Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

nottrustin · Nov 13, 2019 at 10:25 PM

Why does it scare me so much when we have a good session. I dont want to like you. I don't want to need you. What if I get hurt again?

SlumberKitty · Nov 13, 2019 at 11:21 PM

Dear Pastor T and Regular T: thanks for caring about me, and trying to get me to care about myself. Kit

captgut · Nov 14, 2019 at 02:09 AM

Say something. Why are you always silent?

Possible trigger:

I want you to told me that I'm hopeless and should kill myself.

I'm so tired. I don't want to cope anymore. I'm done.

jrae · Nov 14, 2019 at 04:08 AM

I have my appt with you next week and I'm thinking about it. what's the point of even saying ANYTHING to you - if we can't meet again for 6 weeks?!?! you won't remember what I say by then anyways. and h**l, I could've had surgery in that time too.....

LostOnTheTrail · Nov 14, 2019 at 01:13 PM

Thanks for today. I wouldn't say I'm ready for Sunday, but I don't think it's going to flatten me. It will be hard, but I think I can handle it.
Above all, it's a celebration of my students.

Lemoncake · Nov 14, 2019 at 02:14 PM

Possible trigger:

YouTube

"It's crazy when
The thing you love the most is the detriment
Let that sink in
You can think again"

I have emailed saying that Im going to stick with the session on the 19th. but I know I can live without you.

LonesomeTonight · Nov 14, 2019 at 02:42 PM

Dear T,
So that ended up being more intense than I'd expected it to be today. Some really good insights in there, mostly from you. I think I understand the paternal transference for you now, how it's different than with ex-MC and why. Because I don't want you to be my dad from when I was a kid--I want you to be my dad *now*, so I can talk about stuff with my D and you get it. Chances of you getting an email before session Tuesday are fairly good, but I imagine you're expecting that. I felt connected today and will do my best to hold onto that. And it's good you saw me as making progress on some things.
Love you,
LT

kaleidoscopeheart · Nov 14, 2019 at 04:01 PM

Dear T,

I know I am not supposed to let the hurt feelings or sadness take over anymore, but I don't know how to do that. Maybe you can give me some pointers in my next session.... :P

SummerTime12 · Nov 14, 2019 at 04:47 PM

I hope you email back soon. I’m trying not to do anything stupid, but admittedly not trying as hard as I could.

SummerTime12 · Nov 14, 2019 at 06:06 PM

I’m too scared to talk to anyone else because I don’t want to be sent to the hospital, but I think you’re busy because you haven’t replied. I don’t really know what to do. I can’t bring myself to reach out to anyone, so hopefully you check your email soon.

LonesomeTonight · Nov 14, 2019 at 06:33 PM

Dear T,
I kept thinking about the "needy" thing. Your saying you'd let me know while any neediness from me was still a tiny monster. Why is it a monster at all? What's wrong with needing you? You've already said I might not have any trees...
LT

Nov 14, 2019 at 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Dear T,
I kept thinking about the "needy" thing. Your saying you'd let me know while any neediness from me was still a tiny monster. Why is it a monster at all? What's wrong with needing you? You've already said I might not have any trees...
LT

That sounds so painful really. Why the heck is need a monster, Dr T?

LonesomeTonight · Nov 14, 2019 at 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuietMind

That sounds so painful really. Why the heck is need a monster, Dr T?

Thanks, QM...I kinda get what he was going for, but...it's also painful.

Nov 14, 2019 at 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Thanks, QM...I kinda get what he was going for, but...

I don't like how he seems to be pathologising need. My T isn't perfect but she frames it as crutches and broken legs. "Neediness" often points to unmet needs. She definitely hasn't met every single need, but the expression of those needs on my part isn't wrong or a monster (whatever the size). If I were to email too much for example, we'll discuss about why and how we can find something sustainable... But that's not because my needy behaviours are bad, or that needs are bad.

Jessica Hazlitt · Nov 14, 2019 at 08:29 PM

Dear ex T,
once again you've been cropping up in my dreams. It's lovely but also feels a bit cruel, I miss you still. The drama back home has been kicked up again big time. It's like none of them can see facts or the reality. The lingering, it's cruel, I can only hope she genuinely has no idea what's going on. I have so many questions about morality and loss. I was raised by hmmm, I don't eat to say 'bad people'.... My point is I'm not like them, but their way of thinking was beaten into me and its causing a lot of conflict in me. I wish we could have finished our work. Processing all this b.s would be clearer. If you do want to continue, don't wait too long x.

nottrustin · Nov 14, 2019 at 08:45 PM

You are the best. This week I disclosed and went places I never knew existed. It's so hard because it is okay in the safety of your office. If only it felt okay after I leave your office. You gave me an amazing calming hug which was nice. Why couldn't I hold those feelings?

Thank you for talking to me for so long on the phone today. You saying we are making good progress. Thank you for your patience.

susannahsays · Nov 14, 2019 at 09:27 PM

I wish I hadn't texted you that link. That was an impulsive move on my part and I can't remember what I was thinking. I don't want to talk to you, have no intention of doing so, so why did I do that?

Polibeth · Nov 14, 2019 at 09:58 PM

You wrote me such a nice email. I'm really glad that you checked on me since I have been so sick and missed two appointments. Thank you.

kumy · Nov 15, 2019 at 07:24 AM

I'm not ok, T, and I'm starting to question whether you are the right T for me. You don't seem to get so many things and I really suck at putting them into words.

Lemoncake · 09:56 AM

Today I began to cry in biochemistry class.

We've been in rupture mode since your October break. All i wanted was care and comfort- not because I was one of your x number of clients, but because I was me and because of everything that I've already shared with you.

I was surprised by my own reaction and all the tears. I shouldn't have threatened to complain about you- but I could feel your anger and irritation.

My ambivalence about therapy is strong, but being all twisted is hard too.

I think it's clear I have higher needs than you can provide.

Like you've said : "you've always made a big deal about the emails"

I always thought you would be my last T- so after you I'm not going to jump into seeing someone else straight away.

P,s How do you feel about me not sending a payment for this week- when we didn't go the full 50 mins and just slightly over 24 mins plus interuptions?

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

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nottrustin Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2014 Location: n/a Posts: 4,819 10 375 hugs given	Nov 13, 2019 at 10:25 PM #421 Why does it scare me so much when we have a good session. I dont want to like you. I don't want to need you. What if I get hurt again? __________________

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Nov 13, 2019 at 11:21 PM #422 Dear Pastor T and Regular T: thanks for caring about me, and trying to get me to care about myself. Kit __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

captgut Grand Poohbah Member Since Jan 2017 Location: Here Posts: 1,731 7 1,505 hugs given	Nov 14, 2019 at 02:09 AM #423 Say something. Why are you always silent? Possible trigger: I want you to told me that I'm hopeless and should kill myself. I'm so tired. I don't want to cope anymore. I'm done.

jrae Grand Member Member Since Jun 2008 Location: WYLTK Posts: 766 15 410 hugs given	Nov 14, 2019 at 04:08 AM #424 I have my appt with you next week and I'm thinking about it. what's the point of even saying ANYTHING to you - if we can't meet again for 6 weeks?!?! you won't remember what I say by then anyways. and h**l, I could've had surgery in that time too.....

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,698 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Nov 14, 2019 at 02:14 PM #426 Possible trigger: YouTube "It's crazy when The thing you love the most is the detriment Let that sink in You can think again" I have emailed saying that Im going to stick with the session on the 19th. but I know I can live without you. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

kaleidoscopeheart Member Member Since Apr 2017 Location: Parts Unknown Posts: 333 7 77 hugs given	Nov 14, 2019 at 04:01 PM #428 Dear T, I know I am not supposed to let the hurt feelings or sadness take over anymore, but I don't know how to do that. Maybe you can give me some pointers in my next session.... :P

SummerTime12 Grand Member Member Since Mar 2013 Location: USA Posts: 876 11 601 hugs given	Nov 14, 2019 at 04:47 PM #429 I hope you email back soon. I’m trying not to do anything stupid, but admittedly not trying as hard as I could.

SummerTime12 Grand Member Member Since Mar 2013 Location: USA Posts: 876 11 601 hugs given	Nov 14, 2019 at 06:06 PM #430 I’m too scared to talk to anyone else because I don’t want to be sent to the hospital, but I think you’re busy because you haven’t replied. I don’t really know what to do. I can’t bring myself to reach out to anyone, so hopefully you check your email soon.

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,744 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Nov 14, 2019 at 06:33 PM #431 Dear T, I kept thinking about the "needy" thing. Your saying you'd let me know while any neediness from me was still a tiny monster. Why is it a monster at all? What's wrong with needing you? You've already said I might not have any trees... LT

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Nov 14, 2019 at 09:27 PM #437 I wish I hadn't texted you that link. That was an impulsive move on my part and I can't remember what I was thinking. I don't want to talk to you, have no intention of doing so, so why did I do that? __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold

Polibeth Poohbah Member Since Jun 2014 Location: Earth Posts: 1,193 9 2,235 hugs given	Nov 14, 2019 at 09:58 PM #438 You wrote me such a nice email. I'm really glad that you checked on me since I have been so sick and missed two appointments. Thank you.

kumy Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2019 Location: hanging from a cloud Posts: 3,002 4 192 hugs given	Nov 15, 2019 at 07:24 AM #439 I'm not ok, T, and I'm starting to question whether you are the right T for me. You don't seem to get so many things and I really suck at putting them into words.