Ts break

Imo, it's nice to hear about good experiences with therapy/therapists. We hear so much about the horrible stuff, understandably so, but it's nice to see evidence of all the genuine ones out there and what a difference they are making to people's lives.

Well said, lonely.

Me too, I agree!

So, my thinking when left alone was. To not go to the first session back. Why? Because whrn I last saw T she had said "obviously I won't be sending my Monday email to you (she startedd doing this when I cut back a session) because it is a break. But I will send a couple of emails to you (something she's always done in a long break).
I simply replied" yeah I knew that ". T said" good in glad you did"
But inside my head I was screaming. I felt all hurt and rejected. Felt embarrassed that the Monday emails meant so much to me. But I couldn't show her these feelings. Shane attached to needing.
So as I started this thread with, I didn't attend the last session.

As the last week of this break neared. The hurt grew. Probably because I know it's safe to feel the full force of the hurt with the end in sight. Even though my thinking was nut to go.
But this last email from T brought my head back into sanity.
The "I'll see you soon" at the end of it. Completely wiping out my thinking that she badly needed a break from the' Monday emails'.
The break made sense to me again.

We can get so locked into a singular thinking when it's just in our head. Having that input changes it.

That "ill see you soon", cyber reasurence that he absence isnt a lock out. She's still there. Alongside keeping us in mind.
Thank god that sword fight in my head of hurt and not wanting to go. Teaching her a lesson.
A protection against her maybe not wanting to see me soon.
I will tell her now how her email dragged me out of my own head.
I trust her again.

It sounds like you have a really special relationship with your T and I enjoy hearing about it. I can particularly relate to what you’ve written in this post - the skipping a session before T’s vacation and the ambivalence about going back. I tend to experience this on a weekly basis. I see my T twice/week on consecutive days and by the end of the weekend I am often contemplating what it would be like to skip the upcoming week. It’s such a shift in how I had felt when I left his office the previous week. Maybe it has to do with shame about wanting something from him - I’m not sure. A couple weeks ago I emailed him and told him about this shift and he wrote back with a simple response, saying, “Yes, I agree that a lot can change internally in 5 days. I am looking forward to our time together this week.” Logically, this little bit of reassurance seems silly, but it did feel good. As you said, I guess it brought me out of my head. So maybe that’s progress. Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience.

I can relate as well. Things can get really catastrophic in my head, particularly when there's been a break from seeing T. Currently it's been longer due to a day change, and I'm struggling with feelings of hurt and rejection. T feels really distant and I've convinced myself she is sick of me and no longer cares. I know if the adult reaches out it will be fine, but the child cant. And it's the child who needs her. Previously when I have finally managed to reach out, T just calms down the chaos in my mind and it's all fine again. But before that happens, it can feel like a horrible lonely nightmare. I'm glad that you feel reassured by your T's words and know it's all just as it always is.

So the break is officially over with Ts normal Monday email received

I'm still battling between wanting to hide all my feelings from her tomorrow and finally being able to release them.
Yes I can do life without her. But what a wonderful avenue to have. Someone to release all the tensions too! And be certain she'll know what I'm taking about.
Never, ever, having that in my younger life, I'm glad I've got it now!
No doubt there be some emotional attacks coming from me to her. But she takes that, no, she receives that. There's a difference.

What a nice perspective you have on all of this. Curious how it goes.

I also think it's great you have that with t and that your t is presumably open to seeing you for however long you need. My t has indicated she has no problem with me coming for however long even if I don't 'need' to come anymore because she said the therapy space is helpful for many people in their lives. I know it's not even about wanting people's money (as some people may think) because I've said I may not be in the same situation that I'm in now and she replied that we can always work something out. Much is written about therapy goals and such, which is important and great, but sometimes therapy is simply about having a space to BE with someone and that is okay too. If you're both okay with it, that's all that matters.

Yes. Mine isn't about money either. £20 a week she gets from me lol
And yes, therapy is now about a place to be.

I've beeeeeen lol.
Told T that I'd made my mind up to hide my genius from her today and that I don't want her asking me about them, she obeyed.

So I talked any safe things. Toward the end I said I don't knie why I want to not give you my real feelings. I guess in my head I don't want you get satisfaction from them!
T said, that's the dynamics, you had with your mother. You are angry with me. That's fine.
As I paid her in leaving, I said " the money for that last session (that I chose not to go to before the break) that you didn't let me come to is there lol.

T went" oi"😂