Couch 205: The 5 x 41 Couch

susannahsays · Sep 20, 2019 at 06:34 PM

Well this strategy is going to have the opposite effect that you're looking for, unless you're hoping it pushes you completely over the edge so that your inhibitions about suicide are removed. Otherwise, there is major cognitive dissonance between wanting to get better and doing this.

susannahsays · Sep 20, 2019 at 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I know you're right @susannahsays, I'm not usually like this. I'm usually very compliant. This last bout with suicidality has really messed with me. But you're right, I don't want to make it worse.

I don't know that I care for the characterization of taking your medication in this scenario as "compliant." Sure, I think you are also rather compliant, but that's not why I'm suggesting you take your meds and consult with a prescriber before making changes. It's not about giving them all the power, just about not causing yourself to needlessly suffer. If not taking your meds is an act of rebelliousness against being compliant, it seems like shooting off your nose to spite your face.

atisketatasket · Sep 20, 2019 at 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Well that time, I stopped all my meds. That definitely was a bad idea...I guess this one is too. I'm so tired of being sick. I just want to get better already but it's been years and I'm not better yet.

But what does “better” mean? Whole? Healed? Functional? What does “better” look like?

Better seems like too big and amorphous a goal. Maybe break it down into smaller goals.

I also think you need more support in general. Like weekly therapy, is that possible?

malika138 · Sep 20, 2019 at 06:57 PM

I like the 5 x 41 = the number of the couch reference

malika138 · Sep 20, 2019 at 07:03 PM

And, SK, if the meds aren't working, then see the doc. Skipping meds isn't a way to stabilize moods. Maybe your doc can prescribe other meds if you don't like the ones you are on now. But I agree with others that skipping meds isn't the most direct route towards feeling better.

SlumberKitty · Sep 20, 2019 at 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

But what does “better” mean? Whole? Healed? Functional? What does “better” look like?

Better seems like too big and amorphous a goal. Maybe break it down into smaller goals.

I also think you need more support in general. Like weekly therapy, is that possible?

I guess better means not SHing, not feeling suicidal, lots of behavioral things like not isolating, not being sad all the time. Not having hallucinations. Not being so dependent on my parents. I guess better means a lot of things. I don’t know if weekly therapy is possible. Maybe if my T moves to a different agency but since she also works at a hospital, I think her slots are always going to be limited. But I could be more proactive about getting emergency appointments when I’m in crisis. That’s something I didn’t do last time. I did get into see my PDOC but I didn’t call my T. Actually that didn’t occur to me at the time. I guess I wasn’t and perhaps am not thinking straight.

SlumberKitty · Sep 20, 2019 at 07:06 PM

Thanks for caring about me Couchies, even if that means calling me out on my behavior.

SlumberKitty · Sep 20, 2019 at 07:10 PM

Maybe I should ask my parents to supervise my meds right now. It’s not a step away from being so dependent on my parents. In fact it’s probably a step in the backwards direction. But since I keep having these compulsions to stop my meds or mess with the dose, which seems logical to me at the time, maybe I need someone holding me accountable. FWIW, my former T told me not to mess with my meds last time I did this. Perhaps if I pictured her displeasure it would help me to take them.

atisketatasket · Sep 20, 2019 at 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I don’t know if weekly therapy is possible. Maybe if my T moves to a different agency but since she also works at a hospital, I think her slots are always going to be limited.

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

More than one therapist in the sea.

MobiusPsyche · Sep 20, 2019 at 07:42 PM

I'm so depressed, following my diet but now I've gained weight. Ridiculousness.

Had a meltdown today, screaming and crying violently because my computer and printer won't speak to each other wirelessly. Maybe I'll have a glass of wine to relax.

SlumberKitty · Sep 20, 2019 at 07:44 PM

Hugs @MobiusPsyche technology problems suck. Hope you feel better tonight.

SlumberKitty · Sep 20, 2019 at 08:11 PM

I asked my parents to help me with my medications right now since I can’t trust myself not to give into the compulsion to skip or change the dose. Maybe that makes me lame, like I should be capable of doing this myself, but I’m not trusting myself to do so. IDK people always say there’s no shame in asking for help. Funny though, because I think I feel shame right now. I have to not beat myself up though because that won’t do any good, and my T says to me that I would never treat others the way I treat myself. Right now I just have to accept that I need help with this aspect of my life.

SlumberKitty · Sep 20, 2019 at 08:20 PM

Just heard on the news tomorrow is Batman day! That sounds fun. I’m sure I have Batman socks or something!

susannahsays · Sep 20, 2019 at 09:04 PM

I don't think that makes you lame. It sounds like a responsible decision and I'm glad you were able to take that step to take care of yourself and help make sure you don't spiral. I hope you and your psychiatrist are able to come up with a plan in the near future that ends up helping.

susannahsays · Sep 20, 2019 at 09:08 PM

I know you haven't really wanted to search for another therapist in the past, and maybe you still don't want to search for one now. But have you considered adding a therapist who would do a complementary therapy, like maybe art therapy or something? I don't know, just trying to think of ways that you might get more support. Have you considered looking into support groups in your area? I think NAMI offer support groups nationwide, although I have never been to one.

SlumberKitty · Sep 20, 2019 at 09:20 PM

I probably would like art therapy. I don’t know if there’s support groups by me. I know where I get therapy they have anger management, parenting, and substance abuse, but I haven’t seen any for depression. I will do some googling. Maybe my former T knows of something in her area....about an hour from me. Maybe the simplest thing would be to ask my T how I could get more support. She may have resources that I don’t know about. She works at a hospital about an hour and a half away but surely they would have referrals to resources. I’ve been trying to build up my IRL support through my Church members and stuff. So that way there’s people I can call in a crisis. I will talk to my T. It will be hard. But since she’s my T she should try to help me.

NP_Complete · Sep 20, 2019 at 09:29 PM

I embarrassed myself at work today. For context, I work in a very laid back environment. My team was doing an outing today to a driving range that I wasn't attending because of other stuff that I've already talked about here. There were a few guys standing around chatting about golf before they left. As we were wrapping up the conversation, I said "I hope you enjoy playing with your little white balls". As these words were leaving my mouth, I realized the double entendre. My manager completely lost it laughing and said he wasn't touching that with a ten foot pole, which didn't help at all. I was laughing too, but I was beet red. A few minutes later, another guy came over to talk to the manager and told the other guy what I said. I think I'm never going to live this one down.

susannahsays · Sep 20, 2019 at 09:36 PM

Ah well, don't be too hard on yourself. Sounds like it was good natured teasing.

unaluna · Sep 20, 2019 at 10:16 PM

Actually sounds like a pretty woke thing to say.

NP_Complete · Sep 20, 2019 at 10:23 PM

It was funny, just a little bit embarrassing.

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Couch 205: The 5 x 41 Couch

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malika138 Member Member Since Apr 2017 Location: home Posts: 287 7 623 hugs given	Sep 20, 2019 at 06:57 PM #24 I like the 5 x 41 = the number of the couch reference

malika138 Member Member Since Apr 2017 Location: home Posts: 287 7 623 hugs given	Sep 20, 2019 at 07:03 PM #25 And, SK, if the meds aren't working, then see the doc. Skipping meds isn't a way to stabilize moods. Maybe your doc can prescribe other meds if you don't like the ones you are on now. But I agree with others that skipping meds isn't the most direct route towards feeling better.

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Sep 20, 2019 at 07:06 PM #27 Thanks for caring about me Couchies, even if that means calling me out on my behavior. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Sep 20, 2019 at 07:44 PM #31 Hugs @MobiusPsyche technology problems suck. Hope you feel better tonight. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Sep 20, 2019 at 08:20 PM #33 Just heard on the news tomorrow is Batman day! That sounds fun. I’m sure I have Batman socks or something! __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Sep 20, 2019 at 09:36 PM #38 Ah well, don't be too hard on yourself. Sounds like it was good natured teasing. __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold

unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,829 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.3k hugs given	Sep 20, 2019 at 10:16 PM #39 Actually sounds like a pretty woke thing to say.

NP_Complete Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: the upside down Posts: 3,804 7 6,349 hugs given	Sep 20, 2019 at 10:23 PM #40 It was funny, just a little bit embarrassing.