[corbie]

Today was the first day I could have had a session with her (because she's back from her vacation, 3 weeks after our last session), but didn't. I feel strangely numb about it. I guess even while I miss her terribly, I know that I'm better off without ... and also my father died last weekend, which ... I don't think it has really sunk in yet. I'm more confused than anything right now.

Anyway, this was also the deadline I set myself for starting to contact other Ts I looked up previously, but that's not going to happen just yet. Posting this thread is also something I've been putting off for days, though, so I guess I'll do at least this much.

We had a long and arduous process of breaking up that started as far back as the end of March, which was a little over a year into our second attempt at therapy (yes, it was a complicated relationship). I think I'll save details for later, if I try to go into them right now, I might get lost and never post anything at all

[SlumberKitty]

I'm still trying to move on from former T and it's been nearly a year. I have a new T but it's not the same. I wish you luck in your T search. HUGS Kit

[Rive.]

I'm sorry to read about your father.

Re T: it is okay to take the time you need to decide when to proceed.

[guilloche]

*hugs* Corbie. I'm really sorry to hear about your father.

re: T... I had a falling out with my last T earlier this year that led to us ending it. It was rough and disorienting at first, but like you said about your T, it was something that was probably for the best. It was painful, but holding on to that thought was a little bit of a comfort to me. I hope it gives you something to hold on to too!

[corbie]

Thanks for all the hugs

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I'm still trying to move on from former T and it's been nearly a year. I have a new T but it's not the same. I wish you luck in your T search. HUGS Kit

Sorry to hear that, and thanks!

Originally Posted by Rive.

I'm sorry to read about your father.

Re T: it is okay to take the time you need to decide when to proceed.

Thank you, and yes, true. I feel that I have to keep moving, but perhaps move a little slower than I first wanted to, perhaps even stop and look around every now and then ...

Originally Posted by guilloche

*hugs* Corbie. I'm really sorry to hear about your father.

re: T... I had a falling out with my last T earlier this year that led to us ending it. It was rough and disorienting at first, but like you said about your T, it was something that was probably for the best. It was painful, but holding on to that thought was a little bit of a comfort to me. I hope it gives you something to hold on to too!

Thanks and I'm sorry to hear that Yes, it helps a lot, but then I still find myself looking for reasons / ways to resume therapy with her I take that you didn't look for / find a new T?

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by corbie

Thanks and I'm sorry to hear that Yes, it helps a lot, but then I still find myself looking for reasons / ways to resume therapy with her I take that you didn't look for / find a new T?

Thanks, and nope, I haven't reached out to any other Ts yet. (T ended back in March for me, I think.) But, I've been doing neurofeedback, so using that to replace T, in a way.

It's not perfect, and I probably, honestly, need a new T. (My NF trainer doesn't do talk therapy, so even though he's awesome and incredibly smart, and often gives me really great life advice - I feel like it would be way too much to try to process emotional stuff with him. Not his area of expertise.)

I'm finding it hard because, even though I have a ton of stuff to work on - I've never really had a great therapy experience. And, I've seen a ton of therapists. So, when I go to look for a new one, I just feel... like a heavy, depressed sigh of hopelessness. I have no idea what to do differently, or what to look for, that would make a difference.

My last T was specifically a trauma T. I thought that would help. I thought, for sure, all my T-weirdness would finally make sense, but nope! She said that I wasn't like her other clients, and that I made her feel awkward and afraid to say things (b/c she felt like I was judging her).

So, I'm a little stuck. Not really sure what I'm going to do.

[corbie]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Thanks, and nope, I haven't reached out to any other Ts yet. (T ended back in March for me, I think.) But, I've been doing neurofeedback, so using that to replace T, in a way.

It's not perfect, and I probably, honestly, need a new T. (My NF trainer doesn't do talk therapy, so even though he's awesome and incredibly smart, and often gives me really great life advice - I feel like it would be way too much to try to process emotional stuff with him. Not his area of expertise.)

I'm finding it hard because, even though I have a ton of stuff to work on - I've never really had a great therapy experience. And, I've seen a ton of therapists. So, when I go to look for a new one, I just feel... like a heavy, depressed sigh of hopelessness. I have no idea what to do differently, or what to look for, that would make a difference.

I hope NF works out for you, but yeah, from what I read it's unlikely to be a sufficient replacement for what talk therapy is supposed to be. Emphasis on supposed, because yeah, I didn't have great experiences either. This T was by far the best of those I got to work with for long enough to get to know her, but ... I think somehow we ended up bringing out each other's weaknesses, rather than make use of each other's strengths

I think I've learnt things from this experience, although I'm still trying to figure out what some of those things are, exactly And the obvious person to discuss this with would be her

Originally Posted by guilloche

My last T was specifically a trauma T. I thought that would help. I thought, for sure, all my T-weirdness would finally make sense, but nope! She said that I wasn't like her other clients, and that I made her feel awkward and afraid to say things (b/c she felt like I was judging her).

So, I'm a little stuck. Not really sure what I'm going to do.

Shoot, that's one of the directions I was thinking of moving - finding someone who specialises in trauma / SA / CSA stuff. Clearly, I should tone down my expectations / hopes.

Funnily enough, I didn't even choose this T, we just kind of got stuck with each other, although it felt like I could/would have chosen her anyway. We met in an institution (one of the few options supported by our NHS-equivalent) that uses an assortment of group therapies and consultations with our individual therapists mostly just serve to oversee / guide the process, and it's the therapists that pick the patients they think they can work with, so I didn't get to choose ... and she replaced the therapist I started with after a couple of months, so she didn't chose me either.

Also, lol, my T also said she was struggling with me in ways she usually doesn't

I'm torn between being grateful for her sticking with me through all these difficulties, and being mad at her for not recognising / admitting that she might be out of her depth.

[guilloche]

Thanks for the good thoughts re: NF. I've had some good results, here and there, but nothing consistent. It's sort of been a little crazy and frustrating for me. I wish it were more... well-understood, I guess?

It's weird, b/c my NF guy has told me that my brain doesn't react the way he expects, it doesn't seem to react like a typical, normal brain. Which is fine (he also says, "weird is normal when it comes to brains") - but given my problems with therapy too, I feel very... weird, I guess.

Also, lol, my T also said she was struggling with me in ways she usually doesn't

That's actually super interesting to me. I feel like there's a small group of us like this, and I wish I knew what we have in common, what makes us so difficult for therapists to understand and help.

My therapist said that I made her feel "awkward" and "not herself" - I didn't know what to do with that. I wasn't trying to be difficult. It's like therapist are all set up and ready for someone who is... well, not me!

In my case (re: her being a trauma therapist) - it was interesting, because she said that usually by the time people see her, they're so HAPPY to have someone listen, that they are just bursting and ready to dive into talking about their trauma.

That's... very much not me, at all. I'm very self-protective, and going anywhere near that stuff tends to destabilize me. It takes a LOT before I trust anyone enough to really even get close to that, and Ts seem so impatient - they want to dive in, and it just freaks me out and makes me not trust them (I think... still trying to figure it out.)

I don't get it though. I feel like my response isn't that far outside of the norm!

I think somehow we ended up bringing out each other's weaknesses, rather than make use of each other's strengths

I get this! It's so frustrating though, isn't it?!? As the professional, I kind of expect more from Ts... certainly more than, "I'm scared to say things to you, because I think you're judging me!"

I think I expect that a good, healthy T will have some inner sense of stability, and that something like... me not opening up right away and not trusting them easily, won't throw them into such a tailspin.

But, it does! Or it seems to? I've had another T start crying (telling me that she knows she's a good T) and one before that who said "you must think I'm a schmuck") - who seemed to think I didn't like him (I liked him OK, but I wasn't yet up to trusting him, and was freaked out by even being in therapy!)

I think I've learnt things from this experience, although I'm still trying to figure out what some of those things are, exactly And the obvious person to discuss this with would be her

Yeah, that's the catch, right?! When/if you feel up to sharing, I'd love to hear more! I'm trying to figure it all out too!

Shoot, that's one of the directions I was thinking of moving - finding someone who specialises in trauma / SA / CSA stuff. Clearly, I should tone down my expectations / hopes.

Hmm... I don't know. I mean, I don't want my one bad experience (I've only seen one T that was clearly a trauma-oriented T) to put you off!

I've seen other people say that getting a T who is trained/focuses on trauma was a huge help. That's what I was hoping for with this last T, but... eh.

and she replaced the therapist I started with after a couple of months, so she didn't chose me either.

Oh wow! Interesting... as I read through that, I thought the point was going to be that she chose you, but still ended up being not helpful! Ugh, I'm sorry that all worked out the way it did. It actually sounds kind of stressful (having your therapist choose you)!

And, ugh... I'm re-reading your initial post, and really sorry that the breakup process was so long and painful. With mine, I had seen her for over a year and we had discussed the issues we were having (but honestly, I thought we were past them!) - but when she started to talk about "setting goals, and if you don't meet them, I'll refer you out" - I just quit right then. I had one of those moments where I felt like I could see the future based on everything we'd gone through so far, and I didn't want to spend months feeling rotten trying to make it work, when it clearly wasn't.

I'm torn between being grateful for her sticking with me through all these difficulties, and being mad at her for not recognising / admitting that she might be out of her depth.

Yeah, it's hard, isn't it? I hate that sense of "grey" too - where there's some sense of good things to be grateful for, but also that sense of being hurt, especially if it was handled badly. I'm really sorry that you had to go through this!

[nottrustin]

Quote:

Also, lol, my T also said she was struggling with me in ways she usually doesn't

That's actually super interesting to me. I feel like there's a small group of us like this, and I wish I knew what we have in common, what makes us so difficult for therapists to understand and help.

My therapist said that I made her feel "awkward" and "not herself" - I didn't know what to do with that. I wasn't trying to be difficult. It's like therapist are all set up and ready for someone who is... well, not me! --

I think in some cases our history is not the norm. There are aspects of my life that is unlike their typical clients. Some of our inner workings and issues are unlike their "normal" client.

[guilloche]

Thanks Nottrustin. You're probably right. It just... I don't feel that far of what I thought normal would be. It's very confusing!

Corbie... hope you're doing OK today!

[tomatenoir]

Originally Posted by corbie

Today was the first day I could have had a session with her (because she's back from her vacation, 3 weeks after our last session), but didn't. I feel strangely numb about it. I guess even while I miss her terribly, I know that I'm better off without ... and also my father died last weekend, which ... I don't think it has really sunk in yet. I'm more confused than anything right now.

Anyway, this was also the deadline I set myself for starting to contact other Ts I looked up previously, but that's not going to happen just yet. Posting this thread is also something I've been putting off for days, though, so I guess I'll do at least this much.

We had a long and arduous process of breaking up that started as far back as the end of March, which was a little over a year into our second attempt at therapy (yes, it was a complicated relationship). I think I'll save details for later, if I try to go into them right now, I might get lost and never post anything at all

I'm sorry to hear about losing your T and your dad. I think that, at least in regards to your T, it can be useful to just feel/not feel rather than immediately look at how to move on or get another T. It sounds like your body and emotions still need to process everything, especially if you say you feel numb. You don't need to hurry those emotions to get in line with what you intellectually know. You can give them time to catch up.

You can also look for things other than therapy. Therapy can certainly be useful, but I don't think it's the only way to help yourself. X

It took me nearly a year to get over the falling out I had with my T. I spent about two months incredibly upset, then took about eight months doing things so that I could take what was good from the relationship and strip out the negative. Time helped too.

I now actually feel a bit sorry for him -- he missed out on watching me succeed in so many ways this year, all because he decided to check out when **** got real. His loss.

[corbie]

Ugh, sorry, I made attempts to respond in detail, but so exhausted for some reason that I have trouble putting two coherent thoughts together. Probably a combination of not sleeping well and a resistance against dealing with any of this.

@guilloche Your NF guy sounds great, even if the method itself is somewhat difficult to make sense of! I shouldn't laugh at your experiences w Ts, but, OMG

I'll be happy to share details / compare experiences eventually, as this is very interesting to me as well, I just need to get my brain to cooperate!

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Quote:

Also, lol, my T also said she was struggling with me in ways she usually doesn't

That's actually super interesting to me. I feel like there's a small group of us like this, and I wish I knew what we have in common, what makes us so difficult for therapists to understand and help.

My therapist said that I made her feel "awkward" and "not herself" - I didn't know what to do with that. I wasn't trying to be difficult. It's like therapist are all set up and ready for someone who is... well, not me! --

I think in some cases our history is not the norm. There are aspects of my life that is unlike their typical clients. Some of our inner workings and issues are unlike their "normal" client.

Could be, although in my case, I don't see anything so far out of ordinary in my history. But then, it could be a peculiar combination of several small things, who knows

Originally Posted by tomatenoir

I'm sorry to hear about losing your T and your dad. I think that, at least in regards to your T, it can be useful to just feel/not feel rather than immediately look at how to move on or get another T. It sounds like your body and emotions still need to process everything, especially if you say you feel numb. You don't need to hurry those emotions to get in line with what you intellectually know. You can give them time to catch up.

You can also look for things other than therapy. Therapy can certainly be useful, but I don't think it's the only way to help yourself. X

It took me nearly a year to get over the falling out I had with my T. I spent about two months incredibly upset, then took about eight months doing things so that I could take what was good from the relationship and strip out the negative. Time helped too.

I now actually feel a bit sorry for him -- he missed out on watching me succeed in so many ways this year, all because he decided to check out when **** got real. His loss.

Sounds like it! Thanks for sharing your experience, and I'm glad you managed to have successes despite the massive setback. And yeah, time is likely to help, I just want to keep myself from sinking deep into depression - I fought way too hard for whatever little I've achieved, and it's threatening to fall apart any moment, and ... not sure what will happen if/when it does.

Mind you, wanting to give up is the one thing I can almost-wholeheartedly agree with myself on (something that really bothered ex-T, understandably), but ... not doing it just yet.

[guilloche]

Ugh, sorry, I made attempts to respond in detail, but so exhausted for some reason that I have trouble putting two coherent thoughts together. Probably a combination of not sleeping well and a resistance against dealing with any of this.

*hugs*. Hope you're able to get some rest...

Yeah, my NF guy is pretty cool. But... I have this bad feeling that he may not know what else to do with me. I think I actually need to message him for some direction, b/c I'm still struggling with a lot of depression with the latest protocol. It sucks. I feel so lost with all of it, and I really, really wish I had someone awesome and local to see. Long-distance NF is... *sigh*... hard!

And yup, just let me know if you ever feel like comparing notes or chatting about the therapy thing. No pressure or rush.

I'm actually... ugh, dare I say, sort of thinking about reaching out to someone locally, b/c things here have been rough. I'm thinking of specifically limiting what I want to work on (present-day stuff! Not trauma/family stuff!). It *could* work, right? Maybe? It's just hard to keep trying, when it's been so hugely disappointing so far!

[corbie]

Oh, so it's long distance! Do you mean finding local NF, or local any-sort-of therapist-as-long-as-it-works? Sounds like the latter. I think it's worth a try. Some Ts might not like that, but hopefully if you're upfront about not wanting to delve into that stuff, that should help to filter those Ts out, dunno. I also find it difficult to decide what to even look for in a potential new therapist. I feel like I want to go for that closeness/acceptance that for a while seemed like might happen with ex-T, and is very hard to let go of. But maybe I should go for someone I'm not even tempted to get close to? Or?

Anyway, dealing w my father's death now takes precedence right now. I'm still exhausted all the time, getting worse in fact.

OFF You'd think scattering someone's ashes in the wood is the simplest thing in the world. Well, not if some of the participants are old and frail. Finding a spot that's 1) easily approachable, in terms of distance from roads and terrain/vegetation 2) remarkable enough to easily remember and find even years later 3) NOT convenient/frequented enough for people to scatter rubbish and/or relieve themselves there was not easy, but I think we found a few acceptable ones already. /OFF

BTW ex-T suggested looking into non-verbal therapies (one of our difficulties was that I often had trouble verbalising my feelings / problems, which she thought is because it goes back to some pre-verbal trauma ... and it might, although I feel it's at least partly a trust/safety/shame issue ... but then I was kind of weird even in kindergarten).

I had movement/dance therapy in that therapy place, which I quite liked, and psychodrama was very effective, but then the first seemed very limited in effect and the latter brought up a lot of very intense feelings that I then didn't know what to do with, so I don't see either one working without also having individual therapy.

NF sounds intriguing, but ... dunno, as you say, it's difficult to understand how it works, and just as medication never did anything useful for me, I fear that NF wouldn't either.