To care or not to care...

I'm in no doubt my T cares.
But what is meant when it's said "he/she doesn't care"?

For me if I don't really care that much about someone, I try to avoid them without being mean or rude.

But what about a T?

Not talking about Ts that are supposed to just take your money that we read about in some posts on here. I mean the average T that means no harm, is, doing their best. How would they fit into the "they don't care" catogery?

What is it exactly in words, you would want them to do that would show they care?

But what about the times someones rembering, abeit unconsciously, younger times when there was no care and they're feeling that in the moment and look for all signs that keep that phantasy alive?

To me, even if a T genuinely didn't care (then there would be multiple signs not just a single action, this is where the work comes into its own.

Instead of running from, you sit and talk and talk and talk

Because on the mind it breeds. We bring it say here and we get all sorts of replies that feed it.
. So what helps you know you're T cares, even when you're in the middle of a feeling that that don't, but somewhere in your mind you do hold onto the knowledge they do?

This is a hard one for me as it is such a unique relationship. I know my T cares. But I also don’t understand how I know that really. I remember a conversation I was having with them, and they asked what my friends thought about the situation. It was a stressful, difficult situation and one that I didn’t want my friends involved with because they care about me and it would cause undue worry when there isn’t an easy solution. I said it was easier talking to them because they don’t care - without even thinking! It wasn’t a statement I was trying to make, it was just me intuitively differentiating our relationships. They quickly and said ‘I care!’ And I apologised and said I know, but it’s different. And i guess I’m interested in hearing other people’s answers on this one because it is care, but not a care that i can understand.

I know my T cares because of her actions and things she says to me. I know that she was proud of me when my book was published, because she told me so. Years ago, she let me borrow her light-box, and she ultimately ended up GIVING it to me. She's brought me little gifts from her various vacations, etc.

I don't always know my T cares, but I've got issues clearly, hence why i'm in therapy and why I think about how he feels as often as I do...

Signs he might not care have included: him forgetting things I've told him, him not responding to a message I send in distress soon enough, his refusing to say how he feels about me, inability to fit me in for an appointment when I'd like to come in, wanting me to pay for appointments in general, being late to my appointment, ending an appointment on time that was started late, not wishing me a happy birthday or a merry Christmas, forgetting my birthday, not checking in with me.

I've felt like my T cares based on my gut mostly, with some signs he might not. (In my mind its more grey than care or not care though, I'm sure there's a range from care a lot to barely cares.) Sometimes, not always, I can be feeling like my T doesn't care and I'll call ******** on myself. Sometimes I am so confused whether it's care or not the ambivalence makes me feel crazy!

Reading the bit about not wishing you happy birthday. Reminded me of the session I had that fell on my birthday. T didn't respond whrn it came up. I thought that a bit odd.
For me I know she cares so I don't or didn't take that as proof she didn't. But found it strange.
Maybe she's been in Therapy herself for birthday phobia 🤷*🤷*

Yeah, that's a hard one. Although I absolutely know that my T cares, it sometimes blows my mind that he actually wants me to pay for my appointments.

One of my favourite vengeance fantasies is about how I will quit therapy and leave behind at least two months worth of unpaid bills. What a good punishment would it be (for what? caring about me?).

The buggy for me with Emdr T is that she is patient with me. I started going to see her strictly for EMDR. She though I was in a different place in regards to handling emotions. Aftee a few times of intense sessions and see how much I disassosicate and struggle emotionally we backed off. Then when T passed she agreed to take me on full time as a client. We have not returned to EMDR yet. When I brought up how nervous I was about going back she agreed that she knew how painful it was for me and was very apprehensive about restarting it yet. She didnt want me to have that much pain. That was over a year ago. She has said things like someday when the time is right EMDR could help with whatever topic we are discussing. Not only what she said but the tone of voice told me she cares about my well being.

I have no doubt my therapist cared, or maybe still does ... how much, and about what, exactly - that's a difficult question.

When she invalidated me, or otherwise hurt me, or got all defensive when confronted - did she not care enough to think through what she's doing? Was she overwhelmed? Was it a punishment for some offense I've given? Did she just randomly **** up? Was it the best choice based on she knew? Was it my fault for not making my needs and feelings clear enough? Is she just plain incompetent? Am I overly sensitive, or missing the obvious, or mixing up needs with wants?

I believe she cared, because every time I presented her with the conscious choice, she always chose to keep working with me, and exploring why and how things kept going wrong. Because even when she failed and got defensive, I sometimes glimpsed the struggle, more of it than she probably intended me to, and we did talk through a lot of hurt in the end. Because she said so outright and I believe her. Because we had moments of genuine connection.

But is it me she cares about? Is it her professional pride? Both? Would she have come to care for the part of me that she was seemingly refusing to see?

i too have contemplated these exact same questions many times during and after therapy with ex-T