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#1
T is taking 5 sessions off after next week's.
Because I've cut back I don't feel I have enough of her at the moment. But I'm still not off the mind to go back up to twice a week. I mean if T died now I'd be in the same boat so I think it's best to adjust with her still here. (anyone reading making judgements on one a, week but being enough, carry on. Your not in my shoes. Don't have my history) So I went to session this Wednesday just gone and as, we talked about the break and the hurt I feel more so this time. T a couple of times have me that "yes I understand" look, but I needed her to reasure my worries even though intellectually I understand it. So I came away feeling hurt. Decided in not going to the last session next Wednesday because I just want to get into the break and forget the hurt. My first thought was to ghost next Wednesday. But she and I deserve better than that. So I emailed telling her. She replied... Dear *****, I’m sorry you’re so upset and that I didn’t help you with it on Wednesday. Even though you “knew”, it still feels like a rejection, and in some ways it is, of course - I’m not going to be there for you in the same way for the next few weeks. (That’s not the same as not being there at all though.) I should have picked up on the emotional side of it rather than focusing on the practical aspects. What was the other thing that I didn’t put words to? Can you tell me what you said? I can understand what you’re saying about wanting the hurt to be gone, and that not coming next week helps you start that off. If you do decide you want to come though, I will be here. Breaks are never easy - but maybe this time it’s harder because you don’t feel like you have enough of me to start with? Thank you for your good wishes. I understand that’s genuine and not sarcastic. Love, ***** ***** I think I've read her reply through the rejection lens too. Normally her replies fix things. This hasn't for me this time. |
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Amyjay, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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*Beth*
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#2
I really wish my T would send an email like that to me. Anything ending in love would be great. I like the way she said ‘I should have picked up on the emotional side’. Somehow this email has not taken away your pain.
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Spangle
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2018
Location: UK
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#3
I understand this very much Mouse, I often have a similar response to breaks, and your therapist sounds a lot like mine in the email!
I hope you are able to settle with absence and that it goes by quickly. If nothing else, I tend to find the hurt and anger I feel around breaks becomes fertile ground for exploration when he returns. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
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#4
I'm really sorry you're going through this. My T is also on a break and I had a similar reaction, it's hard. My T also sounds much like yours and Echos in how she deals with it, but I know it doesn't take the pain away, the feelings you've been left with. Would journaling help over the break, or writing T letters?
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
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#5
Who gives these chumps permission to go on holiday anyway?
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malika138, Spangle, susannahsays, unaluna
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#6
Please don't be sorry I'm going through this. I don't see it as a bad thing. It is what it is. Mainly impart because of me reducing my sessions after 16yrs.
You know, today I asked my almost 3yr old grandson if he likes cuddles? He replied "yes! Too much" No shame attached to it. He simply stateted what he likes and how much. That's how I feel. Being with T for me is life a giant cuddle. I love them. From her metaphorical speaking of course. No shame. She's away for 5 weeks. I will miss that feeling I get when I'm with her - too much. |
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malika138, unaluna
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Spangle, unaluna
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
Member Since Jun 2011
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#7
Thats why the poet said,
"'Tis better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all!" |
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Spangle
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#9
Just saw this qoute from a book...
"I too have loved, ... I was capable of suffering and ... I was human after all." Jacqueline Harpman's I Who Have Never Known Men: |
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unaluna
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ArtleyWilkins, unaluna
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#10
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Anonymous49809, Spangle
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Member
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#11
It's all about finding connection, isn't it? And somehow, having been deprived from real connection in our first years, there's this eternal hunger and longing for it.
And I find, paradoxically (or not), that starting to form a real connection with my T makes this hunger and yearning even stronger, at first. Little me constantly crying, yelling, even tantruming: I want more of this. And I want it now! And every break, and every cancelled session is a major emotional desaster in this context, even though I can rationalize it away. But the emotional pain of being lost and forsaken stays with me. This is where I'm at. And maybe, feeling this hunger and yearning is even part of it all. I have the hope that someday I'll be able to hold on to the connection without those massive bouts of longing and yearning, because I've entered more secure grounds. |
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#12
Quote:
I even looked forward to the breaks. But the dropping a session has made a difference. I've the next few days are over. It'll be fine. But as you say. Whrn there's such a huge hole from childhood. That feeling of not enough remains. A lot of people will deny those feelings. Take a pride almost in being above it all *rolls eyes* I find emotional honesty is required to get to where I want to be. My emotional honesty is that this hurts. |
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cinnamon_roll
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#13
T today still sent her normal Monday email.
Seems even though I've decided the holiday has, as lready started. T hasn't. |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2013
Location: Pugare
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#14
I wish my therapist would email me like that.
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unaluna
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Poohbah
Member Since Sep 2017
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#15
You & me both!
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#16
So. This is T's 2nd week into her break, but my 3rd because I didn't go to last session.
I think what really done it for me that last session was when T said of course she won't be emailing me on Mondays because it's a break. Though intellectually I got that. It stung. I felt like something T needed to get away from. So, I shut down. Even this morning if I'm brutally honest with myself, I still feel the sting. And then ...I sit down at my desk at work and up pops an email from T! I was or am plesently surprised. Like a small child I felt "she remembered. She realises that to long in the wilderness is harsh for me' I feel fixed again. |
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coolibrarian, malika138, SalingerEsme, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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#17
So... T sent me an email from where she's gone on vacation.
This is the 5th week she's been gone (she only actually travelled this week). Who does this? Thinks enough about 'us' to check in occasionally. I appreciate her integrity. The email isn't a big one. Just a photo from a museum in New York. But that she cares enough to do this!? . She doesn't have too. 17yrs of never charging me much at all. Never missing a session (accept for breaks) never breaking her word. Solidly there, wind or rain. I'm impressed. |
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malika138, SlumberKitty, unaluna
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
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#18
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#19
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
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#20
Quote:
The phrase "showing off" has negative connotations of course: we should not show ourselves for fear of being seen by others! Be quiet, demure, polite! So, go ahead. You show off and let me notice it. |
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unaluna
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unaluna
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