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Unhappy Jul 27, 2019 at 07:13 AM
  #1
As I am leaving he mentions it to me. I cry foul play. Therapist do not forget to tell clients they will not be in the office for their sessions. In the past he sent out a global email to all clients with instructions.

Am I thinking into this too much? My mind keeps going to him grooming me for termination. That triggers me so bad. He is also harping real hard on him writing down goals I want to achieve in therapy. He has never done that in the past year and a half. Something is up.

He said to me one time, in a real bad emotional session, that even if I achieved everything in therapy and all my symptoms went away, I did not have to keep coming and even if my insurance went away he would figure that out and do a sliding scale for me.

I do not trust anything someone says in a heated or emotion touching moment because it is said just then to try and help but maybe not really mean it.

I know I am a big girl, grown woman, and suck it all up.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 08:20 AM
  #2
Nothing anyone can say right now will reasure you.
Lived experience is the long term reasurence.
Ie, a Yr from now you're still seeing him and this was just an error
Though I'd be more concerned with his sloppiness.or lack of emotional handling of breaks.

I've always had Ts dates handed to me 4weeks in advance.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 09:06 AM
  #3
I feel you- this happened to me once, but in my case it was a genuine mistake. Its impossible to know whether it's your fear of rejection talking or intuition that T is secretly not wanting to work with you, but either way it's a deeply painful place to be in. Is it possible to try and talk to him about it when hes back? Could you try to Express your worries as then youd know for sure either way? Sometimes the worst thing is not knowing.

I hope you cope ok with the break. I really struggled when this happened to me. Journaling or writing here might help? Please take care.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 09:35 AM
  #4
This was a major vacation. So not sure how he could have forgotten to tell a client he sees twice a week that he will not be in next week. The way I found out was as I was leaving I said I will see you Monday and that is when he said he was not in next week and he just remembered he forgot to tell me.

I do hope it was a genuine mistake on his part because he has been busy with work and family life. No one likes to be forgotten and not thought of especially those of us who where neglected as children and deal with feeling unwanted as it is.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 10:04 AM
  #5
You maybe a big girl and a grown woman- but that would be a huge trigger for most people especially those with attachment stuff

I don't think you should just have to suck it all up. Maybe you could see a back up T?

How long is his break for?

My T calls me a "special case" and gives me 2 months notice because he knows I freak out .

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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 11:47 AM
  #6
That seems rather sloppy and careless. Not very professional either as he ought to know better or organise himself better.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 12:04 PM
  #7
My T also did this once. Could it be he dreads conflict with you/disappointing , and unconsciously put off telling you?

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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 12:34 PM
  #8
This would really bother me, too. My T has learned he needs to tell me in advance. Maybe he thought he told you? Or had his weeks mixed up or something?
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 12:49 PM
  #9
Yes he should have said something. Yes he should have made emergency arrangements. But, were you actually scheduled for an appointment while he was gone? This makes no sense.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 02:08 PM
  #10
Could it be that he did “just” forget? It’s devastating, whatever the reason, though. Once, I was halfway through a session in which T and I were having a conflict and he said, this is terrible timing but I have to tell you I am out next week and forgot to tell you. I promptly burst into tears and explained that I would’ve handled the session totally differently, had I known he would be out. He has been much more diligent about giving me notice since then. We talked it out when he got back and he was able to rebuild my trust in him.

I do hope when he comes back you will talk through your (totally warranted) distress with him so he can hear how it affected you and give him a chance to help you feel reassured.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 03:10 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by SalingerEsme View Post
My T also did this once. Could it be he dreads conflict with you/disappointing , and unconsciously put off telling you?
To me that seems a very plausible explanation. The OP's T seems to have changed course recently quite a bit. Who knows what counter-transferences are at work there. But to just forget to announce the vacation as an innocent mistake - nah, it doesn't sound logical to me.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 04:33 PM
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My T also did this once. Could it be he dreads conflict with you/disappointing , and unconsciously put off telling you?
Well then that would be counter-transference and he need to work on that if that is the case.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 04:34 PM
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Yes he should have said something. Yes he should have made emergency arrangements. But, were you actually scheduled for an appointment while he was gone? This makes no sense.

I see him twice a week. Monday and Fridays.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Jul 27, 2019 at 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by SalingerEsme View Post
My T also did this once. Could it be he dreads conflict with you/disappointing , and unconsciously put off telling you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by feileacan View Post
To me that seems a very plausible explanation. The OP's T seems to have changed course recently quite a bit. Who knows what counter-transferences are at work there. But to just forget to announce the vacation as an innocent mistake - nah, it doesn't sound logical to me.


my ex-T did this more than once and each time it lead to yet again another rupture. each time we talked through those ruptures, he would talk about how he felt like he was 'walking on eggshells' in regards to me and my reactions to him. basically, he was telling me that he struggled with disapointing me and to me, that signaled that was his lack of confidence and counter-transference he needed to work on. sadly he never really seemed to be able to get past that and we continued to have this same exact 'walking on eggshells' conversation up to the end.
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Default Jul 31, 2019 at 03:22 AM
  #15
Trauma survivors have really good instincts and mine are telling me he is lying to me and is using tactics to get me to unattached to him.

I do not believe he is on vacation. I wanted to just show up at his office to actually see if he was there but I did not.

Since I started with him he has ALWAYS replied to any email or journal I sent him. Even when he was away. Last time he went to Denmark for 10 days and insisted I go ahead and email him because at night he likes to read his emails. It is just what he does he said. So on Saturday I sent him something to see if he would respond. As I suspected he did not. Just a tactic I have read on here that therapist do. They do a complete 360 in how they behave with clients.

And before anyone tells me I have cognitive distortions and his behavior is not about me and maybe he has something going on I already thought about that. Sure I could be wrong but I will never know. Therapists lie to protect themselves.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Jul 31, 2019 at 06:05 AM
  #16
It's entirely possible that he's away someplace where he doesn't have cell (out of the country) or WiFi access, so he hasn't seen your email. My T also allows email contact while he's away, and he told me that on that trip, he didn't know if he'd have WiFi. This tiny part of me wondered if he wasn't being honest, but then the Monday he got there, he emailed me to let me know he did in fact have WiFi. I really hope your T isn't lying to you.
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Default Jul 31, 2019 at 06:07 AM
  #17
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It's entirely possible that he's away someplace where he doesn't have cell (out of the country) or WiFi access, so he hasn't seen your email. My T also allows email contact while he's away, and he told me that on that trip, he didn't know if he'd have WiFi. This tiny part of me wondered if he wasn't being honest, but then the Monday he got there, he emailed me to let me know he did in fact have WiFi. I really hope your T isn't lying to you.

I think he is testing me. Testing to see if I resort to past behaviors or go into some crisis or if I can stay in adult self. It sucks. Feeling like this sucks.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Default Jul 31, 2019 at 07:36 AM
  #18
Speaking from just my own experience with my therapist, I noticed that she acted most provocatively (“forgetting things”, “poor listening”) when we had a very long stretch of consistent appointments - like when we were doing series of twice a week appointments or she had just come back from a vacation and wouldn’t be going anywhere for a while. It doesn’t seem to me like he would pull out therapy tricks when he can’t be there to support a potential crash. Selfishly, I doubt he would provoke a client before his own vacation which I’m guessing he just wants to relax through and disengage with work.

I think there could definitely be a subconscious reason he might have forgotten. I think the fear of disappointing you sounds quite valid. Though “just forgetting” seems plausible too.

Regarding your feelings - totally understandable!!! I would have been extremely upset too! I used to plan topics and gauge intensity of sessions based on her availability. There were places I wouldn’t go if I knew she wouldn’t be there the next week.
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Default Jul 31, 2019 at 08:25 AM
  #19
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Trauma survivors have really good instincts and mine are telling me he is lying to me and is using tactics to get me to unattached to him.

I do not believe he is on vacation. I wanted to just show up at his office to actually see if he was there but I did not.

Since I started with him he has ALWAYS replied to any email or journal I sent him. Even when he was away. Last time he went to Denmark for 10 days and insisted I go ahead and email him because at night he likes to read his emails. It is just what he does he said. So on Saturday I sent him something to see if he would respond. As I suspected he did not. Just a tactic I have read on here that therapist do. They do a complete 360 in how they behave with clients.

And before anyone tells me I have cognitive distortions and his behavior is not about me and maybe he has something going on I already thought about that. Sure I could be wrong but I will never know. Therapists lie to protect themselves.
Have you confronted him about those things? Have you asked him why did he previously behave differently than now? What has changed?
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Default Jul 31, 2019 at 12:22 PM
  #20
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Have you confronted him about those things? Have you asked him why did he previously behave differently than now? What has changed?
He is not back from vacation. I see him again August 5th. I did say that I felt like I was being punished from two weeks ago with that email I sent him about the Bulimia. He did say he switched gears and is pushing more as he feels I am ready to do more because I did not come in after that email in a total crisis and I was in my adult self. He swears he is not punishing me and that is the reason.

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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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