Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I really wanted to email you today about my dad not coming to see us this christmas. I'm sad because I think he might die this year. I haven't spent Christmas with him for 20 years. I'm only 34. He is my only parent. It hurts and he doesn't know the first thing about it. I am halfway between being angry with him about how thoughtless he is, how he forgets he is my only parent and concentrates on the (adult) daughter he has with his current partner, and also just sad because he has this big operation coming up and I have the same sense of foreboding I had before my mother died. I think this is it. I wish I could email you but I want you to enjoy your break.

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much Echos.

If T has always allowed emails during his break, I would trust that he is able to take care of himself whilst still being there for you at this difficult time.

Your not answering me today, given everything, has hurt me so badly and you must know it. I don’t believe for a minute that you didn’t see my email. Not in this day and age when everyone checks their email constantly. You’ve hurt me today and you must know it. You’ve chosen to. You either wanted to or you were indifferent to it. Either way, that means something. Something not good. I hate that my heart is breaking again. It feels devastating, especially considering that the external circumstances of my life are objectively terrible right now.

I want to share with you how things are going.

The Christmas break is incredibly difficult. I wish I had just one family member who loved me. I feel awfully alone, incredibly anxious and afraid. It’s so dehumanising knowing you have no loving connection to others, especially when that’s just something that everyone seems to have, and not even give a second thought about.

At work people were talking about a scandalous affair and how that may impact family gatherings other the holiday season. I felt myself laughing and thinking well I guess that’s one perk of having no one. But I know it’s only a ‘thing’ in their family because they care about the implications.

One good thing I guess is that I’ve fully switched off from work - even removed my work emails from my phone whilst I’m off. I’m off for 10 days. The longest I’ve ever been off work. I intend to paint, read and write. I’m going to stay in as much as possible as my anxiety is very high.

1 week down - I see you in 2 weeks. Well, 15 days. I’m thinking a lot about what I get out of seeing you and why I am so drawn to you. I pause my thoughts when they start to make sense. They’re too painful. I’m just letting it be.

Also - I want to say I miss you, but I’m not quite sure what that means anymore. I do wish you well though, always.

I’m terrified of you. Terrified to read your response. I can’t breathe when I think about opening it. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

You wrote and told me you could add me to a cancellation list if i wanted, I didn't reply and say no because I knew you would say "Ok see you next week" and then I would just feel so rejected. That is probably not logical. It's not your fault things are hard but why can't you ever be there when they are? First October you were away for most of it and not there during my illness relapse and now this. it's not your fault but I'm tired of dealing with things alone.

I read it. It was just as awful as I feared. Now waiting for the evidence that I’ve been crying to disappear before I face my family.

Dear T,
In a bad place right now, but will do my best to resist emailing you....
Love,
LT

You can do it LT. Use the skills he taught you.

You didn't say anything about being able to call you over break and we didn't schedule a phone check in like we did over Thanksgiving break. So my mind is telling me it's definitely off limits to contact you. Less than 2 weeks until the 2nd thankfully.

I'm better now. Thanks for talking with PDOC.

Thanks, Zoie. I typed up an email but just saved it in drafts. I think the act of just typing it out helped. So: Success! And doing better this morning.

Thank you for the Christmas card, and thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate what you did for me on Friday.

Have a wonderful Christmas. See you on the 9th of January.

I turn 27 next year and all I can think about is the fact so many people in popular culture died because of their mental illness / suicide at 27. I’ve always felt like this will be my end, and it feels so close. I am
not really scared.

I’m thinking about what you said. I might be willing to do one both of the things you suggested (cutting contact with my parents for a while and also the thing under the trigger)

Did you see I accidentally sent you a facebook request? Oops...

So T something happened around an hour ago and i'm still crying about it now in my brother's bed.

Yes i did make a mistake in coming back and I just want to leave. I knew I wouldn't have the picture perfect christmas tree , or stockings,presents tucked under the tree or the fancy dinner. I just wanted to believe so badly that this year christmas would be different.

I'm so ashamed and you've only been gone less than 6 days.

T: Please hope for me that my time in NY will go okay--esp with my mom. Nervous now.

Please don’t cancel again. You just cancelled last week and myself and probably many others need to see you before Christmas. At least if you cancel don’t get cheesed about me calling into work on Saturday. Because if you can call in because your sick then why isn’t it ok for me to do it because I’m sick?