Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

My latest youtube crush is comedian drew lynch he stutters because of an injury and he has a service dog. Plus he is soooo cute. And on his Dog Vlogs, the dog makes snide remarks and she is hilarious. And she is beautiful. He filmed an episode with cesar millan, i think cesar said she is a weimaraner.

@@, I think he sounds like a nice person who's glad for you and enjoys that you shared your success with him.

I'd just say thanks, and that you are pleased to be there. (If that's true. I assume so since it's voluntary.)

I think it's good you're realized that It doesn't always have to be you doing all the travelling. You don't always have to put in more effort to maintain relationships.

Happy late birthday BCM!

Sitting at my gate at the airport waiting to board.... Still feeling relaxed and a little sore haha after last nights class.

Safe travels, Artie.

Afternoon, Couch. Sometimes I feel like my brain goes for a walk after therapy and leaves my body behind. Although tomorrow's going to be good, because I'll get to see my nephew.

One reason might be that when you travel - people think of it as you are going to visit home - that may not be your take one it, but it would be a take on it. Also - you visit many people when you travel rather than individuals flying out to see you. You, in a manner of speaking, kill many birds with one stone when you fly to see family and friends and they would only be killing one going to where you live. I am not saying you need to keep doing it - only offering one explanation for it.

I get that. I do. I just selfishly wish certain others would make the effort for me once in awhile... I suppose it's the price I pay for living where my soul feels at home. It never felt at home in the Midwest even with all of them there.

On that note, I'll stop whining now.

I prefer the control of me visiting them. I rent a car and am not as much at the mercy of others as I feel when they come visit me. Then I am stuck with them for X amount of time.

Just had a yummy breakfast at Las Vegas airport between flights. Still have like an hour til next flight boards. Back to reading...

Very good point, that.

It's not whining.

I had a really good T session last night. I'm still trying to process it. My head feels foggy and I fear I can't remember it all. She took the suicidal thoughts seriously. We already had an agreement in place that if I were ever to attempt suicide I was to call her first. Last night she upped the ante and said not only do I have to call her first, but we have to meet. I begrudgingly agreed. I was like, you're changing the rules! You didn't say that before! She didn't back down. She said, "I'm saying it now." She also said she would really be impacted (or something like that) if I were to die by suicide. It made me feel close to her. It's the first time I have actually felt cared for by her. I can still feel some of that caring today. And the email I sent to the controller at work telling her of my depression and lack of focus as to why I missed a couple of details lately, she took it really well and told me I am doing a good job and that we can work on fixing a few things together and that she would never judge me for that. It made me feel accepted. No one else at work knows about my depression (except my former boss knows but she retired). I don't feel safe telling any of them, but I felt safe telling the controller. Maybe because she is in NY and I could tell her via email?! Plus I don't have to see her every day and have to answer questions like are you okay? So I am glad I shared that with her. And I am glad I was open with my T and told her how severe the thoughts were. I didn't sugar coat it or minimize it. I was pretty blunt. But I felt like she really stepped up to the plate. Plus I see her next week, so it's not so long between appointments. I'm hoping we can get some more accomplished like last night. And get that trust built up between us. I also found out that if the agency closes at the end of the year, she is going to move to another agency that has two offices locally and she can continue to see me (I assume they take my insurance, I have pretty good insurance for an HMO). So at least I don't feel like at the end of the year, I'm just messed over. I feel a little more hopeful today than I have been. My anxiety is through the roof, but I took some anti-anxiety medication and it has calmed down significantly. I know the anxiety is all work related. Because I didn't feel it until I got to work. I'm hoping I can just relax at work today and not be putting out fires. But we'll see. Thanks for reading this long post anyone who did. HUGS Kit

That's great, Kit. I'm glad your T took you seriously. Hope you don't have to put out fires today. HUGS

I'm glad that she took you seriously and you can follow her when she leaves., but also that the NY controller was so understanding.

Would you consider going up to twice a week when you're really struggling?

Thanks @Lemoncake
I would consider going twice a week if she had room in her schedule for it. I'd have to call and just find out. She has said before if I was truly in crisis she would make time even if it meant a 9:30 PM appointment. I appreciated that. I guess I don't know what "truly in crisis" means. But I think I've been there recently.

@SlumberKitty

You're probably right, Lost. I called my PDOC instead of my T. I thought he would be more of a help (and I've known him longer). Maybe next time (because let's be real there probably will be a next time) I'll call both. It's hard to know when one is in a crisis that one is in a crisis. I get so focused on just surviving that I can't see the crisis that I'm in. One thing that has been really helpful about PC is that other people will step in and say, I'm concerned, or that sounds like a crisis and then it helps me. I'm also trying to build up my IRL support so I have people I can physically call and be like, I'm not okay.

I just had a T session and we decided to go to once a month instead of every two weeks. I would have been a mess over this six months ago but now it seems like a good thing, like I'm making progress.