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weaverbeaver
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 01:53 PM
  #1
After years of being with the same therapist I am starting to realise that my t has been extremely abusive.
She calls me things and uses parts of my story to abuse me and it makes me feel ashamed.
Today she said my borderline traits are disturbing. I said, “oh, now I am borderline?” She said, “I didn’t say that” and then I start to doubt what I heard. I feel like I am starting to go crazy and that she just says, I am projecting and interpreting everything wrong!
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 01:59 PM
  #2
I had a T like that. In some ways she did more damage than what I was there to fix. Current T is really disturbed by how painful my experience was with her. My T would be mortified if I ever felt shame because of something he said and he would be quick to try and do repairitive work.

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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 02:00 PM
  #3
Can you find a new T? At least interview a couple and see how they are, maybe you will click with one of them. It's not worth being in a bad situation IMHO. HUGS Kit

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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 02:41 PM
  #4
That you can name it seems positive.

What's your next move?
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 02:57 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Omers View Post
I had a T like that. In some ways she did more damage than what I was there to fix. Current T is really disturbed by how painful my experience was with her. My T would be mortified if I ever felt shame because of something he said and he would be quick to try and do repairitive work.


Your new t sounds very attuned to you
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 02:58 PM
  #6
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Can you find a new T? At least interview a couple and see how they are, maybe you will click with one of them. It's not worth being in a bad situation IMHO. HUGS Kit


I am terrified of sharing things with a new t and then the t using them against me! I just don’t know if I can trust another t.
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 02:59 PM
  #7
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That you can name it seems positive.


What's your next move?


Naming it is the first step? I have been in denial for so long. I don’t think I can start again so I just get over this experience and move on!
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 03:15 PM
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Naming it is the first step? I have been in denial for so long. I don’t think I can start again so I just get over this experience and move on!
Anyone can start again. If they wish. It's never from the same place they beganat in the first place.

It's not so much moving on as much as moving up
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 03:29 PM
  #9
Do you think you will have any trouble getting over this experience? If so, can you think of things that might help?

Do you plan to go back and confront or discuss this with her? Would that help at all, do you think? Or else just cancel your all your appointments and never go back?
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 03:54 PM
  #10
Hugs, do not go back to her. It possible to start over. Since i have been seeing a new therapist, im relizing how my ex-t was doing things wrong with me. I didn't reconize it til a few weeks ago after my third session with this new t i have now. There are good t's out there and i did feel very stuck with my pyschologist for two years, and now i see how much damage it has done and feel like it was all my fault. No therapist should do what she is doing. I would get out and look for a better t. Hugs
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 04:01 PM
  #11
Agreed! Please do not go back!

No therapy is better than damaging therapy.

Second and third opinions from other consults is always a good idea. Whether you go cold turkey with no therapy, use another therapist to help transition to no therapy, or start over is totally about your comfort level.
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 04:17 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by weaverbeaver View Post
After years of being with the same therapist I am starting to realise that my t has been extremely abusive.
She calls me things and uses parts of my story to abuse me and it makes me feel ashamed.
Today she said my borderline traits are disturbing. I said, “oh, now I am borderline?” She said, “I didn’t say that” and then I start to doubt what I heard. I feel like I am starting to go crazy and that she just says, I am projecting and interpreting everything wrong!
That sounds like what is often described as gaslighting. I had a T like that and I never regretted dumping him. It wasn't as easy as never looking back, and I often second-guessed my perceptions and feelings but, ultimately, it was the best decision.

I think there is a huge difference between being constructively critical and shaming someone (often for the mere sake of coming off superior). And I think people who do the shaming often are completely or largely unaware of what they are doing and why, they avoid dealing with their own motives and shift blame to find "reasons" in the other. It is abusive and not realizing it is no excuse, especially from a therapist!
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 04:58 PM
  #13
If you decide to interview some therapists, you could mention what happened with the abusive one, and see what their reaction is and also that because of your experience it will be difficult to trust another t.
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 05:01 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by Xynesthesia2 View Post
That sounds like what is often described as gaslighting. I had a T like that and I never regretted dumping him. It wasn't as easy as never looking back, and I often second-guessed my perceptions and feelings but, ultimately, it was the best decision.


I think there is a huge difference between being constructively critical and shaming someone (often for the mere sake of coming off superior). And I think people who do the shaming often are completely or largely unaware of what they are doing and why, they avoid dealing with their own motives and shift blame to find "reasons" in the other. It is abusive and not realizing it is no excuse, especially from a therapist!


You described a lot of what my t does and it is gaslighting.
My t is more concerned about how she feels and the effect I have in her, she said I push her away but I go quiet because I feel ashamed because she told me I try to appease her. So I lowered my head and said nothing and then she said I was punishing her
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 05:02 PM
  #15
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Agreed! Please do not go back!


No therapy is better than damaging therapy.


Second and third opinions from other consults is always a good idea. Whether you go cold turkey with no therapy, use another therapist to help transition to no therapy, or start over is totally about your comfort level.


Thank you, you are right, no therapy is better than damaging therapy.
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 05:04 PM
  #16
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Originally Posted by nicoleflynn View Post
If you decide to interview some therapists, you could mention what happened with the abusive one, and see what their reaction is and also that because of your experience it will be difficult to trust another t.


I honestly don’t think I can because she used things I told her and turned it round to look what I did and am doing to others. I honestly felt like a piece of garbage and came out of there crying today!
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 05:17 PM
  #17
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Originally Posted by Cheryl27 View Post
Hugs, do not go back to her. It possible to start over. Since i have been seeing a new therapist, im relizing how my ex-t was doing things wrong with me. I didn't reconize it til a few weeks ago after my third session with this new t i have now. There are good t's out there and i did feel very stuck with my pyschologist for two years, and now i see how much damage it has done and feel like it was all my fault. No therapist should do what she is doing. I would get out and look for a better t. Hugs


Do better therapists exist or are they all abusive because it feels like they are all going to be the same. I am glad you got out of your stuckness with your t and sorry you got hurt too
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 05:20 PM
  #18
Personally, I have never found individual therapy to be that effective, but I know there are T's out there who are nice and not abusive.
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 08:29 PM
  #19
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Originally Posted by weaverbeaver View Post
You described a lot of what my t does and it is gaslighting.
My t is more concerned about how she feels and the effect I have in her, she said I push her away but I go quiet because I feel ashamed because she told me I try to appease her. So I lowered my head and said nothing and then she said I was punishing her
ummm...yeah, this isn't cool and with a response like that, she is clearly making it all about her and her needs. it also feels manipulative. definilty get out of this unhelpful relationship ASAP
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 08:50 PM
  #20
If you don't go to another T, will you be OK? Yes, of course you will be OK in the long term but right now, in the short term?

I've found support groups much more helpful in the last few years than therapists. We are here, of course, but in-person support groups have helped me a lot, too, although most people didn't understand harmful therapy so I didn't talk about it much there.
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