Love vs. Care

Right, I wouldn't believe someone was sorry if their actions said otherwise. HOWEVER, having some sort of weird inability to apologize is not a good thing. It's neurotic and it's especially weird to inform other people that you are never going to apologize. Lacks humility.

Maybe it doesn't make any sense, but words DO matter to me. We're taught in therapy to identify our emotions and feelings. We're taught to label them and talk about them. This doesn't just include feelings about yourself and situations; it includes how you feel about people. Words are important, and it's important for me to know how people feel about me.

L gave an example of a T who did love her clients, but never said so. She assumed that her clients would just know that she loved them through actions. To me, that's wrong to just assume people know how you feel.

I can understand being careful and not just telling everyone you love them. In therapy, that can cause others pain, confusion, etc. It can be triggering and bringing up past traumas.

I am ready to know how she feels about me, so long as it's direct and clear which L already knows due to a snafu last session.

I'm not saying actions aren't important. They are. I know this well thanls to Ex-T, H, and all the other people who have abandoned me or abused me.

Maybe I need words because we never used feeling words in my family. The only time we say love to someone is pretty much holidays, if that. Except my mom, she over uses it.

I like these word. Are any inappropriate in your opinion? Or am I missing some other good words? I didn't include care, because I know for sure she cares.

Love
Affection
Fondness
Liking
Tenderness
Warmth
Endearment
Concern
Consideration
Attentiveness
Regard
Respect
Closeness
Affinity
Compassion

Goodness, that is very rigid and does not denote healthy behaviour.

Yes, actions tend to show what a person feels and/or where they are coming from. However, refusing to verbally acknowledge that one (any human being, not just a T) messed up is not modeling healthy, functional, behaviour.

Her reply comes across as rather passive-aggressive and somewhat like a big 'eff you'.

Ex-T was the only T to use the word love with me. She said it twice, but I forgot one of them. The one I remember is "I want you to feel safe and loved when with me". I wonder now after she left me, did she love me? She's yet another person who I thought loved me, but hurt me.

I don't think L is going to hurt me. I hope not! I know my relationship with her is slightly different than any of my other Ts because I know our individual sessions will come to an end one day. No other T did we talk about an end. But we have discussed only a little that our relationship can and will continue after the end of individual sessions though we haven't discussed what that will look like yet. But my point is, I don't think she's going to abandon me. She doesn't have to at least. She will be rid of me at some point.

Maybe she doesn't feel love for me. I'll have to accept that. But I do wish she'd feel that way or similar. Like T being the first person to not abandon me, maybe L can be the first person to love me and not abuse or abandon me?

I like the word tenderness best.

What are some "pre-questions" I can ask L before asking "Do you love me?"

What is your definition of love?
Do you believe in love in a therapeutic relationship?

I don't know!

I see her in 1.5 days! I don't feel fully prepared yet. I know she'll help guide the conversation (especially since she knows we're going to have this discussion). She's probably prepared. I don't even know where to begin.

I'm not making any comment on your ex therapist, but someone loving you does not mean they will never hurt you. I expect you do know that on some level, but I wonder if your underlying belief is closer to what I quoted above: that love is disproved when someone hurts you.

I understand people can hurt you even when they love you. I guess what I should have clarified the difference between accidental hurt and intentional hurt. What ex-T did wasn't just an accidental hurt. She abandoned me. What H does to me isn't accidental; it's abuse.

I know if L doesn't love me, it's going to hurt. Just like it did when T said she didn't love me. But I don't think that not loving me equals to not caring.

Maybe the true material for your therapy would be why you are so invested in hearing about all your therapists loving you, not her answer.

Personally I think it would be a bit weird if she loved you, a client she has seen a short time. But saying this doesn't mean you are not lovable, I'm sure you are.

This was my thinking also. You've done this before; in fact, almost exactly 2 years ago:

How do you ask your T if s/he loves you?

If you've already had the session I hope it went well! I wanted to reply because I think about this often in my therapy as well.

- The difference to me is that care is voluntary and love is involuntary. I probably define them different than most, but love to me is an involuntary kind of caring, you want whats best for the other person and not for any personal advantage or even reason you can pinpoint. Care on the other hand is when you decide to help someone, it's more like a nurse, he/she is paid and in return cares for sick patients.

- No clue what love from a T looks like, except good therapy? Looks like compassion and listening and them wanting what's best for you?

- Only the good ones.

I know I wrote that. That was with T. Honestly, it helped me knowing how T felt about me. Of course it hurt when she said she doesn't love me, but we talked it through.

I don't understand why this is a bad thing to talk about. We're supposed to be able to talk about anything. I'm sure tomorrow's session isn't about a simple "Do you love me?"

We probably are going to talk about why this is important to me and not just her answer.

I don't the know the story with the therapist that abandoned you. I do wonder if hurting you was incidental, rather than intentional, though. Meaning the goal was not to hurt you - the goal was to separate herself from you, and one of the consequences of that was hurting you. I am definitely not saying it's ok at all. But like you said, words matter to you - so I just wonder what meaning you're attaching to all these words behind the scenes.

I don't think it is a bad thing to talk about. You should talk exactly about what you find useful.

Well, session went really well. I feel almost at peace. She does love me. She said it's more like agape type of love. We talked about the meaning of love for her towards me, how I felt, my fears, how I felt in relation to T, etc. We also yalked about how I feel more connected to her than I do with T. We discussed how she has a different style than T, how she is more attachment based whereas T is more feminist based. And that right now I seem to need more attachment work (dealing with my relationships).

There was a lot more. I'm going to just keep it between L and me. It's special and I don't want to disrespect her.

Oh, I did share the link with her, and she said there's a lot of smart supportive people on here, and that she liked the different points of view.