Oh! There you are mother.

T often talks and the internalisation aspect of the relationship.
That when you've got enough, you don't have to think about it, it's just there.

Last night thinking about conversations we've had on this, and me trying to think about what's changed in me since being with T. What of me is now there because of 'us', that my adoptive mother shot into my mind. And a bit of her suddenly flashed up as a bit of me.

For all her failings /neurosis/narcissism/abusiveness she had a certain strength about her.

She would never just be the housewife, the little woman that had to obey her man.

Eg, back in the 60s/70s the women of my street would sit on a doorstep and chat to each other.
But one of the women's husbands was a controlling alcoholic. As soon as she saw him staggering home, she'd quickly stand up and say "I better go before he sees me out here"

I always rember my mum saying "pppff I'd never live a life like that beholden to someone"

I'd forgotten that about her and realised that's my attitude in life, I don't jump for anyone.

It's the first time I've recognised any of my adoptive mother in myself.

Possibly a good sign. I'm strong enough now to allow her to be. To let a bit of her exist now.

good for you