I desperately want to know things about T

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 01:32 PM

I guess part of my worry about sharing what I’ve found in my online searches is that it’ll make him pull away or distance more. He already doesn’t disclose much, so I’m not really dying for him to dial that back even more.

feileacan · Aug 25, 2019 at 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I guess part of my worry about sharing what I’ve found in my online searches is that it’ll make him pull away or distance more. He already doesn’t disclose much, so I’m not really dying for him to dial that back even more.

Wouldn't this be something worth discussing with him?

corbie · Aug 25, 2019 at 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I guess part of my worry about sharing what I’ve found in my online searches is that it’ll make him pull away or distance more. He already doesn’t disclose much, so I’m not really dying for him to dial that back even more.

I wonder if it's really the 'what' that matters, either to him or to you. I don't want to speculate, but I get both a 'want to be more connected' and a 'testing boundaries' vibe from this ... I hope he can help you to explore the issue, seeing that he at least didn't freak out or shut down.

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feileacan

Wouldn't this be something worth discussing with him?

Yeah, I guess so. The therapist part of him has been unflappable about pretty much anything I bring up, but my concern is that the “regular person” behind the therapist facade might be put off by all my snooping. I feel guilty about it all, but honestly, I’m not really ready to stop. Thanks for helping me think this through.

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by corbie

I wonder if it's really the 'what' that matters, either to him or to you. I don't want to speculate, but I get both a 'want to be more connected' and a 'testing boundaries' vibe from this ... I hope he can help you to explore the issue, seeing that he at least didn't freak out or shut down.

I’m not consciously trying to test boundaries, but am open to the idea that maybe that’s partly what’s going on here. He has been so incredibly consistent and unflappable that there must be something I can say or do to make him falter just a little bit. As for wanting to feel connected, it felt wonderful to receive an email from him after our last session emphatically stating that my Google searches haven’t offended him in the least.

feileacan · Aug 25, 2019 at 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Yeah, I guess so. The therapist part of him has been unflappable about pretty much anything I bring up, but my concern is that the “regular person” behind the therapist facade might be put off by all my snooping. I feel guilty about it all, but honestly, I’m not really ready to stop. Thanks for helping me think this through.

But that's the thing. It's not your role to worry about what is happening behind his therapist facade (if he happens to have it). If he is put off then it is something for him to work with either by self-reflection, in his own therapy or in supervision - you have done nothing wrong and it's not your job to avoid him feeling uncomfortable or put off. Feeling uncomfortable is literally one part of the job of being a therapist - people who cannot tolerate being uncomfortable just cannot do this work effectively.

You should talk about it especially because you feel guilt about all this.

BudFox · Aug 25, 2019 at 05:34 PM

I don't see the point of making this into a problem and self-pathologizing. If you reveal personal stuff, and the other person does not, it creates an imbalance that undermines trust and safety, and attempting to right this by finding out more about the secretive therapist is normal. Or, if the process creates some emotional dependency and you feel disconnected in the void between sessions, it would also be normal in my opinion to take steps to ameliorate that. In my experience therapists are too stupid /andor too manipulative to acknowledge how they are provoking people in this regard, so that doesn't help.

nicoleflynn · Aug 25, 2019 at 05:48 PM

It is normal to want to know something about someone....a t.....with whom you share such private thoughts and feelings.

Lrad123 · Aug 25, 2019 at 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BudFox

I don't see the point of making this into a problem and self-pathologizing. If you reveal personal stuff, and the other person does not, it creates an imbalance that undermines trust and safety, and attempting to right this by finding out more about the secretive therapist is normal. Or, if the process creates some emotional dependency and you feel disconnected in the void between sessions, it would also be normal in my opinion to take steps to ameliorate that. In my experience therapists are too stupid /andor too manipulative to acknowledge how they are provoking people in this regard, so that doesn't help.

I agree that it’s normal to want to restore the balance of power in this relationship that is lopsided by nature, and I agree that it doesn’t make sense to pathologize my emotions or reactions to this strange relationship. I do have an interest in understanding my reactions to situations in therapy and how they relate in the bigger picture to my reactions to others in my real life. I’m sorry you have not had good therapy relationships. I’ve only had this one, but he’s been kind, gentle, caring and certainly not manipulative or stupid. I wouldn’t stay if that’s how I perceived him.

BudFox · Aug 25, 2019 at 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I agree that it’s normal to want to restore the balance of power in this relationship that is lopsided by nature, and I agree that it doesn’t make sense to pathologize my emotions or reactions to this strange relationship. I do have an interest in understanding my reactions to situations in therapy and how they relate in the bigger picture to my reactions to others in my real life. I’m sorry you have not had good therapy relationships. I’ve only had this one, but he’s been kind, gentle, caring and certainly not manipulative or stupid. I wouldn’t stay if that’s how I perceived him.

Understood, and I was not aiming that comment at you personally. Seems most people who talk about this assume there is something wrong with them and need therapy to fix it, instead of seeing how the relationship provokes this.

In my opinion, if a therapist has a clue and is honest, first thing they'd do is point out how the unnatural and asymmetrical relationship is bound to cause this kind of response. I have never been to one who acknowledged that nor heard of one who did. They just put it all on the client, either explicitly or implicitly. To me that is either a deliberate manipulation, or cluelessness.

CrimsonBlues · Aug 27, 2019 at 06:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by corbie

Maybe if I knew you better then this wouldn't sound precariously close to saying "if you get hurt in therapy, it's your own fault for letting it happen". But I don't, so it does.

First, therapists' 'professional role' includes encouraging you to lower your defenses, even explaining that it's required for therapy to work - to give your therapist more power than you otherwise would. You can disagree with that, but they're the professional sharing their professional expertise, so why would you, unless you have a reason to think you know better, in which case why hire them?

Second, if you can somehow NOT give your therapist power over you, that's good for you, but I, for one, literally failed not to. If I could have prevented ex-T from affecting me to the extent she did, then I'd most likely not need therapy in the first place. And I know that I'm not alone with that.

Hello corbie-I completely understand this, a therapist having a tremendous affect on you. You are correct, there is a power imbalance in the therapy relationship. You are also correct, you are not the only one who has experienced the effects of this power imbalance. Thank you for your comments! Sending you hugs.

corbie · Aug 27, 2019 at 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I’m not consciously trying to test boundaries, but am open to the idea that maybe that’s partly what’s going on here. He has been so incredibly consistent and unflappable that there must be something I can say or do to make him falter just a little bit. As for wanting to feel connected, it felt wonderful to receive an email from him after our last session emphatically stating that my Google searches haven’t offended him in the least.

Yeah, I get that it's not conscious even if there at all. But trying to interpret subconscious stuff is ... well, one harmful effect of my own therapy was that I grew almost paranoid of my subconscious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues

Hello corbie-I completely understand this, a therapist having a tremendous affect on you. You are correct, there is a power imbalance in the therapy relationship. You are also correct, you are not the only one who has experienced the effects of this power imbalance. Thank you for your comments! Sending you hugs.

Thanks, and hugs back

I very much needed them!

Lrad123 · Aug 28, 2019 at 12:21 PM

I went to my session today and specifically told my T that I didn’t want to talk about the two emails I had sent him this week about online searches, the first expressing guilt and the second explaining my reactions to his response to my first email. I just felt weird about talking about it even though I had brought it up in emails. I’m not sure if we should have talked about it. I’m not sure if it was important or if I should just let it go.

Salmon77 · Aug 28, 2019 at 03:29 PM

If it's bothering you, then it's probably important.

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Lrad123 Poohbah Member Since Nov 2017 Location: United States Posts: 1,332 6 372 hugs given	Aug 25, 2019 at 01:32 PM #41 I guess part of my worry about sharing what I’ve found in my online searches is that it’ll make him pull away or distance more. He already doesn’t disclose much, so I’m not really dying for him to dial that back even more.
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nicoleflynn Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2012 Location: rochester, michigan Posts: 3,111 12 60 hugs given	Aug 25, 2019 at 05:48 PM #48 It is normal to want to know something about someone....a t.....with whom you share such private thoughts and feelings.
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Salmon77 Poohbah Member Since Mar 2014 Location: PNW Posts: 1,394 10 106 hugs given	Aug 28, 2019 at 03:29 PM #54 If it's bothering you, then it's probably important.
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