he did add a couple of extra minutes it would perhaps show that he cared while still maintaining his boundaries. (My T is pretty strong on boundaries and the frame, etc but did this once and it felt all the more powerful). There are probably many other ways he could show that he hears you too. But getting angry is making it about him and that’s the disappointing part. You should be able to express yourself pretty much any way you want without worrying about him. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you can still work this out. It’s so hard when he has so many other redeeming qualities.

I think therapy is the wrong place to look for a relationship with someone who genuinely cares. Seems like that is what you are repeatedly coming up against with this guy.

They are not invested in your life. They all phone it in. They have dozens of clients. Switch on, switch off.

Would he push someone in his real life he cared about out the door in a bad state? Unlikely.

This and other abuses are rationalized by repeating the mantra "boundaries".

But actions speak louder than words.

Therapy is about therapists. Clients are fodder. If your needs are in conflict, you lose.