Unjustified Anger At T

Bud, thanks for showing me esmes extended reply.

Why does breaking the rules automatically make the breaker a good guy? It used to mean you were a bad guy. Now, NOT breaking the rules is making this t a BAD guy.

But it's not even about breaking the rules--it's questioning them and saying how they're painful. A good T should be able to handle a client questioning them. To be able to say, "Yes, I understand why this is so difficult for you, and I'm sorry about that."


I know my T has his flaws, but he'll accept criticism and listen to reasons I'm unhappy with him. He doesn't say that it hurts him. He's made changes and adapted as a result of my feedback. He doesn't yell at me (well, maybe with the one thing, "You affect me, LT!") He's willing to apologize and has done so many times. He can handle my talking about frustrations with him and with the therapeutic relationship in general without lashing out at me. He holds the boundaries without acting particularly authoritarian about them. He doesn't cut me off midsentence when it's time to stop (though I'm also extremely aware of the time, to the point that he says I sort of control the session, but then he'll let me go a couple minutes over--no more than that though). He's not the best at containing things or wrapping them up though, so I'm sometimes pretty upset around stopping time. But he'd maybe reiterate that it's OK to email, confirm with me that we're OK, tell me he hopes I feel better that night, something to that effect. Like, something to show he cares. He wouldn't let me just sit in his office for another 20 minutes though (not sure what he'd do if I said I wouldn't leave...) Maybe another 3?

The rules around session timing and scheduling serve the therapist's need to maximize profits and to keep customers moving thru in orderly fashion.

I dont see how the client benefits from having an intense interaction with a hard stop, whether it's 45 minutes or 60 minutes. And if the therapist is unavailable after that, or minimally available, it's even more dodgy.

It's commerce over humanity.

Not saying sessions should be 3 hours long or completely variable, just saying the established model is horrible.

In therapy, there is no such thing as "unjustified" anger. You are allowed to be angry for any reason or no reason.

Having said that, there probably is a reason and it would useful to find out what it is.

I ruptured four times and stalled even more. I'm through in that I think I've gone as far as therapy can take me. My remaining problems are my own.

Why are you so triggered by my stuff? You're writing snarky comments, talking about me in the third person, and also just attributing thoughts and behaviors to me you made up . I'm not especially bothered by that, but I think it reveals more about the way you make judgments about others than anything about this topic.

My T sent me an unexpected email saying that we are at an impasse, that caused strong feeings on both sides, and that we were going to work through it. He said he was saddened by the conflicted way the session ended, and the he wanted to find a way through so we could continue our ordinarily productive work on other topics without this distress.

I will update on how this goes. It is a while until our next session. Much of my anger that sparked this thread dissipated in the severity of the consequences of bringing it up, and I have the desire to hide from therapy , snuggling with my puppy before work and trying to regroup in a way that doesn't involve him. Therapy is hard for me, the conflicting messages of I want us to find your voice/ don't express that; I want you to trust me with the details of your anger/ I am really angry back at you now. It is also productive for me, and I have improved greatly over the last four years.

I was thinking last night that this might have sounded snarky, and that truly was not my intention. I really wish i had theory to fall back on, as i was just flying by the seat of my pants.

I agree im triggered. Wanting the other person to change is the hardest thing to change about myself.

I am thankful beyond words for PC, and all of its voices. I really wouldn't have made through 4 years of therapy without all of you .

I’m really sorry, SE.

I agree with what others have mentioned here - that the therapy model can be extremely painful and cruel. For me, it was very triggering trudging through difficult feelings and emotions, only to be dismissed at the 50 minute mark. I badly wanted to feel loved and cared about by my therapist, but dismissing a suffering person when a clock hits a certain point is the opposite of that... in fact it is a hostile gesture, regardless that it is the norm or anticipated. Worse is that often the reason is that there is another person in the waiting room - a reminder that we are part of their revolving business and perhaps not as special as we hope.

I too discussed this with my therapist many times, often receiving a sigh or an eye roll and a patronizing explanation that ‘this is what therapy is’, or ‘I (the client) was making a big deal over nothing’... and so on. Needless to say, those type of minimaliations of my feelings were additional pain on top of pain from the therapy model, and again on top of pain from what I was trying to work through. Perhaps a more understanding therapist could have helped me through, or perhaps my needs were just too great against what my therapist (or any therapist) could ever offer.

Felician’s reply resonated strongly with me, and I agree completely. There should be space for speaking up and a little acting out, and it should be used therapeutically by the therapist. Anger or defensiveness in response by a therapist are completely inappropriate in my opinion.

I'm glad your T has acknowledged you're experiencing such a horrid impasse and I'm glad he has shown feelings about it. I really hope you can find a way forward together. I'm not surprised you are finding it so hard when having to face such clear contradictions. It's confusing and awful. I know my version of how you feel because I remember when trying to bring up my feelings about a specific issue with two past Ts at different times and their reactions/defensiveness created a far worse situation than the original issue did. Both my Ts did realise this eventually, so I hope your T is able to empathise with you over the abrupt ending to sessions. To do this he needs to be honest with himself about how his beliefs are contributing to how you feel. It doesn't mean you will have any more time with him, but he should take responsibility for ending sessions in a more sensitive and kind manner rather than being so cold. As someone said, it's incredibly hostile.

Just to add I don't believe the therapeutic structure is harmful in and of itself - no one can expect to be in therapy 24/7 after all. The boundaries are there for a healing purpose, but of course therapy is also limited and the therapist doesn't just see one client (usually, unless they are very new!). I personally have always felt deeply cared for by my Ts despite the boundaries. I appreciate that it can feel so different for each person and experience.

I ended up backing down, and complying with him. I'm not proud of that, but the relationship at risk felt too scary. Though he gave me very lofty praise for doing so, I feel mistrustful and lost today anyway. Usually, I am thrilled if he is proud me, but today it all feels emptied of real meaning. Although I am left holding some angry feelings, it is clear expressing them means an impasse to my T, and he will not bend, compromise, look for inventive solution ,or even listen with the understanding no change will occur. I'm exhausted on spiritual level, and I dont know who my T is as a T, where to go now, or if his need for me to trust him on blind faith is a capacity within me- that he knows what is best for me better than I do for myself. I feel like lost 40 scrabble games a row, and want to sleep for year .

So sorry, SE. Sounds positive, though I know extremely painful, that you are so aware of yourself and where you are coming from and what this is doing, or has done, to you. I wonder if there might not be something positive in that eventually? Or not, time will tell.

Doesn't sound to me like trusting anybody blindly, or them asking/needing me to do that is a good idea -- but maybe that's just me. Or, maybe having the conflict come to this point, where you are experiencing what you are experiencing and can process that, is a process that might eventually be helpful?

I'm so sorry You've had to resign yourself to the only solution available to you at this point, and it takes courage to do that, as well as be aware of it. I so wish your T could have been more empathic with you and made clear your feelings are heard and acceptable. It's totally understandable why his words are meaningless to you now - it must feel that you're simply bending to his demands without your feelings being considered. You are very brave for being so honest about not knowing where to go with all this and I hope by sitting with it all you will find your way forward. It's a massive strength simply acknowledging all this to yourself.

This period time with my T baffles me, more about myself and my basic stability as a person than about him even. I have kept it pulled together in work and in relationships all my life, and right now I feel like I am falling apart a degree I've never experienced, even to the point of sui thoughts despite how everything in my life looks bright and shiney on the surface. I dont know how it has happened that M is so central to my existence, and preoccupation with us not really working anymore, is making me frantic. He gave me lots of praise and positive feedback for basically giving in to his POV, and doing it gracefully( and honestly- I can understand his view) . But everything feels empty, like that feeling of a real life break up that impends despite maybe both people not wanting. My relationship with M feels over, and I wonder if I will survive, especially not even understanding it. To me , it seems he was entranced with the idea of working with the discovery part of our years together, piecing together what happened and why, of working on capital T trauma. 4 years later, it's longer than he has treated one patient ever, and it's work now and lost its luster as him doing special case and he seems tired of the responsibility and me. No matter what is going on, I'm forcing myself to go through work today smiling and nodding as if my heart doesn't feel broken by my T, who maybe hasn't even done anything that wrong. I wish there was away to turn off feelings like a light switch or tap water. I have so many responsibility to other living beings, I cannot afford to falter on thoughts like these .

I know you really value parts of your relationship with this T, but I wonder if it would be useful to you to talk about this experience with another T? Your feelings about this are valid and important and turning them off like a light switch doesn’t seem right. I can’t remember but I think you may have discussed seeing a second T or a consult T in the past. Would it be helpful to you now?

I feel so awful for you, and angry with your T that he has left you in this situation. He probably hasn't done it maliciously but the impact is the same. It sounds like he is so blinded by what he thinks is right and correct for you both that he can't empathise with your feelings. He SHOULD have been able to listen to your feelings about the boundaries/time and validate them. Making you feel heard what is what therapy is about. To simply praise you for 'giving in' is the same as saying 'well done for being a good girl' which any abusive parent could say in all honesty. I'm not surprised you feel empty and beyond awful, it is just heartbreaking.

If you are having sui thoughts, please please seek some help right now. You're not coping. I do also think it's Important to see another T and explain from the outset that your current T has behaved in ways that has re-traumatised you. If the T is reluctant to see you on that basis, seek another one. It is okay to feel the way you do and to need support. Maybe email a few Ts and briefly explain you need to talk about a t relationship but that going back to him isn't an option. I know from my experience many ts are keen for a client to return to the t with whom the impasse occurred (and understandably) but this is a whole different kettle of fish. You should be able to find someone who can see this and help you.

Please don't give up - this T isn't worth it. You WILL get through this, it will be hard, but you honestly will.

I have such a strong connection to my T, but right now no matter what I say he feels criticized . He'll say I'm sorry it is so challenging to have me as your T but we'll keep working through. It is like we're not even communicating in the same language or like he's so defensive everything I say sounds like I'm accusing him of not doing enough ever and always. It's some role reversal that's taken over , when I miss my T and need him. My loved ones and pets and friends are all right here, and clients and work to do, but I cant stop obsessing that my T is done with me on some cosmic level. I dont know how this happened .

Esme like the others have said, I think it would really be beneficial to discuss this with another T.

The keep working through it mentality comes at a price.Currently it's leaving you very unstable and risking your safety. Which would be too high in my books.

There are things that we don't understand, but it's not your fault. It's perfectly okay to pause things with him for now.

If it feels too much to stop seeing your t altogether, would it be an option to just consult another t about this situation? You could literally go and see see someone and explain how youre left feeling with your t and you don't know what to do. A good therapist would support you with what you decide to do. I understand you feel a deep connection to this therapist, the attachment can be so strong, but if you were to have your feelings completely validated by a empathic therapist you would feel so much better. It's a different situation but I struggled with a particular therapist for about a year. Looking back we weren't a good match although I was very attached to her. She did many things that made me feel very angry but I was always left feeling that it was my fault and everything I said just made the situation worse. Recently I talked a little bit about this to my current t and she is like a breath of fresh air! It actually made me want to cry because she was validating everything I said and she said the other t was clearly dealing with her own issues and projecting them onto me. I hope you don't feel that im being pushing you in any way as the decision is always yours and I hope you can find a way forward with this t. Just please remember you do have a choice to seek better support.

I think it doesn't help to submit to the T. Yes, on the surface things might seem calmer for a moment but as you wrote, it comes with side effects and that does not help at all. In your position I would take up this topic again and again and again. If despite of that, the T is completely unwilling or unable to see and understand what you need and make you feel heard then unfortunately your road with this T is blocked. I don't know for how long or for how hard you need to try in order to convince yourself in the latter but just submitting seems to be a solution that leads to nowhere.

I have had periods with my T where it seemed to me that he is totally unable to get me, he has felt being under constant attack by me and I've felt that he is just defending himself. But I also have the experience that we are able to get past that and navigate to a position where he starts hearing me and will understand that my accusations are not really accusation but rather attempts to tell him something important which I'm not able to tell in another way. Have you had such experiences with your T?