[goatee]

Just wondering how everybody would handle the session after your therapist doesn’t respond to an email where you were clearly distressed and struggling. I don’t really know what to do. I feel very hurt and ignored and so upset. But it’s not good timing to have a thing with my T. But I’m very upset. But I also can’t seem to bring up anything where I tell my T I’m upset directly. I’m scared I’m just going to be stiff and closed off. Ugh, I don’t know. Just wondering what others have done and how it has gone. Thanks.

[just2b]

Happens to me all the time. She allows email but wont respond. Same with text. I will send an email and hope for a reply only to never get one. It angers me often. Learned to be okay though

[seeker33]

That is a frustrating and painful situation! It's natural you feel that way. What about writing her a letter about how you feel and let her read in the session?

With certain T's I've had in the past who allowed email communication in-between sessions, I rarely got a response right away, but I almost always got a response a few days later. During the times I didn't get a response, we discussed the email at our next session. I think the main point in email communication isn't for crisis intervention, but rather for communication that brings up stuff outside the therapy room that is too difficult sometimes inside the therapy room - that is, until you discuss the email at your next session. Waiting for replies is really hard, and that's an unrealistic expectation that should be addressed or reaffirmed throughout your therapeutic relationship. For instance, a realistic expectation would be that your therapist will read your emails at least before your next session and then process those emails with you. I think that a realistic expectation is that on occasion, your therapist might have time to reply back before your next session, but will not always have the time to do so. Another realistic expectation is that emails are not meant to be substitutions for crisis intervention, especially if a session was really difficult and you're having a hard time coping with the after-effects of the session. Although a realistic expectation would be that your therapist be aware of the difficulty of your session or specific treatment and therefore put safety protocols in place, which may have been stated earlier on in your treatment, but maybe not reiterated repeatedly so that you are aware and don't forget, the typical stock answer to any crisis is to call 9-1-1, go to your nearest emergency room, or call a hotline for help. Other options for coping with crises include calling a trustworthy and safe friend/loved one, attending a support group, using self-care strategies, using containing strategies, using grounding techniques, using distraction techniques (e.g., watching a movie, doing artwork, journaling, writing more emails - whatever those boundaries are - to your therapist (that is, if you're allowed more than one or two emails in between sessions), doing homework assigned by your therapist (such as a workbook or a journal or a CBT record), etc. If you're new in treatment and don't have those tools yet, it would be great to explain your treatment options with your therapist at the next session coupled with your distress after the last session and/or after sharing in an email in between sessions. The hardest part is getting through the week from one session to the next sometimes. I've been there. The hardest part is not seeing the good in the people and things around you, in addition to your therapist, because your therapist is only one person and is not easily available in between sessions. Another option is to see if your sessions could end on a more positive note, or if there is some debriefing time that can be allotted at the end of a session, depending on whether that means a longer session that costs more money or whether your insurance would cover a time-and-a-half or double-session since it is often hard to get going in therapy during the first 30 minutes, and the last 20 to 30 minutes is always the heaviest, it seems. All these things can be explained at your next session. And while you would rather jump right into your symptoms and bypass the explaining of treatment options and all that, so that you're not perceiving a wasted session on treatment explanations, as opposed to actually diving into your issues, it is worth it sometimes to take a break and revisit what treatments are working, how the treatment so far is affecting you, whether there are other options available for your care, and what you can do in the meantime. The scariest part is when a therapist hears all this and then starts "taking things away" like your emails in between sessions; I've had that happen to me when I disclosed how hard it was at some point in my recovery to deal with that. I felt it would have been better to keep the emails but to instead give me tools and, when ready, to taper the emails off instead of abruptly stopping it. It's almost like a rescinding of privileges for being open and honest about the emails whenever therapists give and take like that - almost like a form of behavioral therapy, but the negative reinforcements are often perceived as punishments and make the trust in being open with the therapist compromised. But even if that were a risk of disclosing how you feel, it is still worth being open and honest with your therapist so that your therapist can understand what you're going through and hopefully utilize their skills in finding better ways to help you. Ideally, that would be the case. Sometimes, it's not, and that is when termination might be a consideration, or when ruptures occur between the therapist-client dyad. Sometimes therapists offer more than they can give too soon, and when they take such things away or change their behaviors and no longer respond to emails in between sessions or at the next session, it becomes problematic because then therapy isn't consistent, and a lack of consistency feels unsafe for anyone - unless the change in consistency is a good and positive change for the client. If you have a hard time discussing all this in your session, perhaps writing it down and reading it off of your written down journal in your next session will help start the process of opening up while in therapy. More often than not, however, your therapist is probably inundated with work and has read your email; more often than not, your therapist does care and is planning your next treatment based on your last session and what you wrote in the email, which may take time and planning before your therapist can respond. It's scary to wait and not know what is going to happen, but you can get through this! The trick is trying to fill your time in between sessions with something that is comforting, enjoyable, and/or supportive every day between sessions. --This is a lot to chew, but I thought I'd just share all of these tips on what got me through when I was in similar positions as both of you who shared here.

[sarahsweets]

Does your T normally respond to email?

Having at that receives my emails with as much integrity as she does me in person. I'd hate that style of T.
I told T once that she responds in the most comforting way.
This in itself helped built my trust in her.
I wish every T had been trained by mine. But then it comes down to personalities too. Some are better at the job then others.

fact

[Lonelyinmyheart]

This happened with 2 of my past ts all the time. With one, I wrote a letter outlining how I felt about her not responding to the email and read it out in session. If you do this, it's best if you don't assume your T will then reply to all emails as my T still didn't. The letter just served as a way to let her know how her non response left me feeling. It is really hard when you don't get a reply, I know. It hurts.

[MoxieDoxie]

Ask for clear and upfront rules regarding emails and what can be expected from the therapist so you are not disappointed in the future. Come to a compromise you can live with. Maybe suggest that you will say upfront in the email you need a reply or you are just venting and letting off steam and it can wait until next session.

[Rive.]

Some Ts don't do email and/or out of session contact.

Did your T said you could reach out by email if you were struggling? Text? Call? I would check our their 'policy' on this.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Honestly, if I was seriously distressed, I picked up the phone to speak to my T directly. Email wasn't an option, and more than that, I needed to actually speak to my therapist if I was in that state; I needed an actual conversation that I didn't have to wait for a response for and then risk my words not being clear, his words not being clear, etc.

[nottrustin]

Usually, I would walk into my next appointment angry and guarded. She would end up apologizing and explaining that she had been so busy with family or whatever that she forgot to check her work number. She told me from the beginning that she is not always the best at it however she still wants me to reach out if I need to. Sometimes she responds very quickly other times, it may take a couple of days.

[WishfulThinker66]

Have you had a conversation about communication outside of sessions. Has an understanding been made about the manner in which it is acceptable to do so? Have boundaries and limits been set? It sounds like you are operating on the notion that people are obligated to respond to you. This is not the case - especially in the bounds of a professional relationship. I would never send a text or email to my own psychologist. However, I am permitted to make calls to her office on an emergency basis. She will return the call as her time permits. I have been on the phone with her in some instances for an hour or more. Of course, however, she charges for a session in such cases.

[Salmon77]

Originally Posted by goatee

Just wondering how everybody would handle the session after your therapist doesn’t respond to an email where you were clearly distressed and struggling. I don’t really know what to do. I feel very hurt and ignored and so upset. But it’s not good timing to have a thing with my T. But I’m very upset. But I also can’t seem to bring up anything where I tell my T I’m upset directly. I’m scared I’m just going to be stiff and closed off. Ugh, I don’t know. Just wondering what others have done and how it has gone. Thanks.

I think you should tell your T exactly what you wrote in this post: you feel hurt and ignored and upset. Even if her email policy is already clear, those are your feelings and they are important to discuss.

If she does not plan to respond to emails (or if she can't always), maybe you could talk about other ways that you can cope when you're struggling or other people you might be able to reach out to.

[maybeblue]

I negotiated between session email contact with my therapist. Email happens to be her prefered means of being contacted. I have other therapists who prefer texts or just voicemails and then just in emergencies. What we came up with was that I can email as much as I want, and see will respond within 24 hours unless I indicate in the first line or two that it is urgent, and then she will respond faster. And her responses to my non-emergency emails are pretty minimal..."thanks for telling me that, I'm looking forward to talking to you about it on Monday," or something like that. If it gets to be a LOT of emails that she needs to respond to, or if she has to call and talk to me for half an hour, then she charges me. Sometimes she doesn't respond in 24 hours, and then frankly I call her out on it...politely. She agreed to the boundaries.

But that isn't going to work with all therapists. They might not have time or like to do a combination of talk and email therapy. Either way though you should talk about it. "I emailed you and you didn't respond. I felt abandoned and hurt. I understand you are busy and sometimes it's hard to respond and I still felt hut. I wonder if there is a better way to contact you in a crisis."

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I negotiated between session email contact with my therapist. Email happens to be her prefered means of being contacted. I have other therapists who prefer texts or just voicemails and then just in emergencies. What we came up with was that I can email as much as I want, and see will respond within 24 hours unless I indicate in the first line or two that it is urgent, and then she will respond faster.....She agreed to the boundaries.

But that isn't going to work with all therapists. They might not have time or like to do a combination of talk and email therapy. Either way though you should talk about it.......

You have illustrated perfectly the point that a discussion need be had regarding methods of communication outside and between session. You know exactly where you stand and have set expectations that are reasonable to both of you. Kudows to you for having such a discussion. I bet you feel better too.

[SlumberKitty]

I don't know if you have talked to your T about yours and their expectations regarding out of session contact. Some T's will read emails and not respond, some respond sometimes, some respond most of the time. I had one T that allowed out of session contact and I learned to be pretty upfront if I was looking for a response. She didn't always respond as quickly as I would have liked, but she did respond if I asked her to. Perhaps your T didn't know you were looking for a response, or your T plans to discuss it in session? HUGS Kit