New t

A lot of things "come natural". But we're not cavemen. We're trying to be civilized here. I think thats the point the others were trying to make. It may be true, but is it kind? To think less of someone for a physical characteristic? I have a cousin who has a bona fide fast metabolism. She is thin regardless of how much she eats. It doesnt make her a better person.

I kind of agree with you weaver beaver about everybody judging and having a right to judge therapists and make whatever assumptions we want to evaluate their suitability, except I hate the expression "speak my truth."

If you're going to fixate on her weight and if it's going to trigger you, it really doesn't matter why she's fat or if she's a good person - in the context of if she's the right therapist for you personally at this time.

I don't think it is really my job to stay with a therapist just to be kind. We're not talking generally about the public or who we're friends with, etc. We're talking about a level of personal comfort, for whatever reason, with a therapist that we need to have that level of comfort to just feel safe enough to open up with. I completely reserve the right to choose a therapist based on my comfort level with whatever it is I need comfort around.

For some people, they refuse to see a male therapist. So, are we being unkind by judging a man because we feel he will be like all the other men in our life who have hurt us and we are prejudging him because of our personal experience? To adjust your words: Being a man doesn't make him a bad person. Just an example, but bottom line, it helps to have a therapist that you don't have a discomfort with for whatever reason.

If something is going to immediately get in our way, we're the consumer, and we have the right to make choices about where to spend our money. No one is going up to this therapist and saying "I don't like you because you are overweight." They are just silently making a decision (about several problems with this therapist in addition to the weight) to seek out someone different who they can feel more comfortable with.

I had totally forgotten about this until this thread: I very, very briefly saw a therapist (one session) who was a quadriplegic and on a respirator. I had no forewarning that was the case, and it definitely threw me off. I am as enlightened and comfortable as anyone about physical disabilities, probably more than most; I'm married to a man with serious physical handicaps. Normally I don't bat an eye, but I simply wasn't prepared, and in my anxiety simply for seeing a new therapist in the first place, this was just a bit more than I was prepared for. For some reason, it really heightened my anxiety. I didn't return, partially because of the physical issues and partially because I was just so emotionally off-kilter from the session that I just couldn't return -- I didn't even seek a different therapist in that clinic. I never went back. I wasn't being unkind; I was simply dysregulated by the situation unfolding the way it did. If I had said anything cruel or complained to the clinic, sure, that would be unkind, but I made a personal decision that this particularly situation was not going to work for me and moved on.

If you don’t want to see a fat therapist, don’t see a fat therapist. I think what was bothersome is that you didn’t just say that, you made assumptions about her fatness. Like right above, you say she has no control over her eating. But you don’t know that’s why she’s fat. Maybe she’s on meds that cause weight gain, maybe she has a metabolic disorder, maybe she’s fine with her weight, and yes, maybe she eats too much. It’s like it’s not just about fat for you—and that’s the interesting part from a therapy perspective.

But why not just say “I don’t want to see a fat therapist”? We all have deal-breakers for therapists. (Mine include, “Must have read Hamlet.”) Just own it. No shame needed.

I never said being thin makes someone a better person. Likewise, I am not saying that bring fat makes anyone a worse person!

It seems like no matter what I say people pick up on how I say it. Sorry if I am not saying what you want me to say or how you want me to say it or if I am being judgemental but I am being judged and being accused of making assumptions based on the little information I gave.

I also said she left the door open, and several other things I didn’t like about our first session. Does that mean I am making assumptions about how will she be able to keep my confidentiality safe- no, it means I am making a choice based on my experience of the first session with her.

Thank you for articulating the above particularly the last bit. I was not unkind to her and I didn’t complain about her or say anything to her personally about her weight, that’s her own business, so is it her own business why she is that weight.
It did heighten my anxiety and actually so much so that I couldn’t talk about my own eating disorder with her, does that make me unkind or judgemental? I don’t think so, my gut told me not to open up to her because a basic sense of safety wasn’t provided- regardless of her weight.

Body weight and the credibility of psychologists | The Psychologist

Next month? Wow. I mean. Shes a therapist not a psychiatrist right? Its weird of her to see patients that infrequently and I wouldnt think it would be very effective

Here is another interesting article about transference and the therapists image:

Weighing the Possibilities: Transferential Weight Issues in Therapy

I know, right?
My attachment part said hell no.
I can’t trust this gap and no support in between, how can I build an alliance with someone with that long in between our first and second session.
To me it was minimising and judging my needs based on what she interpreted from what I told her. To me that’s pretty unethical since I disclosed I had been referred by my doctor because I was suicidal.
I just didn’t think she was that bothered and was trying to be cool or something by saying “ oh well you have managed with these thoughts for so long now you can manage another month!”

Can I ask why you hate the phrase “speak my truth”?
I am curious

What works for you is fine, WB. I just didn't particularly like being told that everybody judges everyone else. I was raised with an incredibly judgemental mother, and as a result of that and other bad parenting, I try VERY hard not to judge others and make assumptions based on those judgements.

It rubs me the wrong way because it originates in that awful book, I forget the name of it, but it's for people who experienced CSA. I take exception to the idea that saying that somebody sexually abused me is speaking MY truth. The MY part is what bothers me. There is no such thing as a "my truth." There are sometimes different perceptions and different opinions, but then the expression should be "my opinion" or "my perception," not "my truth" as if a "truth" where I was not the victim of CSA can also exist.

But again, I mostly take exception to the phrase because of its origins and to the idea that saying I was sexually abused is speaking my truth instead of speaking THE truth. Reminds me of so-called "alternative facts."

Weaverbeaver, it definitely seems like that T is not the T for you. Have you got other options?

I relate to you and your comments about a therapists weight affecting you

I've actually made a post here about this topic and it got closed!

Really? That does not surprise me as I felt I upset a lot of people talking about it!

I could try another one but I would prefer to go back to my old t! This one will definitely not work out!

I see what you mean. I didn’t realise it was used in that context. I know it from a religious aspect but as I am not religious it doesn’t do any for me in that context either!
I like it because when everyone has their own truth, it might differ from another’s but doesn’t mean either is wrong.
When it used to question another’s version of events then I could say how it would be condescending.