Couch 204: The Refactorable Couch

Sorry it didn't go well. Hugs... I completely understand your reaction to what she was saying. My T will often talk about things like meditating or exercise or doing art when I'm feeling bad. I said if I was sitting on my couch sobbing, that doing a downward dog (yoga pose) wouldn't really solve that. T said, "Then you'd just be dripping tears onto the floor instead of your lap." Yet he keeps talking about various coping mechanisms. The main one that works for me is reaching out to other people, but he wants me to have stuff I can do completely on my own, that don't involve anyone else. Listening to music helps sometimes, or distracting by, say, watching TV or going to the store, but as I've also said to him, distraction only lasts so long, then the feelings come back. Sometimes I wonder if they really get what it can feel like...

Just heard back from one of the female T's, who also offers phone consultation. Maybe I'll see if I can talk to her tomorrow? Seeing the consulting T, K, in person (she's not someone I could see going to long-term).

I find it interesting that so far I don't feel any sort of guilt for doing this. Like, I'm kind of excited about finding a different therapist. I think that says quite a bit about what has happened in my current relationship with T (who I'd be meeting with right now if I hadn't canceled). I'm just sick of all the conflicts. I don't need T drama on top of what's already going on in my life and in my head...

The place that was Whole Foods before Whole Foods bought it (or maybe even after WF bought it, i cant remember, im SO FREAKIN OLD!) once told me that people complained they put (my favorite) frozen chicken tamales next to the veggie tamales and frozen veg etc. I was like, its frozen!! In a box! In plastic! How are frozen meat cooties gonna break outta there?! And they were like, no, people just find it offensive.

Was it Fresh Fields or something like that? I used to live near one like 18 years ago, then WF bought it. I'm vegetarian (not vegan), but things like that don't bother me. Well, your trigger post might!

One moment at a time.

Wild Oats. At the beginning they were better than whole foods I thought, but sadly they fell behind and then just failed

Not sure what time it is in the US, or if it's already past 2pm -what vibe did you get from him?

Nope you don't have to name Dr.T.

Yep I've been like this before.

When my old best friend used to cook dinner she'd always use a different pan and knife for me

I don't think trying to do what's best for you at this moment should make you feel guilty. Those two parts stand out for me.

I'm glad he handled it well.



What time is your first appointment?

I texted the therapist to let her know I was running a few minutes late because the county water people were blocking my driveway. Doubtless something to do with the hurricane. She texted back "We are closed today, so sorry I forgot to tell you. [Receptionist] took everyone off the schedule for today and I told her I would call you. I'm so sorry."

I texted "ok."

She texted "Please forgive me, I'm so sorry." Then "So you decided to stay" and "I hope your ok."

I felt like ignoring her or texting "Had I evacuated, you would already know because I would have cancelled our appointment." I kind of wish I had. But I texted "I am fine" instead.

I do think she is sorry, but I am still angry. I might have reacted in a different way except I don't know when my next appointment will be. Doesn't seem like escalating things by pitching a fit over text will do anything but stoke my anger and leave me to stew in it for an indeterminate amount of time due to the hurricane.

Still, I'm mad.

I wouldn't be able to work with a T like her either.

I can always work on a nice tirade in the meantime, and even text it to her if I feel I must.

She can be sorry but you're allowed to feel angry.

Ugh, that sucks, Susannah. At least you didn't show up to find she wasn't there...But she should have called.

Had phone consult with potential T--let's call him "M" (his first initial). Was a little awkward because he was in his car. And I was afraid I was too open at the beginning, saying I was working with another T but thought I needed to change because we've had a lot of conflicts (didn't share T's name, he was fine with that). And that I think I need a different therapeutic approach. It's funny because he started with his fees and asked if they were OK, and I had to struggle not to laugh because they're so much cheaper than T's (like $110 for M, $175 for T, though T is giving me reduced rate of $150)--M has a master's, not PhD, and I think has only really been in the regular therapy field a couple years. Was a teacher for some years before that, then I think just art therapist, now regular therapist, too. Was afraid that would scare him off. Apparently he was OK with it all, as we have an intake session on Wednesday.

She needs to address the SUI thoughts and SH feelings first, then try to find the silver linings.

I'm not really sure how helpful therapists are most of the time for chronic severe depression. I'm not saying there might not have been something more helpful she could have offered, but it's hard to think of what. I do think therapy could perhaps be helpful in resolving chronic depression in some cases, but the issue is that addressing the underlying cause will almost certainly make clients feel even worse for a while. And if you're already feeling extremely depressed and struggling with suicidal thoughts, it's not really safe to do all that. Plus, I'm personally skeptical that the average therapist has any idea of how to deal with everything once they've opened Pandora's Box.

So really, they'll probably always come back to suggesting hobbies and activities as coping skills and as ways to pull yourself up. I would probably look more to your psychiatrist for help to get your head above water. I think I read somewhere recently where you said your psychiatrist spends less than 5 minutes with you. That's crazy to me. You are on a lot of meds and you have severe symptoms. Seeing you for 2-3 minutes (I think that's what you said) every few months is completely negligent. The psychiatrists I've seen spend more time than that even when things are going well, let alone when they aren't.

Yes, you're right. My pdoc spends about 2 or 3 minutes with me every 3 months. I need to be very explicit in my descriptions of my depression and sui feelings next time I see him (Nov) so that way he understands things aren't going well. I'm tempted to go off of all my meds to see if I feel any worse without them, but the rational side of me says wait, if you feel this bad on your meds, how much worse will you feel off your meds? I know there probably wasn't much practically that T could do for the depression, but I think if she would have sat there with me and explored it with me, like former T would have done, I would at least have felt heard and maybe understood. It might have bolstered my hope feelings for a while. I might bring that up to T next time that sitting with me through it might be more helpful than bringing up baking as a possible creative activity for me to try.