Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I love you. But I don't want to see you tomorrow. I want to cut and run, because I don't see how this ever gets resolved. And it would be a hell of a lot less painful than last time. It really doesn't matter if I tell you I love you. I know that. It's not even really about you.

Dear stupid therapy center,

I contacted you for help with PTSD but you said you can't help me because you don't have anyone who works with the autistic population. I'm sure I could find a professional who works with the autistic population but I doubt they will know anything about PTSD so I don't really see a point in calling them. So am I supposed to just see nobody then? What a stupid center you are for not including people. It's individual therapy so it's supposed to be individualized anyway yet you still expect me to fit into some stupid box. Ugh, I hate having multiple diagnoses.

-Butterfly

i wish I could honestly tell you how bad/tough things have gotten now

also wish I could tell you about my ptsd (one part) and what that's been doing to me lately

I cancelled. I feel better. Kind of.

I just love you so much

Now I feel worse.

Dear T,
Thanks for today’s extra session. Some of the things you said—like it being your responsibility to help me with the drinking, how it’s something we’re going through together—meant a lot. And I appreciate what you clarified at the end, too. I think it was productive, both in terms of how to work on my drinking and regarding the therapeutic relationship in general.
Love,
LT

How strange those reviews have disappeared. A few more bad ones , maybe ? No one likes the truth.

Oh my gosh. Why do I want to talk to you right now? I just want to sit in your swivel-y chair and swivel back and forth and just talk to you about how much I hurt right now.

Dear former T. Okay, I know you have NO obligation to email me, but would you please email me back. Please please please.

You seemed taken aback that I don't think you are nice all the time. Seemed like you had some black and white thinking going on there too when you asked me what you've said that was mean. Just because someone's not being nice doesn't mean they are being mean. Like I told you, I don't see niceness as the default state.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, though. I don't see it as a criticism that niceness isn't the first thing I think of when I think of you. I think niceness is overrated, anyway.

Also, I don't know why I almost started crying at that one thing. I felt stupid and weirdly sentimental or something. I hadn't known I felt like that and it was upsetting.

Also I can't believe you won't see me the first day you come back to work after your Christmas vacation. I should get first dibs on all appointment times because I'm selfish and idgaf about other clients.

Thank you for several things you said. Just thank you. I feel a tiny kernel of relief. As much relief as I can given the situation. That means everything to me.

Did you know I didn’t want our session to end today? It has been the only thing keeping me going.

How can you be so kind and compassionate with me? I'm nothing...not worthy of your help. You understand me so well. I wish I could have a hug.

Thank you for inviting me to reach out. I have scheduled an email for Tuesday morning.

I don’t want to share anything with you. Speaking grounds it in reality.

When I tell you about finalizing my last will and you don’t ask questions or ever follow up, that hurts. When you snapped at me when I reacted to your negative countertransference, then you lied about it, it was like a repeat of my childhood trauma. When I admitted I’ve started restricting food intake and losing weight quickly for the first time in my life as a slow, torturous form of self harm/sui because I feel I need to be punished for triggering you, and you responded by saying you weren’t gonna try to stop me, it makes me feel like you don’t care if I die. When a supposed trauma expert is getting paid to treat me like this, it solidifies my feelings of worthlessness. When all logic suggests I should leave the relationship and other professionals suggest the same, but I can’t because of traumatic attachment and because you had a big negative reaction when I was hesitant to come to a session once because of this stuff, I feel trapped. When you say you’ll respond to my email on a specifically agreed upon day but don’t, I wishfully check my email all day in anticipation, then cry myself to sleep at midnight, alone and empty-handed. I feel like this is how disorganized attachments and personality disorders are made. I wish you sought supervision, and I wish you’d tell them the truth so they could help both you and us.

@HowDoYouFeelMeow?

I read this quote from another poster, "no therapy is better than bad therapy."

Your T should not be snapping at you.
You're not responsible for managing your T's feelings and don't deserve to be punished.

I hope you can stay safe.

I’m guessing your telling me to stockpile on chocolate while I’m dealing with PMS because you do it yourself? I’m going to take your advice though when I go to the store tomorrow.

Love you