The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy:

DNMS Slide Show – DNMS Institute, LLC

Anyones therapist done this with them or ask them?

He did ask me a while ago to purchase the client webinar, which I did, and now he is asking for a commitment from me to practice it everyday.

My T has has changed his tune and now has become very strict in session. Guards up, no softness, all business. It feels like a punishment.

Honest opinion - I was really put off and a bit offended by whatever this is.

The cartoons were patronizing and my initial impression is that the program infantilizes adult clients. In the description there was a line about how therapists are ‘burdened’ by the emotional needs of the type of clients this is targeting and sells this series as a solution?!? What?! If nothing else, it would certainly make great ‘therapy dystopia’ material for a Black Mirrors episode.

If my therapist had tried to force this on me, I’d be extremely upset. Moxie - I don’t think you are too far off viewing this as a punishment though to be fair to your therapist I’m not sure that’s truly the case. However you are feeling about this, I would communicate it to your therapist and refuse to use any tool that you don’t find helpful.

Sorry but this bothers me a lot. Intellectually I don’t think they developed this with a strong understanding of current research or best practice standards. Evidence based research on positive outcomes for trauma seem to have been blatantly ignored. Pretty sure it would make my T cringe. Emotionally I find it repulsive and anger inducing. I see great potential here to do unintentional harm. It honestly makes me think of all the disfunctional parts of the foster care/child welfare system put into a therapeutic process. Which, given the outcomes in the child “welfare” system is, again, rather frightening.

This seems a lot like the internal family systems model of therapy. My T uses an adapted version of it with me and my alters, and it works really well for us,. But then I am an avoidant client so am very happy to find ways to take care of my selves by my self, without much need for the T except as a guide. I don't really want much from the T in the way of comfort support or connection.
In therapy we use this kind of way of viewing the parts (in my case fully formed alters) to solve problems within the system and it works really well. We are able to quickly accept different alters and respond to their true needs and intents quickly and compassionately. The skills we take with us out of the therapy room and can use them between sessions to manage internal conflicts and regulate emotions too.

There are elements of it that seem to resonate with my therapy.

For me, the slide show itself is annoying and was hard to watch because of the voice over. The content wasn't too much different than other IFS and parts work stuff I have read/seen.

I'm not sure how what this slide show talks about and your T becoming strict are related. It almost feels like that would be the opposite of what this is trying to explain, especially around the concept of helping the child part feel seen/heard. I do notice that this method seems strongly focused on being able to engage in and with those adult parts. This would be a problem for me because I don't have good, strong images of healthy and balanced adult parts. This is what I have considered the reparenting element of my therapy. I am learning from my T the nurturing and compassionate elements that my current adult parts are missing.

Has your T explained his distancing and how it relates to this theory? Has he been trained in this theory or is it just a new fad that he's grabbed onto? If he has gone through their training, how long ago and is he getting direct supervision?

Since no one method works completely in silo to other methods and works for all clients, I'd urge you to talk to him about why he now thinks this method would work best for you and so on.

I'm also questioning the strict and distancing behavior you describe, in light of recent emails and misunderstandings around ED. I wonder if he is being reactionary in response to your emails or if there's some residual feelings you have about the interactions that is resulting in you seeing him as being more strict or distant than in the past. Neither or both could be happening.

I agree with Amyjay. For those of us with DID it helps one to learn about the major peraonality types of your alters, th w ir intended purpose and how best to accept and work with them. That is what the pictures represent. If I remember right I think Moxie has said in the past something about DID.

My T has not used thia with me but I totally understand it and get it. My T is also always pushing progress and getting down to business. Although he is usually warm and caring he is always professional. No touching, no chit chatting, everything we talk about outside of EMDR is always with the purpose of my progress. I am glad for this in the most part because I havexa LOT of progress to make and I don't want to be in T forever. I am also an avoidant. My parents ruined me to the point that ai have no desire to attach to anyone.

I have to admit from my history I do desperately seek a caretaker to fulfill that black empty whole within my soul to try and repair the damage done. No amount of my adult self taking are of all the other younger parts is going to repair that. I do not want to take care of myself anymore. That is all I have ever done. I tried to fullful that need with lots of men and giving my body away to get it. I think that is what I am doing with therapy but I do not understand since my mother was the psychological torturer so would I not be looking for a mommy surrogate? I had a step father that was an abuser so I do not understand seeking solace and a caretaker from a male therapist. No I do not want to be like this anymore but I do not know how to ease this searing pain and need that is in me. Leaving therapy and going cold turkey is not an options as I become severely depressed and that dark could of hating being alive just seeps back in.

I just do not know how to heal anymore and my therapist is trying the modalities he thinks is going to bring me to a higher level of healing. Who knows what is right or wrong. I try though I really try in therapy. I have even had days of feeling great but that is with knowing he is there for me.

This has turned into a rant from a part that is not my best adult self.

As others have said for them, I don't think the DNMS model would work for me. Despite the theory, I don't feel like I have or am in touch with the Resources enough, and just meditating about it or something wouldn't help me much because, essentially, I have tried that. Maybe I need some people in the real world who model those Resources, in order for me to develop what exists in potential? I don't know. DNMS just seems too lonely and detached to work for me.

One thing I have tried is to look for people who model what might be called Resources -- including what your T might refer to as a strong Adult Self. That has helped a little bit. And I'm able to look on some of those people fondly, even though I wouldn't say I was attached to them. Some are essentially strangers.

I tried real hard when we went through all the possible resources. It was not gelling with me. He has me using the “Dog care taker” me as a resource. COME ON. Bull crap I cry. Seriously. I am supposed to visualize the part of me that nurtures the dog and use that to nurture the young 7 year old me. Pfft.

Hugs Moxi,
I too seek that caretaking that I never got. Dad was away a lot and mom may as well have been, then the divorce and the abusive step parents... it stinks.
I tried working with female T’s and it was always a disaster as they just were not able to connect with me. I run hot/cold with men. The vast majority of the time I am fearful with them. Then there are the few times that I do go the other way, often initiating it so I feel like I have control even though I obviously don’t.
My T works with me to identify external supports like my priest (even though I have not been in his church for almost 20 years as I now live in another state), internal supports that I identify like my protective part and T brings spirituality into it because he knows I am OK with that. T uses those three to make the supportive circle for the healing to happen inside of. I am pretty sure T would object to the circle being all me as that would be no different than what I experienced as an infant only now I am an adult trying to do what I have never seen/experienced. I got flustered that T kept sitting outside of my circle he let me know it was out of respect because he had not been invited in... so now he sits as a part of the circle but never fully inside of it as that is my space, he can only support. So, that part is similar. I have no reference for nurture so I would flat out fail at identifying nurture to create or have a nurturing part. T is my reference for nurture and he is wonderful about it. He works very hard to be attuned to where I am and what I need (because I am not always able to), he provides appropriate soothing/nurturing both verbally and with touch, he makes himself available to me in many ways in session and I can always call and he puts up with my emails. He tries very hard to be the “good enough dad” for me.

I did have another T who I think may have been doing something more similar to what was in the video you linked too. I didn’t have the skill sets I needed and she labeled it resistance and defiance. So, she just let me sit there session after session in excruciating emotional pain, rejecting me and telling me that when I was ready to cooperate adult me would soothe the part throwing a fit. It ended up being very damaging to me and it a mess current T and I are having to untangle.

Rant away, sometimes the best realizations come from when we let those parts that want to rant, just speak their truths.

I am sorry you are struggling right now. It is hard, and it sucks. It's ok and human to want someone to take care of you and love you.


From what I understand in terms of object relationship... the mommy, isn't a specific person or gender. It is a set of feelings/interactions with a person that provides for specific needs we most associate with receiving from primary caregiver. We've labelled that person mommy because of society norms and because it is the mother that initially (evolutionary) was the one providing food/substances for newborns. If your T is providing for those types of needs, it's easy to see your psyche feeling like or wanting him to be that mommy object.

Then again, there's the whole sexualized daddy issue argument as well. And given your statement of giving yourself to men and what not - who knows, maybe that's in play a little too. It's all a confusing mess sometimes; until it isn't.

Personally, and most the time, I like parts work and I like to be able to lean on my T as my mommy object when those younger parts need reassurances. It's often surprising to me when they do or what they need reassured about.
I'm not sure if it will work for you or not; or what you need in that work for it to work for you.

Keep talking, we are here, we hear you, and we are listening.

I need this and am using T for it. I don't have language (actual words) to respond to my younger selves that isn't lined with elements of criticisms. I need that modeling, to teach me how to phrase things in such a way that there isn't the room for doubt to seep in (or much less room for doubt).

Oh and yeah, just meditating as described in the slide show gets me no where. It was much better for me to let myself do activities where my mind was able to wander and see what images came to surface than to try to force it to happen. Even after that, getting them to interact has been a much different beast for me than what that slide show indicates or suggests it should be.

I also find the video annoying and patronizing but maybe it's because I am never a fan of viewing one's psyche as "parts" and encouraging to work with it in that way (except in serious dissociative conditions). It can be good to look at it for the sake of understanding but IMO if it is not emphasized that it's just a model to describe and explore, it can do damage because it subtly (or not so subtly) encourage to avoid responsibility for one's choices and actions. I also don't think there is anything in modern neuroscience that proves that parts of the brain (or the psyche) ever get stuck in childhood or at an earlier stage. It is more that it develops in unusual ways in response to traumatic or whatever life experiences, which prevents what we would call normal functioning. If it was truly stuck, I think it might actually be much easier to change and heal, by inducing development in some ways in a state that is just as malleable and receptive to influences as a child's. Just meet those childhood needs and bumm, magic happens. But does it happen that way? The thing though is that, for an adult, it goes through reorganizing or reversing what went wrong and got so ingrained already, why it is such a tedious process.

As for the T's suddenly becoming detached... I don't know... The first thing I thought of was your other recent threads... and the impression I got, that this T communicates in some weird ways that can be rather confusing/unclear and maybe even a bit random? Might be completely wrong, just a superficial impression from very limited information.

Step 1 – Find a Resource
A. Caregiver-Self Resource 
Look for a part of self that enjoys nurturing or protecting someone in need of care, like a child, a pet, plants, a student, or
someone elderly, handicapped, or sick. It could be a current relationship, or one from the past. It could involve caregiving
in a long-term relationship (e.g. a grandchild), or in just a single remarkable event (e.g. helping a neighborhood child in
crisis). It could be in a personal relationship you had or have (e.g. with your pets) or your professional role (e.g. as a nurse,
teacher, veterinarian). The caregiving relationship should be free of unresolved trauma. It should only reflect caregiving
moments when the most adult self is fully present, with no wounded parts active.
Did you find one?
- If NO, go to B below.
- If YES, ask yourself…
Would THIS LOVED ONE say I’m a competent caregiver (in that specific event)? AND If I’d been raised by
someone who was as good to me, as I am/were to THIS LOVED ONE (in that specific event), would that have
been a good thing?
- If NO, look for a better Caregiver-Self Resource, or go to B below.
- If YES, go to Step 2 – Name the Resource, page 5.

I chose the part of me that takes care of my dog

Real-Other Resource from a positive direct experience 
Think about someone you personally know or have known, who’s been supportive of you, like an aunt, uncle, grandparent,
friendly neighbor, or caring teacher. It could be someone you had a long-term relationship with (e.g. your grandma), or
just a single remarkable event (e.g. your uncle intervening in a crisis). It could be a personal relationship (e.g. with your
aunt) or a professional relationship (with your mentor). The relationship should be free of unresolved trauma.
Did you find one?
- If NO, go to D below.
- If YES, ask yourself…
If I’d been raised by someone who could have been as good to me as THIS SUPPORTIVE PERSON is/was to me,
would that have been a good thing?
- If NO, look for a better Real-Other Resource, or go to D below.
- If YES, go to Step 2 – Name the Resource, page 5.

I chose my Therapist

Real-Other Resource from personal observation 
Think about someone you personally observed to be a good caregiver of someone else, but without direct interaction or
direct caregiving - like your brother’s baseball coach, your 5th grade best friend’s mother, or your sister’s ballet teacher.
Did you find one?
- If NO, go to E below.
- If YES, ask yourself…
If I’d been raised by someone who was as good to me as THIS SUPPORTIVE PERSON is/was to SOMEONE ELSE ,
would that have been a good thing?
- If NO, look for a better Real-Other Resource, or go to E below.
- If YES, go to Step 2 – Name the Resource, page 5.

I chose my pastor Justin

Real-Other Resource - a public figure 
Think about an inspirational public figure or celebrity, not personally known to you, but someone you’ve perceived as a
source of encouragement or support - like Nelson Mandela, Mr. Rogers, Pema Chödrön, Oprah Winfrey, Martin Luther
King, Jr., or Mother Theresa.
Did you find one?
- If NO, go to F below.
- If YES, ask yourself…
If I’d been raised by someone who was as good to me as THIS INSPIRATIONAL PERSON is/was to WORLD/OTHERS ,
would that have been a good thing?
- If NO, look for a better Real-Other Resource, or go to F below.
- If YES, go to Step 2 – Name the Resource, page 5.

I chose Michelle Obama

Fictional-Other Resource 
Think about an inspirational fictional character that has been (or could be) perceived as nurturing and supportive – like
June Cleaver, Atticus Finch, Samantha Stephens, Mrs. Doubtfire, Superman, Mary Poppins, Santa Claus, or Molly Weasley.
Did you find one?
- If NO, go to G below.
- If YES, ask yourself…
If I’d been raised by someone who was as good to me as THIS PERSON was to OTHER , would that have
been a good thing?
- If NO, look for a better Fictional-Other Resource, or go to G below.
- If YES, go to Step 2 – Name the Resource, page 5.

I chose Ripley from the movie Aliens

Step 2 – Name the Resource
Give the Resource a simple, descriptive name. Naming it will help you reconnect with it later.
Does mobilizing this Resource feel good?
- If NO, go to Complications with a Single Mobilized Resource, page 6.
- If YES, do you need another Resource for your team? (Aim for at least 2 or 3.)
- If NO, go to Step 3 below.
- If YES, go back to the last Resource category you were on, and look for another.
Step 3 – Bring the Resource Team Together
Notice what happens when you bring all the Resources together to form a team. Does it feel good?
- If YES, go to Anchors for Soothing section below.
- If NO, go to Complications Bringing the Resource Team Together, page 6.

Anchors for Soothing
Next, establish a paired association between an anchor and your Resource Team. An anchor could be a scent, music, jewelry, an
object, a drawing, item of clothing, body sensation, or anything else you choose. Take as long as you need to pair one or more
of these anchors to your Resource Team so well, that connecting with the anchor later will bring the team front and center quickly
and effortlessly – no matter what mood you’re in. The scented anchor may be best, as it may bypass psychological defenses
better than the other anchors.
To pair them, enjoy the good feeling of the Resource Team while you’re either…
- Smelling something (e.g. cologne, lip balm, a spice, an essential oil, etc.) MAY BE THE BEST ANCHOR!
- Listening to a special piece of music (ideally, easily accessed via smartphone)
- Looking at a piece of jewelry (e.g. a ring, watch, or bracelet)
- Holding a pocket-size object (e.g. a smooth stone or charm)
- Looking at a favorite picture (ideally, easily accessed smartphone)
- Looking at a drawing you’ve made of the Resource Team (ideally, easily accessed via smartphone)
- Looking at and touching an item of clothing (e.g. a comforting shirt or sweater)
- Pressing on a knuckle
- Squeezing gently on an earlobe
Test it later, when you’re not in the enjoying this good feeling. Use your anchor to see if your Resource Team comes front and
center again – bringing this good feeling back. If it doesn’t, try again later to connect the anchor to your Team. Start by
reconnecting with your Resources. When you have the good feeling again, strengthen the paired association with your anchor
and the Team. Gently tapping on your shoulders or knees, in an alternating fashion, may help to strengthen the pairing.