I desperately want to know things about T

corbie · Aug 24, 2019 at 04:45 PM

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Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Learning as much about the therapist helps balance out the power in my mind. He knows EVERYTHING about me and I know a crumb about him.

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Originally Posted by Lrad123

Yes! Exactly this! Even though I feel ashamed for snooping, I also feel empowered. It balances things out a bit.

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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Yes, this--I want to balance out the power. It's partly about feeling connected at times. But I think in general, it's more to even out the power imbalance, at least with my current T, because he doesn't disclose much.

This is very interesting to me. Makes sense, though. It had me wondering if this is subconsciously the root of my occasional curiosity as well (I have a massive issue with the power imbalance), but I think not.

I guess for me the power imbalance comes more from the relative importance we have in each other's life - that is, I'm emotionally vulnerable, and a session gone wrong can cause enough pain and anxiety to affect my day-to-day life. Meanwhile, she might spare a thought to it, or maybe a few thoughts if I email about it. Which is fine if I think rationally, it wouldn't do anyone any good if she obsessed about every mistake she made, but it still angers me to no end.

So any inequality in the personal details shared just feels insignificant next to that. Mind you, she doesn't know that much about my life, and mostly not the kind of stuff that can be found on the internet.

Lrad123 · Aug 24, 2019 at 09:22 PM

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Originally Posted by feileacan

I also know that he would not ask me how I figured these things out because he knows I would not tell him (he has tried), so that's my small victory.

Until this week I shared very little with my T about what I discovered about him online. About a year ago I told him about a picture I found of him with his mother and sister. I knew he wanted to know where and how I found it, but he was very good about not asking which I thought was admirable, especially since I didn’t want to discuss it. It somehow came up again unexpectedly this week and he told me that my finding the picture had made him uncomfortable, but that he was also glad I saw it. He also playfully said he thought I enjoyed making him a bit uncomfortable. At first I wasn’t aware of it, but now I think he’s right. Although I generally think of myself as a nice person, I have spent so much time being uncomfortable in his office, that I suppose it felt good to give a little of that discomfort back to him. That was my small victory, I guess.

Omers · Aug 24, 2019 at 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by corbie

This is very interesting to me. Makes sense, though. It had me wondering if this is subconsciously the root of my occasional curiosity as well (I have a massive issue with the power imbalance), but I think not.

I guess for me the power imbalance comes more from the relative importance we have in each other's life - that is, I'm emotionally vulnerable, and a session gone wrong can cause enough pain and anxiety to affect my day-to-day life. Meanwhile, she might spare a thought to it, or maybe a few thoughts if I email about it. Which is fine if I think rationally, it wouldn't do anyone any good if she obsessed about every mistake she made, but it still angers me to no end.

So any inequality in the personal details shared just feels insignificant next to that. Mind you, she doesn't know that much about my life, and mostly not the kind of stuff that can be found on the internet.

My T has shared with me that when we have had a disconnect in session or I have triggered it does bother him between sessions. He has also shared that when I leave a message letting him know I had a difficulty that it affects him and he thinks about it. This week was very hard for me... T triggered me, my job had a bunch of drama and H and I got into a fight. I messaged T with what was going on and how I was doing. He replied letting me know that he was sad and scared by the position I was in.

corbie · Aug 24, 2019 at 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omers

My T has shared with me that when we have had a disconnect in session or I have triggered it does bother him between sessions. He has also shared that when I leave a message letting him know I had a difficulty that it affects him and he thinks about it. This week was very hard for me... T triggered me, my job had a bunch of drama and H and I got into a fight. I messaged T with what was going on and how I was doing. He replied letting me know that he was sad and scared by the position I was in.

Your T sounds cool! The power imbalance is still there, of course, but maybe easier to bear?

Actually, I think it kind of bothered my ex-T as well, but ... it was often difficult to get her to admit that, she tended to get defensive or avoid discussing it. So she had massive power to hurt me (not on purpose, but still), and I ... actually, I had more power to affect her than I realised, though (luckily, yet annoyingly to a part of me) still not nearly as much as she did ... but I think the really problematic part was that I had no reliable way of holding her accountable.

Also, sorry that you had such a difficult week, that sounds like a lot

susannahsays · Aug 25, 2019 at 12:16 AM

I don't feel the need to share with the therapist that I've googled her or browsed her FB. I don't feel guilty. I don't know what the purpose would be of letting her know and it might make her uncomfortable. The idea of someone looking me up on Facebook doesn't make me uncomfortable, but I would personally be uncomfortable if they informed me they had done so. Just seems like a good way to catch someone off guard by saying something that is awkward and is unclear in regards to purpose or expectations about the response. Of course, I'm not a therapist.

Aug 25, 2019 at 03:55 AM

Power imbalance or just professional role?

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 04:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I don't feel the need to share with the therapist that I've googled her or browsed her FB. I don't feel guilty. I don't know what the purpose would be of letting her know and it might make her uncomfortable. The idea of someone looking me up on Facebook doesn't make me uncomfortable, but I would personally be uncomfortable if they informed me they had done so. Just seems like a good way to catch someone off guard by saying something that is awkward and is unclear in regards to purpose or expectations about the response. Of course, I'm not a therapist.

I guess part of my guilt comes when we’re having a conversation and I start to worry that I might accidentally disclose something that I’ve found in an online search that he has never shared with me, and then I start worrying about needing to censor things so he doesn’t find out. For example, what if I accidentally refer to his kids or his daughters? He hasn’t ever told me he has kids or daughters so then it would be obvious that I’ve found out by some means. Maybe I’m overthinking things and maybe it wouldn’t really matter, but that’s where my mind goes.

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 04:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The mouse

Power imbalance or just professional role?

Power imbalance for sure. My T has said he agrees there is a power imbalance and that that’s partly what makes therapy work. I still don’t like it though.

feileacan · Aug 25, 2019 at 05:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I guess part of my guilt comes when we’re having a conversation and I start to worry that I might accidentally disclose something that I’ve found in an online search that he has never shared with me, and then I start worrying about needing to censor things so he doesn’t find out. For example, what if I accidentally refer to his kids or his daughters? He hasn’t ever told me he has kids or daughters so then it would be obvious that I’ve found out by some means. Maybe I’m overthinking things and maybe it wouldn’t really matter, but that’s where my mind goes.

And so what do you think would happen if you would accidentally mention anything about his daughters? What is it that makes you feel guilty about it?

Aug 25, 2019 at 05:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Power imbalance for sure. My T has said he agrees there is a power imbalance and that that’s partly what makes therapy work. I still don’t like it though.

I don't agree with that statement at all.

corbie · Aug 25, 2019 at 05:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The mouse

Power imbalance or just professional role?

Could it be a professional role that comes with an inherent power imbalance?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I guess part of my guilt comes when we’re having a conversation and I start to worry that I might accidentally disclose something that I’ve found in an online search that he has never shared with me, and then I start worrying about needing to censor things so he doesn’t find out. For example, what if I accidentally refer to his kids or his daughters? He hasn’t ever told me he has kids or daughters so then it would be obvious that I’ve found out by some means. Maybe I’m overthinking things and maybe it wouldn’t really matter, but that’s where my mind goes.

Is this something you could discuss with him? Explore why this bothers you so much? Specifically the part about his kids? You told him about your searches and he was understanding, right?

Aug 25, 2019 at 06:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by corbie

Could it be a professional role that comes with an inherent power imbalance?

It could be saud about all professional roles. It's more the degree we give the role power.

It's not there unless we put it there.

corbie · Aug 25, 2019 at 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The mouse

It could be saud about all professional roles. It's more the degree we give the role power.

It's not there unless we put it there.

Maybe if I knew you better then this wouldn't sound precariously close to saying "if you get hurt in therapy, it's your own fault for letting it happen". But I don't, so it does.

First, therapists' 'professional role' includes encouraging you to lower your defenses, even explaining that it's required for therapy to work - to give your therapist more power than you otherwise would. You can disagree with that, but they're the professional sharing their professional expertise, so why would you, unless you have a reason to think you know better, in which case why hire them?

Second, if you can somehow NOT give your therapist power over you, that's good for you, but I, for one, literally failed not to. If I could have prevented ex-T from affecting me to the extent she did, then I'd most likely not need therapy in the first place. And I know that I'm not alone with that.

Aug 25, 2019 at 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by corbie

Maybe if I knew you better then this wouldn't sound precariously close to saying "if you get hurt in therapy, it's your own fault for letting it happen". But I don't, so it does.

First, therapists' 'professional role' includes encouraging you to lower your defenses, even explaining that it's required for therapy to work - to give your therapist more power than you otherwise would. You can disagree with that, but they're the professional sharing their professional expertise, so why would you, unless you have a reason to think you know better, in which case why hire them?

Second, if you can somehow NOT give your therapist power over you, that's good for you, but I, for one, literally failed not to. If I could have prevented ex-T from affecting me to the extent she did, then I'd most likely not need therapy in the first place. And I know that I'm not alone with that.

You're right. If you knew me better eh!

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by corbie

Is this something you could discuss with him? Explore why this bothers you so much? Specifically the part about his kids? You told him about your searches and he was understanding, right?

I brought it up via email immediately after our last session. I said that knowing that he had 2 daughters and a wife (who happens to be a therapist and whose professional webpage I liked) gave him more credibility when I was choosing a therapist. He wrote back saying he understood why that would be. So it’s on the table. I haven’t fully figured out why I liked those things about him. I suppose it made him feel safer?

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feileacan

And so what do you think would happen if you would accidentally mention anything about his daughters? What is it that makes you feel guilty about it?

Well I guess I dislike the idea of my secret searches being accidentally discovered. That’s what would happen if I accidentally let it slip. I’d like to control that information, so it seems like my best option is to just choose to tell him what I’ve found. Even then, I likely won’t tell everything I’ve found out about him.

Salmon77 · Aug 25, 2019 at 09:41 AM

I stopped googling my T for pretty much the same reason. I felt guilty when I did it and like I'd say the wrong thing and he'd know. So I just went in and said "I googled you and found out where you went to college and I feel bad about it," and we talked about that. I think it's totally natural to be curious about your T and look them up, but I hated feeling guilty or like I had to be careful what I said.

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The mouse

I don't agree with that statement at all.

Regarding the power imbalance in therapy, I suppose we could have a whole thread on that. My T and I have been talking about it a bit lately. I don’t typically rely on others in my life too much, so being in the role of relying on my therapist feels like I’m giving him power and that is uncomfortable for me.

Aug 25, 2019 at 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Regarding the power imbalance in therapy, I suppose we could have a whole thread on that. My T and I have been talking about it a bit lately. I don’t typically rely on others in my life too much, so being in the role of relying on my therapist feels like I’m giving him power and that is uncomfortable for me.

Learning to trust does feel very scary. The fear is where the power lies.

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The mouse

Learning to trust does feel very scary. The fear is where the power lies.

Yes, I think that’s it. I’ve been seeing my T for 2 years and consciously I think he’s trustworthy, but on an unconscious level I probably don’t trust him yet. I can’t force it to happen. My T says it can take a loooooong time. I wonder if it’ll ever happen. I wonder if some people can just jump right in and trust.

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Anonymous48807 Guest Posts: n/a	Aug 25, 2019 at 03:55 AM #26 Power imbalance or just professional role?
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