Therapist responses

I don't know if this belongs here or on the main board.

Can we discuss what your therapist's response to your feelings are?

I have been extremely honest with my T about all of my feelings. Some of them are romantic, but mostly it is a very strong desire to be cared for. I've told him so many times that I've lost count!

He's really supportive. He reminds me that it's ok to feel those things. He reminds me that I haven't done anything wrong and he always checks to make sure I don't feel shame about it.

I'm still restless though. I don't know what else I'm looking for. Perhaps a rejection. He is very careful to not respond to my feelings when they are about him. Sometimes I can't tell if he missed it or if he is doing it on purpose.

For example (this is a real convo, I just took a few details out):

Me: I really missed you this weekend. My weekend was boring, how was yours. I think I am still upset about what we were talking about last week.

Him: Busy, busy. What we were talking about last week was really big, it may take a long time for you to resolve it.

Me: I'm saying I'm doing that thing again where I want you to comfort me, but I know you can't.

Him: It's normal to want comfort for that. It was a really tough experience. How are things going with this other thing?

Me: I'm saying I want to talk about it more. I don't feel like it's resolved.

Him: Oh, ok, what part isn't resolved. Where do we need to focus?

Me: I feel alone about it. I feel like no one can comfort me.

Him: I wonder if that's how you felt when it happened to.

Me: Yeah, but I feel that way now.

Him: It's ok to feel that way.

Me: (in my head) Ok giving up on that one for today...

He really skirts any direct information. I'd almost rather see him shut it down and tell me there is a boundary here. That way I know he understands what I want, but isn't responding because there is a reason (and he should tell me that reason). I'd be really happy if he said, "I know you want me to say this thing to you, but I can't because if I do that it will hurt you in the long run."

Any advice? How does your therapist respond when you talk to them directly about your feelings toward them?

Me: What is the point of that insulting normalization technique?
Therapist "Nothing I say is magic. I am just here with you"
Me: (my brain about to explode at the non-sequiturness of her response) "That is not a response"
Therapist: I am not the enemy
Me: (brain explodes)

Info: You’ve grown a lot in your time with me.
ATAT: How have I grown? Give me an example.
Info: Well...you came to see me and you keep coming, despite all these negative experiences with therapists.
ATAT: That isn’t growth. That’s the definition of insanity.
Info: ....

Exchange between me and a therapist I had only seen for about 2-3 months

Therapist "Next week?"
Me "No, I am not coming back"
Therapist "You can't just quit"
Me "Watch me" - walked out and never went back

In the spirit of the other responses...

-On me coming to therapy

Therapist: Well you keep coming here, so I guess you trust me. [I did not say this]

Therapist: Well you keep coming here, so I guess you must feel like I care about you. [I did not say this]

- On evasion

Me: You ignored a direct, yes or no question.
Therapist: I didn't ignore you. I chose not to respond.

No. My T responds so intimately that it scares me for a, moment. She is the one that nails me in a feeling and wants to discuss it.

Therapist: "Does it not make sense that due to your extensive trauma history you would feel this way?"

His response to everything.

OP, maybe it's because you're not writing exactly what's being said, but I can't tell what it is you want your therapist to say from what you wrote. Maybe he doesn't either. I get a vague impression that you are asking for him to comfort you, but you also say you know he can't do that. And what would this theoretical comforting look like, anyway? I think you are actually being pretty indirect yourself here, so it's not surprising that his response isn't as specific as you'd like.

I wouldn't find his response that it is ok to feel that way very helpful. It doesn't seem like you are ok with feeling like nobody can comfort you, so telling you it is ok is just annoying. It might be ok with him, but it's not ok with you.

Some of these responses are great. Maybe there should be a thread dedicated to short snippets of therapy convo. Or annoying stuff T's say.

I might not be directly be asking him for comfort, but that's because I know he can't give it. I did ask directly in the past, or more like "why can't you" and he said "I can't do that through a computer." I asked if he would in person and he never answered. I had something else come up and didn't pressure him to answer.

My T will ask what I need or what would help me feel comforted, what would help me feel less alone. Sometimes he can do what I ask, sometimes he can come up with a symbolic way to do it and sometimes we just have to sit with it.

I loved the idea of this thread - unfortunately cannot contribute with stories as my therapy experiences were too long ago (>2 years) and I would not want to provide distorted memories. But OP and several other posters' experience very strongly remind me and validate a main reason I concluded, in the end, why I quit therapy altogether. Their responses were more often than not so very contrived, manipulated, nothing like normal people have in normal interpersonal relations. I can never figure out whether they very consciously manipulated per se or they are mostly just momentary reactions, based on known client expectations, plus lots of tactics Ts learn in training etc. In any case, this thread vividly reminds me of why I decided, in the end, that therapy was not for me. I don't wan't to have these twisted, thrown-back, shape-shifting interactions in my life, not even with people that truly matter to me - let alone paying for it.

Please keep in mind that I am only speaking for my perceptions and my experiences.

A funny one we both laughed at

I was saying my brother had to actually BE a brother to me and DO things , he couldnt just say " I'm your brother and that's enough "

I can't remember what my T said but I said " that's like saying I'm your therapist and that's enough "

I'm like " Well , you have to DO something... What am I paying you for?!! "

I don't quite get it...a therapist can comfort a client if the therapist wants to. I mean, I guess it depends upon how the client defines "comfort", but I can think of a number of ethical ways that a T can help their client to feel safe, accepted, and even loved.

I wonder if people who have experienced genuine and emotionally intimate exchanges with their therapists are less inclined to post them here. I can think of many examples of really lovely things my current and my former Ts said to me but I wouldn't want to share them through my own choice. Not that I think any less of anyone for sharing, it's just a thought.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart I wonder if people who have experienced genuine and emotionally intimate exchanges with their therapists are less inclined to post them here. I can think of many examples of really lovely things my current and my former Ts said to me but I wouldn't want to share them through my own choice. Not that I think any less of anyone for sharing, it's just a thought.

I wonder that, too.

I never felt safe or accepted by the woman I hired but I didn't really hire her for thost things. She never said anything I would consider to be lovely and we absolutely never had an emotionally intimate exchange. Mostly she said things that were completely irrelevant or so obvious as to be insulting. I finally got her to just stop talking - which were the times it was not completely awful.
Even when my person was sick and dying and therapy was not as completely un-useful as it usually was for me, the woman didn't say anything that was comforting or warm or anything like that.

I don't think of therapy and comfort going together (I know some people do and I do not dispute their experience) - I do not see, for me, how a therapist could have been comforting. They would not know how.

I'm sorry but this made me LOL. I only wish I was this decisive. I remember one therapist who started to nod off (eyelids drooping) during a session. I immediately confronted her on it and she gave me some bs excuse. I felt so angry and pathetic and I still went back for a few more sessions before quitting. She talked me into a free close out session where she basically was in panic mode and was rapid-fire throwing "insights" at me to get me to change my mind. It felt like the purpose of the session was for me to comfort her about my leaving. smh

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverTongued I'm sorry but this made me LOL. I only wish I was this decisive. I remember one therapist who started to nod off (eyelids drooping) during a session. I immediately confronted her on it and she gave me some bs excuse. I felt so angry and pathetic and I still went back for a few more sessions before quitting. She talked me into a free close out session where she basically was in panic mode and was rapid-fire throwing "insights" at me to get me to change my mind. It felt like the purpose of the session was for me to comfort her about my leaving. smh

That's horrible.

I know we do. I have an awesome T (even if I am pissed at him right now for blowing yesterday’s session) and I don’t feel like it is safe for me or for him to fully disclose on here everything he does. That’s not to say anything from therapy is secret, there are several people IRL who know these things but know a more full context too.

What feels unsafe about describing what he does?