“I’ll never abandon you” promises

Abandonment is a term those people use themselves. I don't see why there needs to be a holier than thou approach to judging who gets to call themselves abandoned and who does not. Abandonment can take different forms. Therapy deals (according to therapists) with feelings. And they use the term:

"Abandonment
Abandonment is a specific form of malpractice that can occur in the context of a mental health professional’s termination of services. Abandonment, also referred to as ‘premature termination,’ occurs when a social worker is unavailable or precipitously discontinues service to a client who is in need.

In a malpractice case based on abandonment, the client alleges that the therapist was providing treatment and then unilaterally terminated treatment improperly. The client must show that he was directly harmed by the abandonment and that the harm resulted in a compensable injury. The client’s dissatisfaction with the outcome is not sufficient to establish the therapist’s negligence. The client must also show that the termination was not his fault, e.g., that he kept his appointments, complied with treatment recommendations, and paid his bills.[2]

It is critical to be able to establish both the reason for termination and the manner in which it is carried out. After beginning a therapeutic relationship with a client, a social worker must not terminate therapy abruptly without referring the client to another mental health practitioner. If the social worker does not properly terminate the client-therapist relationship, the social worker exposes himself to allegations of abandonment which could lead to a lawsuit, a complaint to the state licensing board, or a request for professional review by the NASW Ethics Committee.[3] Proper termination that has been documented is a defense to abandonment allegations, and it supports good client care."
Termination: Ending the Therapeutic Relationship-Avoiding Abandonment | NASWCANEWS.ORG

"One important area of practice where this fiduciary responsibility very clearly exists is that of termination and abandonment. As emphasized above, clients entrust their well being to their psychotherapist, trusting that the psychotherapist will act with due consideration of the client’s ongoing needs and best interests."
The Ethics of Psychotherapy Termination

Understanding the Pain of Abandonment | Psychology Today

Understanding Fear of Abandonment

Good point that people might define love differently.

Same as people understand abandonment differently. That’s why I think therapists need to define exactly what they mean when they say they will never abandon a client. Does it mean they will never terminate without warning (unless sickness of death) or that they will literally never go away. This lack of clarity just doesn’t make sense to me.

When therapists say it without a good explanation, it only causes problems: therapist retires or has to move out of the area or gets sick or pregnant etc etc and clients fall apart because therapist took liberty with ridiculous “always and never”. Its irresponsible

The point I was getting at is that it's dumb for therapists to assume that clients are aware of the definition they are using for abandonment. It's not as if most clients look up the code of ethics for their therapist's license and are aware of how abandonment is defined. And there is absolutely no reason therapists should assume clients have any awareness that there is a legal concept of abandonment, nor that the abandonment clients are envisioning is limited to instances of malpractice.

Exactly! It’s very irresponsible of therapists to use term “abandonment” without clarification.

Adults with no parents, siblings, relatives or friends can in fact be abandoned when there are literally few if any bonding choices. Adults who were abandoned as infants and never had someone to bond with afterward can be abandoned as well. Abandoned can mean many things depending on life's circumstance.

I had no family. I spent my childhood desperate for a mom. I had a therapist enter my life who said she was now my mom, our relationship was unconditional, and that she loved me as if I were her own child. Three years later I became very ill with bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis, and DID. She sent me to a psychiatric hospital out-of-state. She told my inpatient therapist she permanently wanted no contact with me. That is very much abandonment.

So is dropping your child off at the hospital for surgery and never picking them up.

So is going to a psych hospital and never telling your child where you are going or when you'll be back.

Abandonment comes in all colors and sizes. It's all horrible.

I think we can assume that most people here have experienced painful childhood experiences of neglect, abandonment and abuse. We don't need to compete in the Abandonment Olympics, we all have our wounds.

What confuses me is that people hear, "I will not abandon you" to mean the same as "We will work together forever". On a simple semantic basis, it seems clear to me that these two statements do not mean the same thing. Maybe people's abandonment wounds mean that they don't hear a difference and maybe therapists should always define their terms, but I also think that adults clients have a responsibility to understand the meaning of words. And ask for clarification if they are not clear.

I dare to say that many people don’t comprehend meaning of words or words could have too many meanings for them to decipher, it’s also fair to point that many people are too unwell to figure out what’s going on at the moment. It’s a professional responsibility of a doctor/therapist to make sure that clients/patients are getting info presented to them in detail and correctly. In ideal world we are on top of things at all times. Not the case for everyone and at all times

PS “We will work together forever” makes as little sense to me as “no abandonment” spiel.

... which is why I also said that therapists have a responsibility to define the words they are using.

I agree, I was not defending a therapist making the "work together forever" claim. It is obviously a lie. Avoiding abandonment however is possible, even when the work ends.

They can't. Adults can find food.

That’s odd.. I’ve been on the fence about your T but have kept quiet because I know you already have a lot of opinions being thrown at you. I think your t has been right about some things but I truly feel like you could be better helped by a different T. I feel like the 2 of you will always be in some type of off and on conflict. That’s not healthy. His comment about unconditional love solidifies it about the constant conflict you will have with him. He is a bit cold, standoffish and keeps you at arms length ( with some warm, connecting moments in between). You seem like a warm and loving person. It’s like trying to connect the back of two magnets. You will get close at times but ultimately, your never going to get the full understanding that you deserve. My T was warm and loving.. it was so healing for me. I hope you find that some day.

I've not read all this long thread, but I'm thinking that's what a therapist would say to a patient with borderline personality disorder. Realistically it means as long as they are the patient's therapist, they will be there for the patient. I don't think it's a good idea for a therapist to say that because they can't promise that. What if they die, need to leave the area, have to refer the patient to someone else, etc.? The patient would possibly see that as abandonment, I'd think.

Thanks, Nik. I wrote a long response, but feel it would potentially derail the thread. So I posted it in my thread instead. Read it here and feel free to continue the conversation!

Patients with BPD or other abandonment/attachment issues should not be told that something will never happen. It results in a total mess. It’s almost like these therapists cultivate extreme attachment, then just ambush the person, who is struggling as it is. Don’t know why they don’t cultivate independence instead.

I don't have BPD (multiple T's have confirmed this), but do have a few of the traits. My T now seems to be trying to cultivate independence, but the issue is...I'm already attached. I think he thought his boundaries (which aren't nearly as firm as he may think they are...) would prevent this, but they didn't. He didn't cultivate attachment, but...it happened. Now it feels he's being like, "OK, you need to be more independent." Which is true. But I sort of need him to meet me where I am (attached) and work from there. Rather than jumping ahead to "OK, you need to be more independent now." I need more of a transition. He once told me he wouldn't push me out of the nest before I was ready. Or throw me in the deep end. I asked what if *he* thought I was ready, but I didn't think so. I believe he said it had to be when I was ready. And he has also said that as I become more independent, I won't need him so much anymore, like it would be a natural process. I'm not sure it's quite like that in people with attachment disorders...(anxious/preoccupied attachment here).

Healthy, secure attachments are not a negative and don't need to prevented. It is the insecure attachments that become a problem because of the constant either fear that the attachment figure doesn't mean it or might eventually be gone, or the need for repeated reassurance that the connection exists. I'm not sure that a therapist (or someone who is the object of that kind of attachment) can do much to prevent it happening. It's a bit like those kinds of insecure attachments take on a bit of a life of their own because of the person's propensity for anxiety about relationships. And the fear of abandonment that seems to go along with those insecurities seems to create a hypervigilance about even slight "offenses" that are deemed as abandonment even if that isn't really what is happening. The feelings of abandonment are very real -- there is no doubt about that --, but the actual abandonment may not really be happening.

I don't think they, or many, know how to do that.

In addition, if the therapist has unresolved insecure attachments themselves, leading them to cultivate an attachment for their own security? in the name of "relationship" (consciously or unconsciously)-- that can send things further down the drain.

I feel this may be what happened with my ex-MC...

My T has said that he'd never just suddenly leave if he has a choice. He's also said he'd not abandon me, but to me that always meant and still means that he'll always be in my mind or my heart if I want that, even when I'm alone.
I have BPD and my probably most pronounced symptom is fear of abandonment. This way of seeing his statement has probably been the most healing thing in my therapy so far. I know one day my T won't be around when I need him, but as long as I can remember him, he'll be there anyways.

My T said crap like this and it was a lie, really messed with my already shaky trust in people.

t3 at least says that he doesn't have any current plans for anything.... but he also acknowledges that no one sticks around "forever"