Needing input

I haven’t been feeling “right” mentally/emotionally for about 3 weeks now. I feel like I am dangling over the edge of a breakdown. I am not Sui. Where I live the ER only regulates meds for extreme cases and deals with Sui. If you are not addicted, super manic, actively psychotic or Sui they tell you to find a T. I have talked to T about this but not in a way he seems to be understanding even though I know we are both trying. I wanted to talk about it last session and he misinterpreted my communication attempts... long story short I triggered badly and to use his word “wigged out” on him over the next 24hrs. He was short with me in our last communication which is totally unlike him but I can totally see where he could be quite tired of this by now and just needing a break. Pdoc believes it is not a meds issue but something to be addressed with T. I am highly volatile which isn’t like me and can’t stop crying when nothing is wrong. T wants me to learn more grounding techniques. I went through CBT and am using them so I am doubtful. I am also trying to do self care as my anxiety allows.
I don’t know where to turn. Should I call T and see if he can fit me in? H has offered to take me to the ER but agrees they are not likely to do anything. I have not lost interest in the things I enjoy and when I have the energy I am very motivated to be cleaning and reorganizing my house so I don’t think it is depression. Pdoc says this is not how depression usually looks with me. Do I just cry it out until Monday? Is it possible that I AM using the grounding stuff and am not as dissociative as I usually am and am having to deal with reality?

Fortunately for me, T has never offered grounding techniques or self care strategys. Has always managed to contain my feelings until I can.
Sometimes all we want is to vent!
Not to think it away, or fool it away.

Yeah, I understand. My ER isn't very helpful at times either, even when I am presenting as SUI. I guess unless I say I'm going to do this right now, they don't give a crud and send me home anyway. I think calling T to see if he can fit you in is good. Then you can talk over your concerns with him. Even though this is not how depression normally presents with you, not having doing things you enjoy, crying a lot, those are symptoms of depression. Maybe it's a mixed episode or something? IDK, I'm not a doctor, just an interested, caring about you, lay person. IDK if it is just that you are not dissociating as much and having to deal with reality. I dissociate a lot too and when I'm not it can be really different. I think your T should be able to help you sort this out. HUGS Kit

Hi Omers,
sorry to hear that you're in the pits at the moment...

I've just had sth similar happening, have been feeling emotionally extremely instable for weeks. I might have turned a corner (I hope, keeping fingers crossed) - things have been starting to light up for the last few days, which is much appreciated by me.

Some thoughts that are crossing my mind and that might be worth looking at:

- did you change your meds recently (like the last 4 or 6 weeks)? Med changes and/or tapering tend to throw me really off balance, like volatile mood swings, massive urges to self-harm, sui thoughts and images that are disturbingly graphic in nature...

- I haven't got a clue whether you're female or not, also I don't know whether this applies to you agewise: Could menopause be a factor? If so, phytohormones could bring some relief, albeit not instantly, but longer term. Better check w/ your doctors with regard to interactions with your other meds as well.

- I recently had undetected high blood pressure (which wouldn't come down again, which it used to do all the years before). And it propelled me into a real emotional roller coaster (in the worst sense). Weepy, suicidal, hopeless, desperate... When medication for blood pressure kicked in, things started to get better almost instantly. My GP (who specializes in psychosomatics) said later, that at some point you have this chicken/egg thing with high blood pressure. Which can be a symptom when you're afraid or in panic. So when the blood pressure is on constant high, our subconscious picks up on this, and reports "panic-alarm" to the more conscious regions of the brain, and body and brain might exarcabate each other's state, some sort of vicious cycle...

- if you're prone to thyroid issues you might want to get your thyroid leves checked.

So, basically, what I'm trying to say: Sometimes there are can be real somatic reasons for emotional imbalances, or they might contribute the decisive straw that breaks the camel's back. Might be worth looking into, since there's concrete options for controling that aspect of the equation. Doesn't mean that all is rainbows and unicorns afterwards, but it might help you to reach calmer waters, where you're not constantly afraid of drowning...

So maybe, getting an extra session with your T plus booking an appointment with you GP might be yet another option?

All the best! Sending you a warm hug.
c_r

[Edit: Typo]

Thanks @cinnamon_roll
No med changes
I am female and should be too young for menopause but I have wondered about that one as well.
My blood pressure is chronically low but has been stable
Thyroid may be an option too

I’m doing fine when we process trauma, it is the stupid “textbook” skills training, history taking sessions that are triggering me. It may also be bad experiences with previous T’s because everyone try’s the same things... then called me a failure and fired me when they didn’t work.

Maybe it's not feeling seen/validated?

When processing trauma, you're in the center of what's happening between you and T.

When doing skills training etc, it's the textbook/script. And I often feel like having to submit to that, which can make me rather angry...

History - tends to trigger an awful lot for me. Especially when it's about difficult periods which probably is dense with possible (historical) triggers. And quite often my negative reaction comes postponed, days or even weeks later...

^^^^^YES!!!!!
And the postponed reactions REALLY bother him.

Really, as a (trauma?) T, he should know about the delayed reactions to triggers and what's behind this delay. It's not as if you choose to hold back...

For me it's some form of dissociated state. And only later, when I'm by myself, it hits me full force. For some reason in my past it was paramount that I don't let on about what is really happening inside of me. So the safest way to do this was not knowing myself what's going on. Interrupting contact with myself.

Part of the healing process (for me) seems to be that re-gaining contact with myself comes with stages of immense inner pain and turmoil. And fear and panic, and whatelse. And there might be some truth in your guess from your first post (grounding exercises interrupting dissociation) - your 'normal' coping-strategy is put out of order, but you haven't found an adequate alternative coping mechanism yet. Because it takes time and such...

Maybe knowing that this dark hole might be some sort of delayed reaction to some actual trigger might help? I sometimes visualize this reaction like a giant pendulum. There will be a turning point and the pendulum will swing back again, and eventually losing it's massive momentum.

Hugs, c_r

T is not specifically a trauma T although he does have significant training in working with trauma. I am guessing by many of his responses to me that my trauma may be the most severe in both breadth and depth that he has encountered. I know he is also surprised by how when I disassociate my behaviors and affect do not change in any way that he can pick up on.
This helps. It would also explain why processing the traumas that I can process comfortably helps more than self care or grounding... just taking that little bit of extra weight off.