Am I off-base to be annoyed with T?

I want so opinions on this situation, please.

I have felt like I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown because of work and was telling my fairly new T about it. I have a two hour commute on public transportation each way and then work 11 hour workdays. At work, we don't have assigned desks so it's first-come-first-serve and half the time I don't get one and have to work sitting on a couch or at a counter in the kitchen. The office is kept at 65 degrees and it is miserably cold. I have a chronic blood pressure issue so a few hours into the day I am (no joke) shaking from the cold and my limbs are ice cold. I can't bend my fingers or toes without pain. To keep it fun, there is music playing over the sound system in the office so I spend 11 hours having to work with pop or club music because that is what other employees set up. It's also open-plan so everyone is talking, making phone calls and having meetings right there. I cannot focus with all the noise (due to a neurological issue) and have a chronic headache. As a result, I can't get my work done well and feel stressed because I get poor feedback from supervisors. To top it all off, I have damage to my spinal cord (another medical issue) and fibromyalgia that worsens from my commute so I am in pain all day.

My T's response made me mad He said that I need to practice mindfulness and de-escalate myself when in this situation. Then, he said, "Yes, it's a tough situation and you have a lot going on, but the key to understand that it's not unbearable because you have been bearing it all these months. It's not impossible to tolerate. You can bear this." He proceeded to tell me that I can carry around a full set of clothes to work every day (like sweatpants, sweatshirt, warm hat, woolen socks, gloves) and wear noise-cancelling headphones while listening to my own music. I tried to explain I couldn't carry around that much stuff because of my back and being on crowded public transportation where I am standing in pain for most of the trip. I can't listen to my own music because I can't tolerate music for more than 30 min because of my neurological conditions and it would be even worse if it was blasting straight into my ears. And I have been bearing it for months, but I feel like I am at a breaking point. I cry every morning because I have to go into that environment and can't do well.


What are your perspectives? I feel so mad and honestly feel like not going back to this T because I feel so annoyed. Just him telling me it's not unbearable when I am clearly at the end of my rope made me so angry.

He sounds useless to me. I would interview new ones and get rid of that one

I'd be bothered by his response and definitely by the work environment. Surely you can't be the only one unhappy with it. Do you have the option to work from home at all? And if you have the medical issues (bp and spinal cord in particular), I wonder if you could get a note from your doctor that you need a desk? Have you talked to your boss about how you have trouble working in these conditions? Also, noise-cancelling headphones can help even without having any music playing on them--they can block out some of the noise around you (I've used them on an airplane for that purpose), so maybe give those a try? Do you have any space of your own there where you could stash a cardigan or blanket? And would you consider looking for a different job?


As for your T (which I know was your main question), I do understand his trying to make those suggestions, though I'd be bothered by it some, too. If changing jobs isn't an option (not sure if it is), then it seems the only thing you can do right now is try to make it as bearable as possible. But I imagine you wanted more validation and empathy from him about how much it sucks. I'd still go back, and I'd tell him how what he said made you feel. And what you wanted from him instead. Hopefully you can work it out with him.

That is some rough conditions. We will be moving to a new office that is open space and I was already dreading it and reading your experience just reinforces it. What they did for us was buy everyone noise cancelling head phones. Can you handle listening to a podcast instead of music? Or how about plain ear plugs? I have to keep a jacket at work because it gets cold. I understand you don’t have a space to keep one. Out of all the pieces of clothing can you pick one that would be most beneficial? Does your boss have an office? If so could you keep a couple things in there so you don’t have to carry it everyday? Could you work with EEO to get some accommodations like a dedicated work station so you will always have one?

Sorry I know you were asking about you T but I have been having some issues at work that your situation resonated with me. As for your T I guess try to explain what has been tried and the results. He may not have any good answers the you need to decide if he is useful in other areas or should you move on.

Good luck. I know it can seem impossible.

He sounds like an asshole. I'd drop him ASAP.

But what else can he say?

If you cannot change jobs, you are going to have to find ways to make it work.

Take in extra clothing and find a spot in the office to keep them so you can put them on when you get cold. You won't have to carry them back and forth.

Use the noise cancelling earplugs as you can to block out the noise.

Speak to the person in charge about the need to have at least a firm chair because of your back problems. You are in the United States, so they do have to accommodate your physical disability.

Your therapist can't fix your environment. The only thing he can really do is offer suggestion to you for adapting to the issues that you are facing if you are unwilling or unable to find a different job with more a more conducive environment for you. Sure, he can sympathize with you, but that won't improve your work situation. He's being realistic.

The situation sounds horrible, but I can't honestly see that your T said anything wrong. I think its the fact you're so distressed (understandably) with the situation that you felt his response was kind of inadequate because he's not agreeing with you, but at the end of the day either it's a matter of taking steps to manage it as best you can and then accept what it is(which T was presumably attempting to help you with) or finding a different job. Mindfulness is about bringing awareness to the present moment which also means looking at whether this situation is feasible in the long time. It's looking at the affect it is having on you mentally and physically and being aware of your choices in the moment.

I think most people know the practical in situations like this. I would want the therapist to understand me - not try to give advice or just state the obvious.

I’d be upset with his reaction too, as it’s pretty invalidating. I think it would be different if he had said something along the lines of “I’m so sorry you have to deal with such a difficult work environment, I can understand why it’s taking a toll on you, etc...” and then asked if you would be interested in brainstorming solutions together. I find that I’m not receptive to any of my therapist’s advice if he hasn’t spent enough time validating how I feel.

No, I would not be annoyed at T (what can he do anyway, apart from commiserate with you?!) but I would be mightily annoyed at those work conditions.

It seems he was trying to encourage you ("You can bear this") and help you come up with practical solutions. He can't control your work environment and make it better for you there. He also can't fix any of your medical conditions. I don't see what else he could say or do.

Might be worth asking yourself: under those circumstances, what would you have wanted T to say that you would have found useful?

The best strategy (apart from looking for a new job) would be to talk to your bosses to try to make work conditions better for you. Sounds really rough to have to endure that everyday. And they are the ones potentially able to do something about it.

Therapists don't actually do anything to begin with so all they ever can do is listen, try to understand, and some of them screw that up and seem to think that stating the obvious and giving unwanted and unwarranted useless advice is a thing.

Sounds like solutions and not really much empathy. if you want to keep working with him maybe try telling him what would help.

btw I have noise cancelling headphones and dont even listen to anything just turn them on so it is very quiet white noise that makes the world quieter. But good ones can be costly so idk.

OP, perhaps you could consider looking into musician's earplugs?

Source

You could go into work early to get a proper seat.

To me this kind of advice giving from therapists or anyone else is hostile. This reminds me of an awful experience with a former coworker that I was friendly with. Over brunch and after she spent quite a while complaining about her marital problems, I laid out all the problems I was having at a new job (I was pretty upset and overwhelmed) and she sat there and listened and then said "well it sounds like you're taking things personally." I felt so vulnerable and stupid. And that feeling stayed with me and made me doubt my perspective about what was going on at work. I definitely empathize with how you're feeling, OP. Dump him. Don't give him more chances to make you feel small.

I'd be annoyed too ... he might have meant to be encouraging, but to me this comes across as dismissive and condescending. It's probably worth a tr to let him know that you found his reaction hurtful, just in case he's willing / able to change his approach. Especially if you otherwise get along well.

Also, WTF?? It's not unbearable because you have been bearing it all these months??? That's not only insensitive, but outright fallacious. 'Breaking point' is a thing.

Also, coming up with ways to make it at least a little more bearable a little longer is important (but then just throwing out advice rather than exploring options with you still sounds condescending to me), but not before addressing how disrespectful this company is being to its workers. Those conditions sound difficult even without any special needs due to your medical issues.

that sounds like bad work stuff and I don't think he did a good job here.