Survivor of unethical therapy mini rebellion

The post for survivors is now 53 pages. We've honored requests not to flood the board. We're talking in the threads about telling people, making people aware, but it feels to me as if we are hiding behind one thread.

Boy, I'm grumpy tonight. Which for me means I'm actually saying what I think instead of considering other people's opinions more important than my own. Waffling- maybe it is good to have it all in one place. What if we created a thread of stories. No comments or side tracks. Just stories. Story after story. I think it could be powerful, and readily available to people who want or need to hear about our experiences.

I'll go first.

The first therapist I ever saw, back in 1990, for post partum psychosis, adopted my toddler daughter and I into her family. We went on vacations with her and her family. Had regular Sunday dinner with them. I participated in the weekly extended family Trivial Pursuit game night. I celebrated holidays with her. Kept her company before she had surgery. Planned her mother's 80th birthday party. We were mother and daughter. I also had a severe trauma history she treated with hypnotic regression. If you don't know what that is its using hypnosis to bring you back in time to relive your trauma. The theory was that if you relived your trauma you could conquer it. All she managed to do was destabilize my DID system and turn me into a nonfunctioning psychotic wreck. I ended up being hospitalized for DID and bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis. She then severed ties with me because she said I was too much work. I was so destroyed I reverted to an infant part and became completely nonfunctioning. Between the regression and the psychosis, I was hospitalized for 8 months.

It never would have happened if she hadn't first adopted me and then used terrible treatment techniques on me. Also, it took her 4 years to refer me to a psychiatrist. By then, I was a psychiatric basket case. She ruined my life. I lost everything. My child. My job. My marriage. My friends...everything that made my life a life. It's taken a lot of years and one incredible psychiatrist to put me back together. I will never forget what she did to me.

Me : I told my Mother a few things she didn't like and refused to bend to her will and she rejected me.

My T : This is a dysfunctional childhood attachment pattern. There was something wrong with your Mother. You need to accept and understand that it wasn't your fault.

Me : I told your boss a few things he didn't like and refused to bend to his will and he terminated me.

My EX T : I'm sure you agree that it was your fault.

Topiarysurvivor,

I love this thread! I look forward to reading fellow survivor testimonies.

I will share my story in brief format and I will skip some of the content for the sake of brevity.

I entered DBT therapy around 5 years ago. When my attachment to my therapist became severe, I was given permission to express anger in therapy and I did just that; I left a series of angry voicemails on my therapists phone when she asked me to sign a contingency plan that would have limited me to 5 minutes per session to talk about issues of my choosing. Considering the immense attachment I had formed with her, and considering I had landed in hospital between sessions because the attachment was so unbearable, I needed to talk about issues of my choosing. This was unethical. I even tried to seek out additional drop-in therapy within the same system and they didn't like that and told me I would be kicked from DBT if it happened again. As a result of the angry voicemails, I was abandoned without warning and as a result, I threatened to end my life and was brought to the hospital.

In the hospital I was told they wanted to do a psych evaluation. I had already done a psych evaluation in order to get into DBT, so I asked for them to provide proof for who was asking for the psych assessment. A nurse printed out a document and highlighted the portion in question: I read from the top of the page and it said that the DBT program supervisor believed I was faking Borderline PD and wanted a psych evaluation done with suspicion that I had Antisocial PD. I immediately took this document from the nurse and read the entire thing, crying hysterically and calling my Mom to read her the content; it was absolutely BS. Security was called and took the document from me. I threatened a lawsuit.

I was transferred to a different unit and assigned a forensic psychologist. I was told that I had to do a psych evaluation, otherwise I would be barred from accessing treatment through the public healthcare system. I was also told that if I refused to do the test, it would look like I was hiding something. I was told by a psychiatrist on the unit that I had a monster hiding under the bed and they wanted to know what it was. Seeing what had already been written about me, I was terrified to do the test. I tried killing myself with a paperclip that I found on the floor of the hospital; I dug into my arm all the way down to my muscles and couldn't find a vein. I wanted to die so bad. I decided to do the test. Turns out they were wrong; I wasn't faking BPD and I wasn't a psychopath.

They apologized and offered me placement back into the same DBT program. Stupidly I went back....

Upon returning, I requested to review the document I had seen in the hospital with the program supervisor and my psychiatrist (who was away on vacation during this entire ordeal). They said not to order my health records, that it would be quicker for them for order them and they promised that I could have a copy of the document at the end of the following session. The next session we review the same document I had seen in the hospital and the program supervisor says she had saved the voicemails that led to all of this. After discussing the document, the program supervisor took the document from my hands and said that I could have it at a later date, that I was too dysregulated to have it at that time, and that it was all about survival...

Stupidly I believed them.

I was assigned a new therapist. In my first session with my new therapist, my psychiatrist asked me if I had recorded our prior sessions when we reviewed the document in question. I said no. A month or so into treatment, I requested the document that they had promised me. They responded by saying that they could not give it to me, that I would have to order it through legal channels... (not sure why they would tell me this). I then requested copies of the voicemails that led to all of this. The program supervisor apparently had them saved, and was willing to meet with me and provide copies. On the day I go in to get copies, the program supervisor said she had some bad news: they had lost the voicemails... (all but one that was completely unrelated).

I ordered my health records...

When I got my health records, that specific document I had seen was altered and falsified. It no longer said that the program supervisor said these things, it now said that a different psychiatrist (who I have never even met) said it.

Upon returning to the program, they know I was aware that this particular document had been altered. I was told, "If you kick, we will kick twice as hard." They also made jokes in DBT groups about how the court system was supposed to be fair but is not. I was threatened with being diagnosed with narcissism. The people I had been betrayed by, had betrayed me again, and now I was even more vulnerable. I told them I was going to private DBT and they claimed I was paranoid that they altered health records...

I went into private DBT in the same city. I told my therapist everything, she knew all of the people involved. Within 4 months, my private therapist hired the same therapist who started all of this. I was instantly betrayed. My private therapist said the only way I could continue therapy with her, is if I agreed to include my former therapist in consultations. Considering I was threatened to stay silent, I said no. She became cold and bitter and wrote exactly what they needed to write in my health records in order to destroy my credibility beyond repair: paranoia and memory loss. Convenient considering I had seen an original document twice before it was altered.

I left the private therapist and vowed never to trust a therapist again.

But I was deeply traumatized and in need of help still. So I went to drop-in style therapy for awhile and gained trust in the system again. Turns out this problem has been seen before and not all therapists wanted to throw me under the bus. I built some trust in the system again and felt it was time to see a long-term therapist again.

I went into a non-profit organization. I saw a therapist for about 6 months and at that point, requested to see her notes. When she reviewed them with me, they were amazing. Aside from minor discrepancies, the notes were ethical and she even defended my credibility. I felt safe and decided that I would not need copies of her notes. A month or so later, the public healthcare system moves in across the hallway and I get triggered. I immediately request copies of my notes. When I get them, they are changed; the particular parts that my therapist included that defended my credibility were removed, and my therapist denied changing anything. I was gaslighted and retraumatized, again. I was made aware that this problem of altering and falsifying health records was cultural and systemic. My therapist began to rub in the fact that she had changed the records. It was deeply traumatic and she messed with my head.

Around the same time, a distress center that I leaned on became cold and distant and also unsupportive. They re-traumatized me and disbelieved that I had experienced this; blaming it on me, rather than on the fact that cultural and systemic institutional betrayal was a real thing. I was abandoned by a distress line that I had depended on for years.

I was alone.

I found purpose in all of this and entered university with plans to become a journalist and advocate for change through post-traumatic growth. I saw a therapist at my campus for a year. After a few months of treatment, I had a phone call with my therapist that was deeply traumatic; she showed me her dark side. I was instantly re-traumatized and as a result, I had to do a medical withdrawal. I decided to forgive her and continue therapy with her - placing my heart on the table and giving her benefit of the doubt. She groomed me back into the therapeutic relationship, becoming exactly what I needed. I saw her throughout the remainder of the summer and we built rapport. Unfortunately, she decided to repeat my trauma and destroy my credibility beyond repair.

What I know now, is that universities have a vested interest in protecting the reputation of the campus. If students are, for instance, sexually abused on campus, they will usually go into therapy on campus. Campus therapists will destroy the credibility of survivors in preparation for potential lawsuits and complaints; no different than in any other system. It all comes down to Institutional Betrayal. It is a pattern that can be seen in every system. This one broke me down more an any other. I am still dealing with the effects... But I refuse to let her destroy me. Instead, it has added to my hard earned insight.

Thus concludes my findings: therapists do in fact protect therapists across the public, private and non-profit healthcare sectors. It is cultural and systemic and it needs to be exposed. I have been threatened more than once, but I will not give up. People out there know what is going on and there are MANY professionals waiting for an opportunity to speak up. Institutional betrayal is a hot topic and is slowly being exposed.

I thank all of my corrupt and unethical therapists for showing me the darkness that exists inside the psychological community. I am not alone, and I refuse to be silent. Alone we are without credibility, but together and in large numbers, we are a voice not to be reckoned with. I was recently approached by undercover journalists who can help... I will be working alongside as many people as I can in order to expose this and I believe that we can all conglomerate and spark a conversation as a group. Strength in numbers!

Don't give up - the truth will out and there is faith yet in humanity. There are good people doing good things and if we all play a small role in exposing this problem - I believe things will change.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Yes , institutional betrayal. That you survived all that is testament to your strength and resilience.

The Cost of Abuse - AdvocateWeb

The Cost of Abuse
Sometimes, people don’t realize the degree of harm that is caused when a person is sexually/emotionally exploited by a “trusted helping professional” (mental health, medical, clergy, law enforcement, teacher, coach, etc.). Time after time, in news articles, the focus is on the professional’s “misconduct”. This abuse isn’t just a theoretical ethical “no no”. There’s another side to each of these “professional misconduct” stories which is usually glossed over… the victim’s story. Victims pay a tremendous price for this abuse, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, socially, sexually, physically, and financially. It’s no wonder that an increasing number of States are criminalizing this abuse, as a serious felony offense and professional codes of ethics prohibit this abuse. This is NOT a victimless crime. When you encounter these stories of abuse, ask yourself a question:

“What about the victim?”

The Question:

Having been sexually/emotionally exploited by a helping professional, what has been the ‘cost’ of this abuse? What has it taken from you?

The Answers:

• Words are insufficient to explain the cost of this exploitation on my life-and to my family, friends, subsequent therapy, etc. I try to write this over and over and I cannot find the words that convey my sorrow, grief, betrayal, anger, etc.

• I lost my identity. My sense of who I am was shattered.

• I lost all hope of recovering from childhood sexual abuse.

• I lost any hope that safety exists anywhere on this earth.

• I lost my connections to important people in my life- due to the extreme isolation.

• I lost the few good feelings I had about my body.

• I lost 99.9% of everything meaningful in life: trust, faith, value systems, 2 babies’ lives, motherhood, family, friends, career, and a nearly successful attempt on my own life

• The abuse was a re-enactment of childhood abuse and It re-traumatized me to the core.

• He took my dignity and self-respect.

• He also took my ability to be physically close to and sexually intimate with my husband and my ability to go to Church without feeling sick to my stomach.

• I can honestly say that although sex was a regular part of my experience, 90% of the damage came from the long term emotional and verbal abuse.

• He has taken from me my trust in male doctors.

• He took my innocence, my love, and almost my soul.

• He has taken my peaceful nights of sleep – I still wake up with nightmares, and in tears.

• He did not take my integrity, my fire, or my spirit — but if he would have been able to keep exploiting me, I’m sure he would have sucked every ounce of self respect out of my being. And called it love.

• Flashbacks awake… Nightmares asleep…He took away my definition of who I am.

• He ROBBED me of my courage, my trust in others, confidence in my own judgment and past healing by re-enacting the prior abuse.

• Sex was the weapon or means used to abuse us emotionally and spiritually.

• This abuse has cost me my friends and my family who just don’t understand.

• His abuse has cost me my freedom, my rights, my privileges, my trust in others and the mental health profession; and my freedom to be who I am.

• It cost me valuable years of my life, when I felt incapacitated to enjoy life or to be a vital member of a family consisting of members who needed me.

• It cost me the sense of being capable of protecting myself, of solving problems for myself. I realized I was unable to know soon enough what was profoundly dangerous to me, nor did the experience teach me how to do that other than by withdrawing from the world.

• It cost me my sense of who I was, of well-being, and hopes and dreams for the future.

• The experience placed me outside cultural expectations, leaving me with feelings of profound confusion. At the same time it separated me from important others as it was an experience beyond what those near and dear to me could comprehend.

• He stole away my faith that there is good in the world. I don’t know who I can trust any more, now that I’ve learned that the people I am “supposed” to trust CANNOT be trusted.

• I’ve lost my church, all of my friends, all of my support at a time when I needed them the most. I have to deal with this violation alone.

• She stole from me my faith in the office of rabbi, and the failure of the movement’s leadership, also rabbis, to respond in a just and healing way has destroyed my faith in my chosen religion and very nearly my faith in God.

• I’ve lost my ability to do the work I loved.

• I’ve lost the ability to take care of my house and yard; I’m not a good ‘mother’ to my cats anymore.

• I’ve lost all the waking hours from every day in my attempts to achieve justice and to heal; I’ve lost all the sleeping hours from every night to nightmares.

• I’ve lost my energy and motivation for life.

• I lose many many thousands of dollars every year in lost income and in healing expenses.

• The very foundations of all I held dear and sacred were undermined. The very principles I had grounded my life on were ripped out from under me, hurling me into dark chaos.

• I lost my church, my friends, my support network, my ability to trust, my faith, and my sense of who I was.

• I was injured to the core, at every level of my being. It nearly cost me my physical life as well. I am determined to reclaim my life, and raise good out of the ashes of evil.

• My mind shattered, and picking up the pieces and putting them back together may take a lifetime.

• He stole my personhood, and never gave it back. I thought I was going to be healed, but instead I was wounded almost to death. I ended up in the hospital despairing of life again and again.

• It made me realise the difference between church and God! I lost church, but not God. I lost trust in the clerical collar. It hurt to my very core. I feel bruised, discarded, ignored, violated, angry. I lost, but also gained . . . my soul, my God.

• It is now terrifying to ask for help from any mental health professional. I have to go to the profession that devestated me for help. It is an impossible double-bind.

• I lost the joy in my life, my ability to trust myself and others, faith in God, my inner strength, respect for the church, my identity.

• I lost belief in myself. I told myself that I could handle him, that I could stay out of danger, but I couldn’t. I lost my self-determination and personal feelings of power.

• I have lost my sense of relationship with God and Christians. For most of my life, God was my Source of strength, courage and unconditional acceptance. Because the abuse was from someone who represented God to me, my feelings of shame and betrayal have separated me from this Source. And so many “Christians” don’t or can’t understand…

• It has cost me trust. I has made me wear a frown on my face and have a suspicious look in my eye.

• It has cost me my innocence, my ability to think wonderful of life.

• It has cost me myself. Who am I? I don’t know. The “me” has been lost. Never to be seen or heard from again. Just plain gone. Now, I just “be” what everyone else wants me to be…..whatever, whomever that is.

• It has cost me my marriage, my family, my financial security, my trust in others, my sense of safety in the world, my sense of Self, my ability to feel joy, my desire to truly live.

• Most importantly, the abuse by my therapist has caused me to lose my belief in the God that I had always embraced, faith in something bigger than myself, hope that there will be more beyond this life. The man who was supposed to care for me has robbed me of my life and I am left with a hole where my heart once was.

• It has cost me and still costs me the joy in my life. I still harbor hopes that he truly loved me and that someday it will all work out.

• It cost me the ability to think and trust my own rationality, my own intuition. He always said my intuition about his feelings for me were right on target… are they? Can I ever trust myself again?

• It took the reality out my life and replaced it with false hopes, false images of myself and others. I no longer function with the hope that I can be something different, but rather must accept the trash I have become because of our relationship!

• It cost me 1) my sense of God as a presence and factor in people’s actions, what kind of God did this man profess to follow, 2) my church family, 3) most of my friends, 4) my good name, 5) my self respect, 6) the thought that I have a clue about peoples intentions and motives, 7) the trust of my husband and 8) all faith in fellow Christians in general, 9) the clergy in particular.

• When I go out now, I almost always encounter at least one person who gives me that “oh you’re THAT woman” look, and some men feel that they now have a right to hit on me because if I would sleep with my minister then why not them. So many things about me have changed due to this I don’t have the time or enough space to list them all.

• The cost of abuse: Incalculable. Costs you the tiny bit of self-respect you had, your ability to trust/love anyone, including yourself, your soul. Your minute will to live.

• He shattered me, leaving permanent shards of glass in my psyche.

• I became spiritually, emotionally, and morally bankrupt. He took away my reasons to live. I’ve had to learn to live my life all over.

• He conspired to discredit me, and his brutal abuse ended up costing me the loss of my hospital. He is a deviant Registered Nurse, and he continues to provide “services” to female patients. What will he cost our society?

• My priest discarded me after he took away dignity, my integrity, my sense of spiritual wholeness. He left me with pain, terror, nightmares, shame and self-loathing.

• I feel like I am terminated. I was controlled, and then deleted. If I committed suicide, I would only be finishing the job he started.

• She was my coach, my mentor. Because of her I have lost my innocence, relationships with the people I love, my goals for the future, my spiritual wholeness, and all ability to be independent. She gained my complete love only to leave me broken and alone.

My heart goes out to you all...

My therapist abused me when telling me that I had to see her four times a week, pay for it by cleaning rat droppings in her basement (since I could not afford all of it in cash), pay for it by also organizing her documents of other patient records, having me spend the night, having me get triggered purposely from movies she made me watch in her home so that she could trigger an alternate personality to come out, holding me like a mother would in her bedroom, telling me that I should be alone and only see her, breaking my confidence with her roommate, receiving death threats from her jealous roommate, and being told that she would change my diagnosis from DID to BPD to ruin my record if I ever "fired" her.

I was so scared that I asked her ro send me to the trauma treatment center. She did, but while there, I told the trauma treatment center and they helped me leave her. They also helped me file a complaint against her with the Board, especially since I had recorded voice mails comprising threats from her roommate. Although I do not have BPD, as I was thoroughly evaluated by the trauma treatment center, I felt horrible in hearing the way she talked about her other clients who had that diagnosis, and the ways un which she threatened me with it. I had never heard of that before. My therapist was so needy and dependent upon me because she wanted to be my surrogate mother since she was not able to have children, that I got scared of ever getting close to a therapist again. I was isolated and freaked, but I managed to move out of state. I was too afraid to go to the hearing against her because of her roommate's death threats. I was suffering from trauma and she retraumatized me!

Thankfully, I got better treatment later, but it has been over 10 years now and I am still afraid of therapy.

She no longer practices, so that is a relief.