Recovering From Therapy Abuse

**Trigger Warning** I’ve forgotten how to make a trigger warning.

Have been sexually, emotionally, financially, psychologically exploited by a therapist or two in the distant past and have written here about it.
I’ve shared this before but am posting it again. This is me describing my experience to my therapist at the time. Her response follows it.
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You know, our therapists can tell us, "It's not your fault,"... but I had family blaming me, My mother, "Well, I hope you learned your lesson." An aunt asked, "Did he tie you down, honey?" My brothers gestured to the ceiling in disbelief..."you gave him WHAT money?"

The police ask you what were you wearing, the licensing board officers put me on speaker phone (unbeknownst to me) and let me tell them details of the encounters. I spoke honestly, earnestly and graphically. But I startled when I heard several male voices and raucous laughter over the (speaker) phone. Angrily I asked him "did u have me on speaker phone?!" He went into all kinds of reasons why that would be unethical....'But I heard them!" He denied it.

And what about the physical examinations after the fact....can you imagine being violated yet having to submit to more physical examinations by more doctors? I refused to be examined by ob/gyn students..(in addition to my PCP)...not because I was "too good" for that, but because I ****ing thought I had shown doctors enough of my ****ing body....back the **** off!

My PCP at the time YELLED at ME for this. She said, "This is a teaching hospital. If you are going to continue as my patient, you may be examined by students!" She wouldn't let me explain why I had asked not to be examined by students. She stopped me- "Enough!"

Then, there's the lawyers on the other side.., More of, "What were you wearing, again?" "It was nine PM at night, what did you THINK was going to happen?" More- "Did you or did you not tell him your sexual fantasies about him?"

My attorney tried to be understanding. But it was her male attorney partner that quipped, "Well, at least I hope you had GOOD sex..."

What chance does a therapist abuse survivor have? I still feel like an idiot. I still feel it's partly my fault.

[trigger/] Sometimes I feel like ending it all.[/]

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T replied and I agree:

“Just reading this makes me furious. I want to urge survivors not to give ANYONE power over them regarding how they feel about themselves OR what they want with regard to privacy.”

I am so, so sorry precaryous!

None of it was your fault. ZERO percent. You also deserved better from those who should have been there for you afterwards.

I am SO glad you have your ethical therapist to support you through what was obviously a traumatic experience for you.

Post here as much as you like.

So sorry for what happened to you, glad you have been able, and continue, to post about it. It's taken a big chunk of your life.

What does or will recovery look like to you, do you think?

Can you believe, I can’t remember anyone actually asking that. This is such a good question for me. I will have to think about it.

Sometimes I feel there is no such thing as recovery. Other times I feel recovery may be a process. The entirety of my experience feels a little different to me now nearly twenty years out.

When it happened, it felt like I was hit by a truck. I was dazed, confused and in disbelief. When I decided to file complaints professionals said, ‘I guess you know what you’re getting into.’ But I had no idea what I was getting into.

Back then I didn’t understand; I realized I should have felt angry with him at the time but I couldn’t feel anger.

Now, I feel hatred and, too often, a lot of pain. But time has also helped tamper down some of those feelings. And the feelings of pain v. not a lot of pain cycle.

I’ll think about this more but I know one thing that feels healing- It feels a tiny bit healing for me to help other people going through similar experiences.

thank you for sharing your story again precaryous

as a long timer on PC, i've always admire your courage to be able to talk openly about your harmful experince and to be supportive of others who are questioning their therapeutic experiences or have had similar experiences. i too find it healing to be able to share my harmful and questionable therapy experiences so others know they are not alone.

I'd also like to thank you for sharing your story again , and hopefully the pain lessens a little every time you do so as it's processed as well as helping others to not feel they are so alone. Raucous laughter ? They SHOULD and probably DO know better , the shame lies with them. You are very brave , and it does help to have a good , ethical T. The great universal force that is karma will work it's magic in time , I've seen this with myself. You are not alone with your struggles , promise

Been thinking about it. Lots of pro and con thoughts and feelings are coming at me at the same time.

Basically, I have no idea what recovery should look like for me. I don’t feel I’m recovered at this moment. But I don’t even know what that means to me.

I struggle with many negative feelings. I don’t know if ‘recovered’ people still experience negative feelings? I don’t forgive him. But, of course, he hasn’t asked for forgiveness and I doubt he ever will. I don’t feel I forgive myself, either.

I still have bad dreams about him...and about that time. Sometimes I dream he’s chasing me in a parking garage. Sometimes I dream something bad has happened regarding him and I NEED to phone PrevT (in my dream) but I can never remember her entire phone number in my dream, so I wake up in a panic.

Do ‘recovered’ people still have bad dreams about their exploitation?
I’m not being a smart ***, I really don’t know.

I guess I need a definition for ‘recovery.’ ..or examples. I’ve never experienced it, so I don’t know ?

Thanks, precaryous. I guess I asked as much for myself as to suggest a question that might be interesting for you, too.

I don't know what "recovery" would look like for me, either. I thought that recovery from my pre-existing mental illness would be for me to feel like a normal person, unique and different like everybody else but not weird or depressed or unable to function and be a part of the world.

Recovery from being misled and exploited and ultimately rejected by therapists, though? The "cure" for that being cynicism and hostility towards therapists so that I won't be exploited again? This doesn't feel "recovered" to me. But I don't know what would either.

T is on vacation until August something.

We are definitely going to talk about this.
Even though I titled this thread, ‘Recovering From Therapist Abuse,’ my T’s have never asked me to imagine what recovery might look like for me...what do I want...what do I hope for...what are we working toward... It just seems like most of these past twenty years we have been putting out fires and trying to be aware and experience life’s small joys when they happen.

Thank you for asking the question.

I’ve learned to question everything and to speak up more for myself...and not to let anyone have agency over me with regard to boundaries and privacy. I think that’s healthier than my just giving my trust entirely away.

I’ve learned trust is earned. I shouldn’t give trust away just because they are doctors or most anyone in authority.

Isn’t that the purpose of pain, so we pay attention and realize, ‘Let’s not let *that* happen again?’

I find it really hard to define recovery as well. I don't expect, or probably even want, to be the same person I was before the exploitation. Sometimes the process reminds me of the fictional stories of people with "multiple personalities" who have to integrate the different personalities. I wish I had more journals from before and during the years I was involved with her, because sometimes I have trouble remembering who I was. I have only recently realized that there are things that I struggle with and have been thinking of as lifetime issues or part of my personality - difficulty concentrating, memory gaps, holding onto useless objects to the point of having a house that looks hoarded ( that problem is better thank goodness), impulsive actions - all only existed AFTER my therapist betrayed my trust. I'm pegging away at having different reactions to things related to that time - like seeing a car like hers, and having difficulty not going home straight from work.

I am most familiar with the concept of recovery from my experience with addiction and the many other people I have encountered in that context. I think some people just prefer to always look at it as an open-ended, ever progressing process, sometimes out of fear other times as a healthy reminder of the past and what can happen. I think this can also apply to traumatic experiences and abuse, which often generates chronic anxiety, fear and low self-confidence.

My impression is often that seeing these things as life-long processes can be a personality thing/choice, or it can truly be a sign that someone is still quite significantly affected by it, the mind is still preoccupied and sometimes feels vulnerable. I have things from my own life that I look at differently in this sense. For example, I definitely feel recovered from chronic bullying and an eating disorder in my far past - I never ruminate on those in a negative, emotional sense and it's been that way for decades now. They also do not affect my life or cause me challenges in any form now except some actually positive lessons and resilience acquired through them. Definitely don't feel the same way (yet?) regarding my alcohol abuse, which was in a much more recent past and caused a lot more damage than anything else... so I think it's more realistic for me to say I am still kinda recovering from it even though I rarely feel vulnerable to relapse now. And there is the thing that has been life-long and I do not expect it to ever go away fully: anxiety. Better to accept that and learn to cope with it, much like a relatively mild chronic physical illness (so I like the GAD diagnosis, very accurate for my case).

I believe interpersonal traumas and abuse can work similarly. Not everyone has a traumatic reaction to start with, some recover more easily/quickly, other perhaps never fully. But it is really best to apply the terminology that's most helpful for a person, i.e. if "recovering" transmits a feeling of being defective forever, maybe not the most helpful term. If it helps someone to be more cautions without excessive avoidance, I think it can be quite helpful.

Very interesting post. What is most relevant to me after thinking about it for a couple of days are two things.

1. Vulnerability. Many people go to therapy with vulnerabilities that we may not even know about. In my case I didn't get into relationships in the real world where I was exploited -- I could look out for that. But therapy was a different kettle of fish and I do fault the profession for allowing and setting up a system that has little recognition of the potential for harm and exploitation that can cause.

2. Addiction and recovery. I wasn't addicted to substances but I think addiction to therapy may be a good description for what my situation was. And, yes, there is shame and chagrin connected with. I still feel some longing for the (fake) validation and affirmation. It is somewhat similar to the few years after I quit smoking. But that was more than 30 years ago and I no longer want to smoke, would probably dislike it a lot if I tried it again, so I feel pretty recovered from that.

So, recovery from therapy (and therapy addiction) in my case is probably best accomplished by avoiding more therapy. For others, avoiding situations that led to abuse may be the key.

"Recovery" from the pre-existing trauma and damaged sense of self -- I don't know about that. That's the dilemma. Getting caught up in therapy and exploited by therapists just worsened it for me. At least finally I have gotten out.

I was the second of seven women who came forward about an exploiting Pdoc ~15 years ago.
Three of the victims cooperated with the criminal and medical board cases. I brought a civil suit.

1). The Medical Board revoked his license.
2). The criminal case was not pursued.
3). The civil case settled for very little bc he didn’t carry malpractice insurance during the time when the worst harm was done.

I posted a newspaper article months ago that was published at the time detailing pretty much how he exploited one of the victims. (The article wasn’t about me or my case.)

I still want to know *why* the deputy attorney general...or, whoever was in charge of the case,....decided not to prosecute him.

People have wondered if the case wasn’t prosecuted because, maybe, that victim decided not to cooperate? But that shouldn’t have stopped a criminal case becasue it wasn’t ‘victim’ vs. PDoc....it was a felony. Wouldn’t it have been the U.S. vs. Pdoc?

I still want to know what happened.

It’s just occurred to me I’ve never heard any of my T’s...or the Medical Board...or the police...or my lawyers..tell me they are sorry my family and I have been irrevocably harmed.

Maybe-

Maybe it would feel healing for *someone* at the Psychiatric Medical Board or APA , I don’t know who, to say they are SORRY for graduating such a person, for not requiring a life long follow up- examining all practicing psychiatrist’s fitness to practice.

They need to catch these pieces of **** before they HURT patients. You know, honor their ****ing oath of ‘do no harm.’

I want them to say they are SORRY for encouraging and being part of the ‘good ol’ boys’ or ‘boys will be boys’ club.

I want them to say they are taking ACTIVE STEPS to stop therapist exploitation and prove to me they are DOING IT.

I want them to say they are SORRY for having any part in profoundly hurting my family and for hurting me...for taking decades out of my life.

Maybe that would feel ****ing healing.

The pain is palpable. Just to let you know again that you're not alone with it , and I hope that helps a little

Maybe those organizations aren't sorry because they don't have any people in them who really understand that pain that Out There and some of the rest of us do. To me, it's just obvious. Not to lots of other people apparently, though. I wonder why not? Is it just denial?

I recently went back to the Therapy Exploitation Link Line, wondering if they had anything about healing.

They don't have very much, but they do have two categories

https://www.therapyabuse.org/t2-healing.htm

Attachment to Abuser | TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line

That website has been around a long time, but doesn't seem it's done much for the big picture of raising public awareness about therapy exploitation. Maybe some people just can't get it? It took a long to for sexual exploitation of children by priests in the Catholic Church to be recognized. And then it took a longer time for the institution to say they were sorry, too. I expect they were horrified, and embarrassed, and took their focus on themselves and their feelings and not on the feelings of those who had been exploited. And therefore hurt, and what that hurt actually was like. Maybe/probably some or most still have a hard time with it.

I was in a support group with someone who had been a victim, and had clearly been victimized, and had moved on. It was interesting to see -- He was not a victim any more, that was clear.. But also the pain of having been victimized -- he certainly wasn't laying that on anybody else, to feel sorry about his situation any more. It seems pretty clear to me he must have "done the work" and realized how very much he had been victimized. Accepted that victimization from the past and the pain of that situation and -- how many years? -- before he came to terms with it, sort of.

There was a strength in him I don't know I've seen from anybody else before. As in, "I was once very badly victimized, and it will not happen again." A quiet certainty that it won't happen again.

His life cannot be the same as it might have been. His trust in the church and his family is not the same as it might have been. He was badly wounded and scarred, but the scars cover what had been wounds and vulnerability, and he was not what I would call in any way "wounded" when I saw him in that group. Scarred, yes, wounded, no.

Strong, but not invincible because he was once wounded very badly. Cautious, more realistic, wiser than many young men his age. Sucks it had to happen but it did, and it's past.

That may be hogwash and not what things are really like for him at all, but that IS how it seemed to me. Maybe it's a good example of how healing might look like, I don't know.

One other thing seemed clear -- he knows it was not his fault.

If the institutions said they were Sorry, then that would make clear they didn't think it was your fault, either.

BUT -- even if they don't, knowing it is not your fault is #1 on this list, provided in a link on TELL

Article by Shahida Arabi: “What Abuse Survivors Don’t Know: 10 Life-Changing Truths” – Surviving Therapist Abuse

I just wrote a lot of words -- don't know if any of them will help. But like Out There, I hope it helps a little to hear that you are heard, and that you are not alone with your pain.

I feel so sorry for you Precaryous. The abuse and the he.. you went through reporting it. It seems like you were f...d over twice. I was abuse my a therapist He claimed to be a past life, regression therapist. If that matters. What I think is pertient is that he raped me. Never reported it because there were no witness. ie couldn't prove what he did. Hugs.

Thank you so much for this Here Today. The young man you speak of is very Interesting in what he has achieved from this. For myself at the moment what I'm working on is the experiences have been very painful , but I'm still here and how has it empowered me ? Just a small thing and a baby step , and very hard work. If many people are or become involved in a situation the dynamics then become very complex. People are not honest with themselves , and if they are , they get crucified by the others. If we have suffered trauma , we very much feel we've lost our sense of self , and our power , which we then try to get back from external sources who often do not validate what has happened , what the truth is , or what corrective actions should be taken. And I guess it's human nature , being in denial , blaming others , and finger pointing are no doubt much easier than taking any responsibility. I think if we can get validation from people who've experienced this it then gives us a solid foundation to build on and then just take it one day at a time.

A lot of words from me too and I hope they help a little as well.

This is true.

This is something that could have helped me very much, I think, if my last therapist could have told me. If perhaps we could have used it as a template for what was going on with me in therapy, not just with her but previously, too.

Instead, I just got (re-) traumatized, more and again. Until there were no "professional" outside sources that I was willing to (try to) trust again.

What happened was, the authority victimized us. That's a fact.

Corrective action? We are doing what we can, in speaking out, in voices as we (sometimes) gain them, and validating each other since the authorities will not.