I could use a nudge from PC

I know I can’t keep relying on this group to get me to my weekly therapy sessions, but I’m having a tough time. My session is tomorrow and I’m stressed out about it. I want to go and I don’t want to go and the struggle between those two feelings is killing me. I see my therapist 2x/week but have only seen him 1x/week for the past month due to holidays, etc.

Part of the struggle for me this week is the anxiety around not knowing how I’ll feel after our session. So sometimes if I feel good or neutral I don’t want to rock the boat by showing up and leaving feeling worse or unsettled. The uncertainty sucks. Also, leaving with the feeling that I didn’t get anything from T sort of sucks because then I’m left with that empty feeling until our next session, not knowing if I’ll get anything from him then. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for scraps to fall from the table. That’s why I show up each week. But I don’t know what to do or say to increase my chances of feeling like I got something from T. Not being able to figure that out is frustrating and it almost feels easier and safer not to try.

I’m also having a hard time lately feeling like I’m the only one in the room. Like I’m a subject in a science experiment. I want to feel emotion (or anything) from T. I want to feel like he’s there with me. Otherwise it’s just lonely.

Again, I know it’s my job to get myself there tomorrow, but I’m feeling stuck, and if anyone wants to give me a nudge, I’d appreciate it.

Sometimes, "getting something out of therapy" was just having some time to myself with a person who was quite willing to just be there. We didn't always have big, profound sessions where I left feeling like something major happened. And that was okay. Sometimes I actually didn't want anything big to happen because, like you say, that can be destabilizing. In fact, there were sessions where we intentional made the decision to have a lighter session simply because I knew I was in a place where I just wanted a bit of time to settle with myself. That's what I needed, and my therapist was good with that. We chose easier topics, still productive, but on a lighter scale than like working on history/abuse issues or something. Maybe we just worked on some skills. Maybe we worked on plans for being proactive (and having a lighter session because I was listening to my need for stability WAS being proactive). Things like that.

How about going into therapy today and starting with your need to leave the session feeling pretty stable, but perhaps using the time to work on something more concrete that you can use day-to-day?

It's okay to take a break too. Sometimes that's self-care and perfectly reasonable. I found times when I honestly didn't feel the need to go. I was doing okay and didn't particularly want to go just because I was on the schedule.

For a long time I experienced this desperate feeling of not getting much from my T in my sessions. It only started to get better when I became more able to bring myself more fully into sessions. I'm not sure though that this process could have been sped up in any way. In retrospect I know though that my T was there for me all the time, waiting for me.

Since you have this dilemma about not going to session often, I guess you could indeed try not going and see how you feel about it? Why not? Perhaps if you do that once (or a few times), recalling the emotional consequence in future instances will help shift this kind of ambivalence. I personally do think actions speak louder than words, meaning here that experiencing the result of what many might describe as "acting out" could potentially help more than just the pure thinking and talking. I personally would never just no-show, but cancel. Test what you don't get out of therapy if you don't go, instead of pondering the benefits you are not sure about. I am sure the T would be there waiting next time anyway.

For many the whole need for therapy is abuse or neglect in there youth ,rocking the boat is part of the process ,not pretty or pleasant but a very neccesary part of treatment , JMHO if you don't feel worse after therapy you are wasting your time.

Drag out the emotional baggage ,feel it experience it ,let it wash over you ,is part of the process so you can wash it off ,sunlight is the best disinfectant known to man ,give it it's 15 minutes of fame .

Many struggle from baggage from either "stuffing" or unresolved unproccessed stuff,i am not saying re traumatize yourself by going at it like its your only job ,but if you make a commitment to yourself to say alternate ,at least 1 appointment you drag the crap out into the light ,expose it feel it (lean on your support people ,you dont have to be a hero ,matter of fact being heroic might have contributed to you needing therapy) but commit to one deep therapy session and one distraction visit ,its a challenge ,but more importantly its an investment in you(if your not good to yourself nobody else will be either).

There is a great book on anxiety called "feel the fear and do it anyway" ,if you give yourself a required intensive appointment every other visit and try and push yourself ,you will progress faster and feel better more often and sooner . Being cautious and guarded about therapy , and exposing "too much" will keep you in therapy for life .

When what you really want is to "knuckle down" and go all in .The harder you work the easier it gets ,until soon your making small talk at appointments.

I had a great "matched" therapist ,not every appointment had to be painfull ,or "productive" sometimes we would just chat about lighthouses or genealogy which both of us had alot of intrest in ( because of that intrest both the therapist and you are learning from each other and making connections ,that pay off ,because it helps you both to know how the other person "ticks",that will allow your therapist to better help you).

If you break therapy down to its most basic form ,it is a paid non judgemental friend, who won't think any less of you if you ball your eyes during your session ,or leave with more on your mind then what you came in with. Thats a normal healthy needed part of therapy.

You don't have to have a neck breaking pace ,however challenging your known boundaries is how you grow ,and what's growth ?, it's Healing and re intergrating all of you into a stronger healthier whole person .

I felt all those feelings for years in therapy. Like a bucket with holes. All the good would just slip through the holes, and some sessions felt I got more comfort than others.
It's taken ME yrs to feel theres more than just crumbs.
Not all sessions give me that warm glow. But in those moments we find ourselves more. T can't be everything at all times. Thsts not possible. Plus a, certain amount of dissatisfaction is healthy. We discover more about who we are in those moments.

Have you ever talked to your therapist about your ambivalence? It may be a really good discussion. I have the I want to/I don't want to often enough myself. And it's hard when one session is just amazing and then the next one is crap and it's hard to figure out why. If you are consistently feeling bad after therapy, maybe the pace is wrong. Too slow or too fast. I'd talk to the therapist about that too. If there is something that you can ask for that you aren't getting, I'd try that too. Talk to your T. Maybe you will be surprised what comes from it. HUGS Kit

Thanks. The catch is that I likely wouldn’t be in therapy if I could bring myself more fully into sessions. I guess that’s what I’m working towards.

I’ve no-showed once (a couple of months after we first met) and have canceled maybe twice over the past 2 years, but maybe it’s time to do it again. When I’ve canceled it has actually felt fine. I worry that by canceling I’m just avoiding the issue though. If I knew it would benefit me in the long run, I’d have no problem enduring the discomfort now.

This is all very helpful. Thanks.

Thanks. I think it’s feeling empty or alone that is harder that feeling dissatisfied or frustrated. I just hate being left with that and don’t know when it’s going to happen.

There is no time line for when feelings are resolved. Feeling alone was common for me for a long time, even the silences left me feeling alone. The walking out of session left me feeling alone. T said even if I'd spent all day with her and she'd had to say, go a loo, that would have left me feeling alone.
Time takes time.

Thanks for all of your responses. They really helped me think about and process how I feel about this right now. I just sent my T an email canceling for today. I just want to see how it feels, I guess. I know I talk about it all the time, but I rarely cancel. Part of me would like for him to say something like, “I know this is tough for you, but come in anyway and let’s talk.” But I know he won’t because T’s aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing. It’s funny but this does sort of feel like a re-enactment of sorts with me doing things on my own, no support. I have another appointment with him tomorrow and I haven’t decided what to do about that one yet.

You know yourself best. How do you feel about having canceled?

This is interesting. Why do you think therapists aren't supposed to do that kind of thing? Some therapists might not for whatever reason, or might not with a particular client, but it's not a hard and fast rule or anything.

I've never done it over email with my current therapist, but I've had multiple conversations with him in person about having trouble getting myself to come to sessions, considering canceling, etc., and his responses have almost always included some variation on saying he knows it's difficult for me at times but he hopes I'll keep making the decision to come in, and/or that he's glad I didn't cancel. And I had a therapist years ago who I emailed a few times with variations on "I'm thinking about canceling" or "I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get myself to come in for the next session," and she generally replied with something pretty similar to what you've imagined wanting.

I feel like I remember your posting in the past about your therapist having similar verbal responses in session--saying he's glad you came in, etc., though maybe I'm misremembering?

What you're describing is a conversation about the desire to cancel. In that case it's perfectly fine for a T to say "I hope you show up" or something along those lines. But in Lrad's case, she has cancelled. When a client makes a decision, I think the T should respect that and follow the client's stated desire, and not argue about it or try to get the client to change her mind.

I canceled on my T earlier this year, after a difficult session, then a few email exchanges where he just didn't seem to get what was going on with me. He replied with something like, "I think it's probably better to discuss what's bothering you sooner than later, but I respect your decision to cancel." And he said he had multiple openings that day if I opted to change my mind (I canceled a day or two in advance). So it was like he was nudging me a bit to come in, but not pressuring me. I think that was a good balance. Because if he'd just been like "OK, took you off the schedule," I likely would have felt rejected.

(I did end up rescheduling for the day after my missed session, but I consulted with another T in between, which I told him about. We resolved things.)

I think T's are trained to not "chase after" clients. That it's somewhat unethical for them to be like, "No, you need to come in so we can talk!" Partly due to respecting their clients' autonomy, but I think also due to the financial component.

Yes, he’s had positive verbal responses when I’ve expressed how difficult it is for me to come in. He’ll say that he’s glad I came or that he hopes I’ll come. Once I canceled via email but went to my session anyway and he was so positive about how glad he was that I showed up. One time recently I emailed saying I was thinking about taking a break from therapy for a month or two, and he responded by saying “Let’s talk about it next week.” Not an especially warm response, but since he doesn’t respond at all it felt like something. Also, I once asked him (via email) to tell me he wanted me to come in and talk and he responded by saying, “I absolutely want you to come in and talk” which was nice. I can’t ask him to do that every week though, and it seems that’s what it’s come down to. When I read the paragraph I just wrote he sounds pretty awesome doesn’t he? So why is this so hard for me??? It’s embarrassing and it doesn’t make sense. He’s kind and I can barely tolerate it.

Yes, exactly. There are a lot of ways a therapist can respond in a situation like this that aren't chasing after anyone or disrespecting autonomy, but aren't completely blank either. And I think Lrad123's therapist has made that similarly clear in many ways in the past.

I'm obviously not advocating for a therapist "arguing" with someone's decision to cancel. Just noting that there's often a lot more middle ground and room to maneuver, and that encouraging someone to come in isn't always inappropriate (no matter what stage things are at with considering canceling or already having canceled). Especially in a case like this where it's an ongoing conversation that touches on this issue over and over.

You're being way too hard on yourself about this. It's a hard, complicated thing, and you're working on it. Your therapist sounds like he's doing a good job of meeting you where you're at a lot of the time and being encouraging about it--which doesn't mean it's not still complicated and hard, but seems like a good sign to me that he's capable of helping you work through it.