a Year and a half of miss understanding

So I thought my T understood what I meant by Bulimia. That I physically make myself throw up. For the entire year and a half he has been thinking that I involuntarily throw up when upset.

Now I feel shame all over again. I thought I was past that because he knew and did not judge me and was helping me figure this out. What an embarrassing session. I just do not want to work on this with him now. I do not want to talk to him about this at all now.

Thinking back on all the times I emailed him when I was having a cycle of binging and purging and need him to help me stay in control. In his mind he was visioning and entire different scenario than what was happening.

I am so gross.

No, you are not gross. Be gentle with yourself.

I question a mental health professional that does not understand what bulimia is, though. That seems like basic knowledge.

Did you use the word bulimia? It would be very weird for a T not to understand what that is. Maybe he just tried to be gentle and take the pathology out of it, but did in a misguided and confusing way?

Yes I thought I was very clear about getting into cycles of binge and purging and sometimes no binging just purging what a normally eat. Not sure how much more clear I need to be. If he was not clear he should have asked follow up questions. I never said I just eat and automatically just throw up involuntarily.

No, you are not gross. I was anorexic and then, as I was starting to eat again, I tried to make myself throw up after binging but it didn't work.

I am so very sorry that he didn't understand the pain you were in during those times.

I'm so sorry your T didn't understand. I'm surprised though because it's not something that is that hard to grasp. You're not gross. You're a human being doing the best you can at any given moment. HUGS Kit

I had to get it off my chest to him so I emailed him how I felt and that I just did not want to talk about my bulimia anymore and that I would continue to suffer in silence and manage on my own as it is just to shameful for me to talk about anymore. Well it is. I have no desire to share anything about it anymore. Decades I have been living like this and just assume it will go away on its own when the other issues are resolved.

He did reply:

am sorry you felt embarrassed and ashamed. I apologize for tripping over myself, I might have gotten confused in the moment but I do not have a misunderstanding about the eating disorder you are trying to work out as a whole; just a misunderstanding in that moment. You are free and welcomed to not discuss this anymore and to suffer in silence.

I'm glad he apologized, but I don't like his last sentence. It feels kind of snarky somehow.

THANK YOU! I thought so also but I was thinking my emotions were getting the better of me and I was being petty or something. His reply did not make me feel good.

That does sound totally weird and I would be so freaked out by that reply. I would have expected any therapist to say something like : I understand how you might feel like not discussing this any further, but especially with the misunderstanding I feel like it would be helpful to examine this further and to repair the damage it might have done to you trusting me. However if you feel unable to discuss this at the moment, I will respect your choice and will wait until you bring this up again once you feel ready to do so. And instead of defending himself and reassuring you that he does understand what's going on - what about how it made you feel. I would have expected a bit of reassurance. I'm sorry that you felt ashamed and embarrassed. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. I am so happy you trusted me enough to bring this into discussion and you are so brave for doing this... Etc some other kind of reassurance although I know some therapists would leave this until the next session rather than discussing via.emaild. and maybe some more analytic therapists wouldn't even go into this sort of reassuring but would want to analyse and understand your reaction further.

But as a fellow bulimia sufferer I can say to you ,- trust me.. there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not gross. It's a horrible mental health illness and a very unfortunate and dysfunctional coping mechanism. But it's not your fault and it doesn't make you any less valuable or lovable than anyone else.

The last part of his reply seems off to me too, and I know I would be upset if I received it. It feels like it lacked empathy/understanding and he kinda just brushed off the whole reason WHY you don’t wanna talk about it.

Also wanted to say you’re not gross, but I totally understand having that feeling. I also have an ED and purging is definitely the part I’m most ashamed of.

I thought that last sentence was very weird, too - had to read it a few times because I thought I was reading it wrong. It sounds like this therapist could improve how he expresses himself.

I am sorry you are suffering from bulimia - I had that, too, in my teens and early 20s. I was anorexic first but it developed into bulimia, I think it's quite a common experience with eating disorders. I never had any treatment for it and it lasted about 10 years with varying severity... it is a horrible condition. What eventually resolved it for me was a very strong determination not to buy foods I tended to binge on and just generally not storing a lot of food at home. Also, forcing myself to eat healthy meals regularly and not starve - that definitely decreased the desire for binging. It was definitely very hard in the beginning, much like getting sober from my other addiction later in life. Now that I had the experience with getting sober, if I had to deal with bulimia again, I would definitely seek out some peer support groups - have you tried anything like that? Overeaters Anonymous or something like that? Or perhaps group therapy with people who also also struggle. Bulimia is a very secretive, shameful, isolating condition, much like substance addiction, it can be so good to be around people who truly understand. People one can reach out to anytime when the urges are strong, not like therapy where you go when it is your time, not necessarily when you feel bad or struggle.

Yeah if there was a misunderstanding ABOUT the misunderstanding, he needs to be more explicit and effin PROVE he DID know what youve been talking about for the past year. Either that or a pretty darn big - no, im not sure anything could make up for it, for me. Im kinda horrified - by HIM. I would hope im wrong.

Was he purposely being passive aggressive in that last line? He was “welcoming” you to remain silent and to suffer in silence. He should be encouraging the opposite. Maybe I’m just reading it wrong?

I am very weirded out by the ending of his email. From what I can conclude is that he was somehow wounded by my original email to him and responded not from an adult place.

I know you’re hurting right now, but he needs to be called out on this. That reply was NOT good enough. How can a mental health professional not understand an eating disorder for a year-and-a-half? You mentioned b/p cycles. That’s not the behavior of a non-eating disordered person. And honestly, I would flat out ask him, “are you actually giving me the green light to suffer in silence?”
Bottom line — you’re the patient - he’s the professional and should act like it.

I do want to email him but I want to make sure it is professional and compassionate.

When i had my snafu with my t, we worked it out over the phone and in person. I think it is important to exercise those thinking and feeling and speaking on your feet muscles.

When is your next session? Can you ask him for a phone call? I'm worried if you try to fix this over email, it's just going to make it worse.

I wouldn’t worry about being compassionate toward him - it’s not your responsibility to look out for his feelings. Professional - okay, but if it were me I wouldn’t spare him my dismay.