Needing input

Last session with T (two weeks ago) I was very moody and he was a bit flustered we also knew he would be out of town so it would be two weeks before I saw him again instead of one. We ended up looking at pictures on T’s phone. It was relaxed and just bonding type time and I had mentioned earlier that the best thing a former T did for me was to show me T’s were human. So, therapeutically it made sense too as it let me see he is just a normal person. T is a pretty typical guy so mostly it was cars but there were a few other pictures in there as well. One was of his granddaughter standing on his lap. That was what stuck with me after session, T’s granddaughter standing on his lap.
Previously T and I had talked about how, as an infant, I was left in my crib and fed and changed on a schedule. Family members were not to touch me or remove me from the crib because supposedly I would just start screaming. T was visibly upset about this and talked about the infants need to bond and interact with its caregivers. About the time T started talking about an infants need for skin to skin contact I started getting too uncomfortable and started seeing T as dangerous. T saw the shift and asked if we needed to stop and I agreed. As part of helping me settle down and ground T reached out and put his hand over mine which felt extremely supportive, nurturing and positive.
So, last session seeing T with his granddaughter on his lap and both of them happy struck me. My mind started going back and forth between that image and the image of me alone in the crib. All week I was bouncing back and forth between the pictures. I also talked to my maternal aunt and got more info on my infancy. Next session I wanted to ask to sit on the floor in the corner with the picture T drew of me alone in the crib and the picture of T with his granddaughter. T is really big on having as much support around me as possible so I made a replica of my baby blanket so that infant me would have the only thing she had bonded to. I was excited that T and I would be able to process some of that because I was just stuck, confused, flipping back and forth between the pictures.
All was good until the night before last when I had a dream about T. I was back in high school and in the dream my high school English teacher Was T’s wife. My English teacher was the one who recognized something was very wrong and started things moving to get me to see my first T. First T was a disaster other than being the one to show me that T’s are just normal people outside of the office. Anyway, in the dream high school me ended up with current T and current T was trying to connect with me. I woke up before he could connect with high school me. I was afraid of men at that time so it makes sense that someone would have to push me to T and that it would be hard for him to connect.
Well, once I woke up the whole feeling around T working with infant me changed. I am ambivalent to dissociative about asking for what I needed to work with infant me. I want to be in chairs high above the infant, the feelings and walled off from T (there are arms on the chairs). I don’t really want to bring the blanket in either. I did email T and let him know about the shift but not the dream as I am not sure if it is connected or not.
I don’t know what shifted or how to get back to that space so that T and I can work with infant me.
Other than letting T know (which I already have) does anyone have thoughts suggestions I why it shifted when I was so excited or how to get back to the space where it feels OK again???

Infants and small children can get overstimulated at times. They can get wound up about company or activity and just sort of fall apart in a lump of tears or tantrums until so exhausted they just collapse. Maybe your infant is overstimulated right now and just needs the quiet. Once she has rested, she'll be ready to interact again.

Sorry to hear of your struggles. There’s something so special about so many high school English teachers. The vast majority of ones I’ve met are awesome humans. I hope that your shift in feelings naturally shifts back over time. That has happened to me, too, because dreams can be so powerful and feel so real. Usually I shift back after a little time/awake experience. Maybe you will, too, after a grounding session in non-dream-world with your T. He sounds like a good one.

Thanks. Yes, my T is very good and I am very grateful to have him. English teachers for me have been hit or miss though

Hopefully the infant part will settle down by Monday. I really want T to work with her but I know he won’t force it and he won’t let me force it either.

Isn't that the story of a young child with an unpredictable caregiver.
One minute they're all over the baby, the next to gain control of their own wounded child they're unavailable
The baby doesn't know how to regulate.
Wants to be nourished, but if afraid of how it will be met. So pops, it's head back in its shell.
The dream features all aspects, of yourself. The part that could nurture and the experienced of not being nurtured, the internalised mother.
Just wait until your session. See what pans out. Until then it's all fantasy.

My input is to say just go with what is. If you have stepped back from it and can't access it at the moment there will be a reason for it. What you want to do doesn't have to be done THIS session. If it doesn't feel like the right time - yet - go with that. Listen to your inner self. Trust your inner self. There will be some reason for it not to be okay - yet. Trust that when it is the right time to be able to do this, you will know and be able to do it. There isn't just one chance to do this. There are multiple chances. It could happen this week, next week, or next month. But trust that you will know when it is the best time for it to happen, because it will just happen.
It's oka to take the pressure off about you needing to be ready for it to happen this coming session. You do need to be ready. And if you are not ready yet then it will not be what it needs to be. Let it unfold. It will come.

Well, last night I found a picture of myself and a friend around age 6 that the friend posted on social media. I pulled up T’s picture from his web page and put them next to eachother. I was hoping that adult me could talk a younger if not infant me through it. I was totally shocked by my internal response to it. I think everyone here pretty much knows I adore T and he has been so kind, gentle and consistent. We have had one misunderstanding but it was really easy to work it through with him. Apparently not all of me in convinced he is so loving, gentle and harmless. Apparently I am still rather cynical about men and believe he would not be the same with me as a child. This sucks.