Couch 202: The Grande Unicorn Frappuccino couch.

Hi Couchies. I can't believe it is Monday again. I still want it to be the weekend. (Whine) But that's okay. Another one is right around the corner. I had T appointment on Friday. She did a risk assessment since I reported suicidal thoughts that week. But at the same time I sort of felt like she didn't take me seriously because I did self protective measures like spending time with friends, instead of isolating. I've had over 10 years of therapy! My former T taught me to do the opposite of what you want to do with you're suicidal. Sure I wanted to isolate, but I didn't. And it helped. I think T didn't take me seriously which really bugs me because I was in a bad state Tuesday/Wednesday. My brain is being messed up and telling me that T doesn't care and crap like that, which I know isn't true. I don't know what I'm complaining about. She did a risk assessment. She did what she was supposed to do. I guess I wanted more...empathy? Like, I'm sorry you went through such a hard time. What can we do to make it better next time? Something like that. Instead it was like, well you got through it, you're here. Yup, but lady, I just went through heck. Have some compassion!

Anyone think I'm being too sensitive?

I dont think you are being sensitive. When you fought like h3ll to save your life it is a little deflating/insulting when people don't seem to take that effort seriously. I struggle with it a lot. People not seeming to care what you had to do to get there just as long as you are there.

Well done you for surviving everything

Your T was probably just assessing the current risk but that is not overly sensitive to what you have been through. I would maybe bring it up

I called and spoke with the coordinator at the hospital about the php program. Apparently my insurance denied the request. She said they're doing a peer review meeting today with their provider and the insurance to explain why they think I need the program to see if they'll approve it. She said it'll occur sometime between 12-3 today and she'll call me later today about the outcome. I've never had my insurance deny anything for mental health, so I don't know why they would deny this and don't know what happens if they deny it again. I guess just continue with my outpatient therapy with T.

HUGS @SheHulk07 Sometimes insurance really sucks.

Hugs shehulk. I hope it all works out.

This is one reason I struggle with working for a division of a health insurance company. I'm in the pharmacy, so not directly responsible for coverage decisions but I feel so bad for members when I hear about things being denied that they need. I enjoy my work, but struggle with who I work for.

My H works for a health insurance company, too, but in a completely different area from who approves and denies claims. He still doesn't like telling people he works there.

Hope it works out for you...glad they're willing to fight for you. Wonder if your T would be able to talk to them as well?

I completely understand your feelings.I also feel like my T underreacts to those sorts of thoughts or I've talked to him about it, and I suggest you talk to your T about it as well. It could definitely be that since you used good coping techniques, she assumes you're OK. When that may very much not be the case.

I'm sure he would be more than willing if need be. He's already been talking with the care coordinator for my insurance after I was discharged from inpatient. I know he mentioned last week that he doesn't think there would be an issue with me seeing him and doing php because of that fact; that he's been talking to the coordinator and they know what's going on.

So today, my T admitted that his thing about not wanting to stand was mainly about his back, because it hurts much more to stand from that chair (at his desk) than from the one he sits in during session. He acted like it was this huge disclosure, but he told me months ago that he injured his back and has been sitting on this back support thing on his regular chair since then. So it was no surprise. If he'd just said that to begin with, everything would have been so much easier. It could have gone like this instead of the mess it became: Me: "I wish you would stand up when I leave." T: "It really hurts my back to stand up from that chair, so I'd rather not do it much more than I have to." Me; "Oh, OK, I completely understand. No problem." Instead...


Today's session was a bit up and down. Didn't help that he was like 7 minutes late to get me, though to his credit, he both apologized and kept me a bit longer. Which is good, because it could have ended on a rather negative, awkward note. Instead, we have something good to examine for next time: How to work on not having the need to figure people out so much. And he had the good insight that I try to do that so that I can figure out how to be to each person, like how to shift myself to be what I think they want me to be. He doesn't want me to do that with him (or with anyone, really).

That's good if you could still see him during the PHP. One of my big objections when my former p-doc tried to get me to do PHP like 3 or 4 years ago was that I wouldn't be allowed to see my ex-T or ex-MC for a couple months. It felt like, "You're struggling, but you don't get to see the therapists you know best and feel safest with during that time."

OMG LT. If he would have just said it was about his back, that would have saved a lot of heartache. HUGS!

Exactly! Maybe he thought that was too much self-disclosure? Or he just didn't want to have to explain himself? I don't know...

That's my fear if insurance does end up approving it, that insurance will say I can't do both. My T said he'll do whatever he can if it comes to that because he knows I feel safest with him.

Maybe it is also a good lesson in changing assumptions: assume other people have good reasons for doing or not doing something instead of assuming it has to do with you. Totally different reactions, one much better than the other for you.

Orientation stuff this week. I really need to put my syllabus together.

Yes, that's a good point. I also said to him today that I felt (from some of the conversation Wed.) that maybe he was trying to help me accept caring that's not in the exact form I'd want it to be. Which could help me in outside life, too. Like I'm realizing more stuff that H does that's caring/loving. Even if it doesn't fit my typical definition of it. Or things that friends do.

Got the call back and for now I'm approved for the IOP, which is what I wanted to begin with. It's 4 days a week 3 hours a day. The lady said that insurance will be watching my progress closely, and they'll see once I get in there and do a few days if I need more or something along those lines. I agreed to start tomorrow.

Sorry, Info fans, no fashion report this week. I just canceled on her, telling her I would not get anything from tomorrow’s session since I currently feel more than usual that all therapy is bull, including hers.

(I do feel that way, but overall I’m in a bad mood anyway these days and she would not help.)