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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 09:20 AM
  #21
Sorry you are upset over the dx Hope. Whether he is right or wrong doesn't really matter. Obviously you have symptoms you need help with or you wouldn't need meds or be in therapy. Regardless of the dx your T is treating your symptoms.

I know I was in huge denial when my T said I had DID. I still deny it sometimes. But I finally started taking his advice regarding treatment and I am feeling better, am in more control, and am starting to feel better. He has also adjusted how he treats me based on the dx so it ended up being a win win.

You said you don't have insurance so the dx is only between you and yout T. You also may want to consider the fact that he may be right. Sometimes it is difficult and we don't like the label, but admitting we have the problem is the first step towards recovery. At least that was true for me.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 09:39 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by hopealwayz View Post
I think it’s also the fact that he acts like he can’t be wrong. I tell him often that he is close-minded.
I don't understand how it works in your country. It always, sounds, like clients are being held hostage because they need this person to get meds?

Doesn't a therapist operate independently of this in your country?

All sounds a bit toxic to moi.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 09:45 AM
  #23
My fear is if he’s right, I just don’t want to live with that diagnosis.

He’s smart. He’s younger than my last 2 Pdocs and they never mentioned this.

Maybe I’m scared to let him help because I don’t want to open up.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 09:57 AM
  #24
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Originally Posted by hopealwayz View Post
My fear is if he’s right, I just don’t want to live with that diagnosis.

He’s smart. He’s younger than my last 2 Pdocs and they never mentioned this.

Maybe I’m scared to let him help because I don’t want to open up.
His smart? Yet closed minded? Which is it. I'm confused.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 10:07 AM
  #25
First take a deep breath. Then remember you are the same person you were before the diagnosis and after. Now you say that your last two pdocs didn’t diagnosis this but they also didn’t help you much. Maybe just tell yourself to forget the name and just focus on the symptoms. Tell yourself you will try this for a month and then reevaluate how you feel. You could even come up with a fun name for the diagnosis like pickle or something so that it doesn’t bring you down as much. Sometimes words do matter so if you can spin it to your advantage does it hurt to try? I know not the same thing but for me I was reluctant to try ketamine because I wasn’t someone who needed it is what I kept telling myself. So I delayed but in the end I tried it and stuck with it and it is the best thing that I have done for myself.

Remember you are doing this all for yourself no one else. You are in the drivers seat and make treatment decision. Best of luck.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 10:11 AM
  #26
I think I will tell him to just focus on treating the symptoms and then I will probably forget the label.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 11:30 AM
  #27
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I think I will tell him to just focus on treating the symptoms and then I will probably forget the label.
If you are willing to share the diagnosis, you might find people here who also share that diagnosis and perhaps can help you with some insight on it, but I understand if you are hesitant to do so.

The thing with psychiatric diagnoses is that a) they are a process of looking at a set of symptom criteria and deciding if a patient's symptoms check of the required number of boxes; b) they can and often do change over time as doctors get more familiar with us and/or our symptoms change; what once looked like X will start showing more as Y after more exposure to a patient's symptoms; c) most of the time, the diagnoses aren't as important in themselves as being sure whatever symptoms we are having trouble with get treated appropriately; however, d) the diagnosis can be important to medication options as some diagnoses can respond rather poorly to certain medication; e) they aren't necessarily "permanent" diagnoses; it is possible that symptoms can improve to a point that the diagnosis no longer applies.

In other words, much psychiatric diagnosis is rather fluid due to the diagnosis being based on observation and criteria vs. something like many medical diagnoses where specific tests basically "prove" the diagnosis. (FYI: Not even all medical diagnoses are "proveable" by testing; many medical diagnoses are also a process of elimination, observation, and lists of criteria; people with these kinds of difficult medical diagnoses go through very similar issues of diagnosis changes, treatment changes, etc. This isn't an issue reserved only for psychiatric diagnosis.)
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 12:21 PM
  #28
I will share more details about it when I’m not as tired.

I don’t feel like I deserve his help.

My diagnosis has now made me hate myself.

This is all anonymous, right?

Okay, he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder which is my worst fear.

I don’t want to hurt everyone I care about. I don’t want it to turn me into a monster.

Last night, I looked up possible causes of it. One reason seemed to be due to childhood trauma.

I had a lot of trauma in my childhood because my parents wanted to run off and do their own thing.

Then when my mom married my violent stepdad who used to beat me senseless. A teacher at school noticed and called CPS. But when they arrived, my mom begged me to lie and say that he never touched me.

There was no one to protect me as a child.

When I was 10, they had twins (my brother and sister). And my job became to protect them. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt them. So I kept them safe even though I had no one to look after me.

But maybe my childhood ruined me.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 12:35 PM
  #29
Oh, Hope. Your history, your abuse and the effects of that on you as a child left an imprint on you. I suspect most of us here have diagnoses the ultimately are the result of our history. The diagnosis describes observations about your symptoms that are a result of that history of abuse. You are not a monster, and your diagnosis can't turn you into a monster.

Your story strongly resembles my husband's upbringing, and he also has displayed characteristics of bpd. But you know what? Rather than focus on the diagnosis, my husband and his therapist worked on how he can find some healing from that upbringing and how he can work towards healthier ways of response, healthier ways of self-care, healthier ways of communication, better insight into his tendency toward reactivity.

That's why your therapist sees it as important to stick with therapy and not rely on medication management to try to control symptoms. Medication will only go so far, but you are VERY capable of working towards some healing and real improvement in your life.

Be gentle with yourself. I'm willing to bet there are individuals here on PC who can suggest excellent resources to learn a bit more about bpd so that you can see it more objectively rather than critically. You are a sweet person, Hope. Hang in there and keep looking forward.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 12:51 PM
  #30
Hope,

I'm writing this as somebody who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 1.5 years ago.

I know there's a lot of stigma around this disorder. People say that those who have it are mean and manipulative and all sorts of things.
From my own experience, these things are not true. It can seem that way to some people who don't really understand you or don't care enough to try. And some people can act out a lot and it makes it seem even more so.
But it doesn't mean you can't have fulfilling, long-lasting relationships. Or that you're a bad friend/person to be around. I have more than one friend who also has BPD and I love all of them very much. I also have friends who I've been able to keep for years and they still seem to enjoy being around me.

In the end, diagnosis are a label that we have developed to tell what treatments might help somebody. People with BPD might benefit from DBT. People with schizophrenia probably less so. It's important for therapists to know what they are treating, just like it is important for a doctor to know whether they are treating a cold or lung cancer.

But it doesn't make you a bad human being or ruins you, and with you I think that already shows in the fact that 1) you are going to therapy and are trying to get better and 2) you are worried about hurting people you care about.

And from what I've experienced so far, even if your diagnosis is correct, there are many ways to treat it and to help you, and knowing what your actual issue is empowers you to achieve an overall better life.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 05:28 PM
  #31
I feel sui and deeply upset and my doctor and the office manager don’t even care enough to check on me.

I’m hurting SO bad
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 05:50 PM
  #32
It’s over with him.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 06:04 PM
  #33
Hope. If you need a call back, leave a message and ask for a call back. You started this thread saying they had been so concerned that they had the crisis unit come check on you, so you know better. They have shown better than what you are thinking and feeling right now. This is where you need to slow yourself down and sit with this a bit.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 06:38 PM
  #34
Agree with AW.

Hope, ask for what you need.

If you need reassurance and some care, please ask for a call back.

I’m sorry these last few days have been upsetting.

Maybe you can do something nice for yourself - bubble bath, sun bath, something you enjoy.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 06:44 PM
  #35
I don’t know what happened to me tonight. He is going to call me after his last patient.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 07:16 PM
  #36
Hope -- I have BPD as well. It does not make you a monster. I was taught that it means that we experienced trauma in our childhood which delayed our emotional development. Do you ever feel like a child still living in an adult body? That's one way it feels. And because of the trauma caused by people, we no longer trust others. That's where the push/pull comes from which is what you're doing now. We also struggle with all or nothing feelings. We tend to think of people as all bad or all good, but not both at the same time. You've experienced this with all the males in a helping/caring role: pharmacist, Ts, Pdocs, etc.

I do believe you suffer from BPD. From all that you've told us, you meet the symptoms. Can you relate to the symptoms? Go through them and ask yourself if you experience any. You might not have all the symptoms. Or sometimes you might experience symptoms differently. Like for me, I don't have anger issues in the sense I take my anger out on others. I, on the other hand, take my anger out on myself.

The prognosis is good if you do the work. Emotionally you will grow and the symptoms will lessen. But it takes time and work.

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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 07:53 PM
  #37
Hope, who you were the same person the day before he gave you the diagnosis as the person you are the day after.

BPD is a difficult diagnosis that carries such a stigma. Through talking with psychiatists at work and clients, I have such empathy for those in the position. Usually, it is people who suffered from pretty extreme trauma as a child and didnt have their needs met. Sadly they had to find ways to get their needs met and often that was through acting out. In my mind that doesn't make them a bad or terrible person but rather somebody who fought for survival. I know some professionals in the field treat BPD sufferers differently and like bad clients and avoid them. IME though there are also some great providers. It sounds like your T cares and wants to work through this with you. Please be patient with yourself you are worth it. Please don't push him away let him help you.

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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 09:46 AM
  #38
Thanks everyone for all of the support. It is really helping me.

I’ve always been a good person with a good heart.

Maybe finding out for sure will empower me to work hard to overcome the symptoms. I have read that some people eventually no longer have enough symptoms to meet the diagnosis any longer. That
offers me hope.

One of the symptoms my T mentioned was the all or nothing thinking and he says that I have a fear of abandonment.

Yesterday, I purchased a bunch of books on the disorder so I can start working on it. I don’t want it to win and mess up my life.

I have a job interview tomorrow but I may not go because I can’t even stop crying.

T did say that because I’m having a really hard time with this, they are going to call me if they have any cancellations..
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 09:48 AM
  #39
My other problem is that I feel like isolating from people so that they aren’t effected by this.
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 10:40 AM
  #40
I don't think you need to worry about how you affect the therapist and his staff. It is their job to handle it. It also sounds like you have come quite far, more aware of the patterns and problems. I think it is a great idea to do your own reading/research, that way you can have all the time to consider what applies to you and what might not be relevant to your situation, instead of just relying on your treatment providers' feedback.

I get how hard it can be to accept a condition you are afraid of and really don't want to have, especially one that is associated with so much stigma and judgment. My version wasn't BPD or other personality disorders, but addiction. I was never diagnosed formally because I did not even seek any help and just tried to deny and fight it for many years back in my early 30's. I don't even fully get how that could happen, how my mind could be so brainwashed by my own denial as the signs and symptoms were all there, and pretty severe on top. In retrospect, I wish I could have overcome the denial much earlier and started working on recovery seriously - I know as fact it would have been much easier to resolve it had I not allowed it to progress so far, with so much damage, some irreversible. I know addiction is different from BPD, just bringing it up as another example for a very difficult condition to have and heal from. In part, I fought it so hard in spite of very clear symptoms because otherwise I am one of the most independent, autonomous persons I have met... how could that happen to me, of all people? But the fact is, these things are beyond out wishes, conscious control and we do not choose to have them. But we can choose to be aware and handle them better.

For me now, diagnoses are usually quite helpful because then I know what to work on and can try out many things recommended for the condition, or just work on it in my own ways... but I can focus on a real issue, not distractions and denial my mind wants to make up to mask problems. Some of it takes really dramatic life changes that have to be permanent, and it can also be hard to accept these limitations and the facts it will likely always require some work to manage. But so worth it in the long run!
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