Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

The therapist never told me I attacked her, but she did tell me I could be very mean. She nearly terminated me once for something I said to her. I thought it was sort of useful and somewhat translated into every day life.

I agree on it being a mixed-together process. I know I can't really heal the childhood wounds, so scarring over is a better analogy.

In some ways, I want someone to reparent. Yet I feel becoming hopelessly attached to them. So I feel "OK, T is better, because he doesn't do that." But then he says or does things that hurt me (even if with the best intentions). Again and again. And I wonder if I'm just reopening the wounds repeatedly by staying with him? Such that I can never really heal or scar over?

I keep thinking I need someone like T to push me forward. But here I am tonight, drinking more than I'd intended to (I was doing well with that in the past 7 days, without seeing him). I think I may have gotten more out of my (free) conversation with this person at the bar who recently became an American citizen (from Nicaragua) than I did with T, for whom I pay significantly. (Therapy was not one of the discussion topics--they ranged from our local area to natural disasters to politics.)


Maybe I just need to step away from therapy all together for a bit, I don't know... Like reboot my brain or something...

LT- I think the whole re-parenting therapy thing takes place in Schema therapy. It differs slightly than Psychodynamic. Don’t quote me, but I think that’s what I read when I was seeking out a therapist in the past.

I know this isn't a political thread. But the person I was talking to at the bar said that one of the other people becoming a citizen at the same time had been in the U.S. for like 30 years on a green card from Guyana. She said she was only becoming a citizen so that she could vote in the next election. I imagine she's not the only one?

The current T I have is so different from anyone else I have seen. She remains 100% calm, keeps 100% of her boundaries and still is there for me. I cannot speak enough for clear consistant therapy. Arguing constantly is great if it helps but if you are still stuck then you need to move on. When thing were over with ex T 1 I felt a huge wall of sadness and shame, slowly out of that emerged relief. I was so relieved not to argue with someone I cared about.

Therapy with the second one was not nearly as contentious. And I doubt she ever felt attacked (although once she said I damned her with faint praise) - I saw it more as I simply wanted to make sure I did not over-state the compliment.

I did not strike the first woman first, and I was fairly restrained in my dealings with the first, but she did not get free passes to mock me. Usually mine were in response to a question she had asked me about how I felt about her and I told her. She stopped asking so I stopped telling her. I think she was actually (as opposed to her usual over-acting) surprised the time she asked me if I thought she was kind and I said absolutely not. She seemed to think she was although I have no idea why she had that image of herself. Kind is absolutely not a description I ever would have used for her.

That sounds about right. And I don't even know if that's what I need. I think I just want a T to have more compassion toward me, to show more outward caring, to not interpret things I say or do as being about them, but looking at the bigger picture. Like, "Hm, what's going on with LT that she said/did this? This is probably about something else, not just me." Not "This makes me feel like you're trying to control me" or "This is manipulative."

I agree that she may not be the only one, but that’s all I’ll really say.

I don’t think that is something that is going to change in your therapy with Dr.T, unfortunately.

I don't think scolding someone for not being nice enough is helpful in any way. Better to ask if someone is ok as they seemed a bit down than to tell them they didn't seem "hospitable" enough

I'm grumpy though, she would be lucky not to get a hospitable middle finger tbh.

I think this is what I need, someone who can just be constant and consistent. Who isn't so reactive. In some ways, with T, it's like, "Yes, I need to be able to understand that someone can be frustrated or upset with me and still accept me." But going through that with him is rather exhausting. Where he needs to tell me his every thought about how I'm affecting him. People in real life generally don't do that--right? And I've told him that some of it isn't helpful to me...yet he persists and pushes it on me.

It would be a relief to just be able to go in and talk to a T and not have to worry about any drama between us...

Therapy is not real life.

No, people in real life keep that hidden, and that’s why one never knows why one’s best friend suddenly stopped calling or whatever.

See, just as therapy can be a place of unconditional positive regard, it can also be a place to learn about one’s faults in a “safe” space. Your therapist definitely thinks it’s the latter and can’t seem to change his approach.

Well, T doesn't believe in UPR...shocking, I know! He says it's unrealistic.

Last week, we were actually talking about how I've been surprised by people in the past--(best) friends, exes--who just bailed on me without warning (like, the one ex, we were talking about taking a summer vacation together one day, he broke up with me the next--nothing happened in between that I was aware of). He said it shouldn't be that way, that there should be warning that things aren't going well. That it should never come out of the blue. I understand what he's trying to teach me. And it's an important lesson. But it just feels he's pushing it too hard at times. For example, as a parent, I realize there are times to push certain lessons/rules and times to back off more, teach them another day.

(Artie tiptoes quietly back to the couch and sits tentatively on one end)

hello everybody, just thought I'd pop in briefly. keeping busy with work, school and writing. the online writing course i'm taking is in week 3 (of 6) right now and has been quite therapeutic at times! i have been writing a lot. I hope all are well. I hope to spend some time catching up this week if I get my homework done early. Geology is a fascinating subject and part of our homework is often learning about things like specific earthquakes and stuff using google earth. I'm really enjoying this course too, as well as the writing course. Oh I also started going to drumming circles once a week again. Good stuff there. Well back to studying.

been missing you around here! I'm glad you're enjoying school.

Hi Art, was just thinking about you earlier today. Glad you're doing well!

I am watching my sisters daughter tomorrow and the husband will be the one dropping the baby off. It would be in his best interest to make a very quick exit in the AM after dropping her off.

Time for some bridge trouble!

I won’t say or do anything that could come back to haunt my sister later. He just better not say anything more than a quick hi and just turn his sorry *** around and walk out the door after he hands me the baby.