I feel too much

I don't really know what I'm trying to get out of posting this. I guess I feel the need to vent. Apologies in advance for the length, as it will probably be quite long.

A few weeks ago, my T went on holiday for a couple of weeks and I struggled to deal with his absence. I didn't exactly feel abandoned, but the break in a routine I came to find extremely grounding got to me. The break also made me realize a few things. Therapy has come to be an anchor. It's the thing that keeps me afloat. Lately, I've been feeling as though my life is slowly falling apart. It's like a strong feeling with blurry edges, so much so that all of my anxieties are melting into one another until I no longer know why I'm feeling so fragile and hurt and pathetic.

I've spoken so much about all of these anxieties with my T, that I now feel like I am beginning to waste his time. I keep thinking that he must wonder why, after two years of therapy, I still go back to the same grievances. I'm embarrassed to tell him that I've had another week of debilitating health anxiety, or that I've chosen yet again to stay at home instead of going out with my friends. I'm embarrassed to tell him how much therapy means to me. He's been nothing but warm, supportive and welcoming of any messy feeling and yet here I am, terrified of letting him in deeper, lest he should finally realize how ****ed up I really am.

I think that, because he matters so much to me and because I look up to him, I want his opinion of me to be a good one. So I've been struggling a little with being vulnerable, out of fear that he will think badly of me. But I want to break the walls and let him in because I trust him. I trust him so much it hurts. And it hurts me that I'm being like this.

Sometimes I feel like the more progress I make in therapy, the more unhappy I become. I make an effort to focus on my friends, my career, my dating, etc. And I do. I can't say that therapy is the only thing in my life. But it still is the most meaningful to me. This relationship that I seem to have with this man, is the most real thing I've ever had. Or rather, I'm most real when I am there. Is that wrong? I don't know. It's definitely somewhat uncomfortable. He has allowed me to see myself. Or rather, he has enabled me to look my flaws in the face and deal with them. I know that the first part of therapy is to be able to recognize what the problems are. No issues there, I see them quite clearly. The second part of therapy is working through them, whilst also accepting that sometimes there are limits to what therapy can actually do. I'm also ok with that. What I'm struggling with, is the third part of therapy, which I guess focuses on acceptance. You have to accept yourself, flaws and all, to move on and "become a person". I don't know why I seem to be so scared of this step. Scared almost that once i "accept" myself, he (and the rest of the world) will finally understand how messed up I really am.

I just don't understand why I'm feeling like this. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to die without having done anything with my life. I'm in my twenties, but I just feel like I'm running out of time to make things better and I feel hopeless. I don't mean this in terms of suicidal ideation. I don't want to die. I just feel like something really bad is going to happen and I can't shake off the feeling of doom that seems to encroach on every single thing that I do. I feel it even as I'm writing this.

Anyway, maybe this is just a step in the therapeutic process. Like an obstacle. You lose sight of yourself for a while before the healing happens and things fall back into place. Maybe it won't always feel so destabilizing.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed to rant.

I may write more details later, but just wanted to say that I completely understand this and have felt similarly in many ways. Hugs...

Not to diminish what you're feeling. But I'd say this is just normal stuff that comes up in therapy.

I can also relate. It sounds to me as if you're about to really delve into the deeper, more difficult stuff with T and that's why you're feeling so much fear and resistance. It's normal for people to spend a long time dealing with the more surface level stuff (which is also important and can be really helpful) before doing deeper, and actually some people probably never do. Acceptance means facing who you are as a person head on, flaws and all, plus finally letting go of what can't be and never will be, maybe what never could be. It's about change and as we all know, change is usually the most painful thing in the world, especially for people with emotional difficulties.

Your T sounds great. Try to open up and tell him how much therapy means. I'm sure he will get it. My T does. She has said several times that the therapy relationship is an emotionally intimate one and can be incredibly important in one's life. I've told her how much I long to be with her all the time and she's okay with that too. I think sometimes these things need to be said, it's all part of being deeply honest about where we are at. A good T who can work with you at that level will completely get it and even feel honoured that they are part of your journey. It sounds like you've come so far in processing a lot of stuff already so hang in there, you can go deeper into who you are and it can be okay!

Maybe you have a fear of getting better because you see it as meaning you would lose the relationship with your therapist, which as you say, feels like the most meaningful thing in your life. So you choose to stay home instead of going out with friends and perhaps don't utilize all your coping skills because if you know you've had a debilitating week of symptoms, it means the relationship is safe, in a certain way. Maybe that's also why the more progress you make in therapy, the unhappier you feel.

Just speculation and theories based on things I've read.

Thank you for this. I think you’re right and it does have something to do with not wanting to lose the relationship. Sort of like self sabotaging in an attempt to slow everything down, to have it for longer. I don’t know.