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Iamher3
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 05:07 PM
  #1
I see my T biweekly. Due to tight budget and scheduling.

Am i wrong to expect that he will remember my history, my issues like he would for regular clients?

I pay out out of pocket so it is a lot of money from my side.

I used to excuse his forgetfulness thinking i see him twice a month. Must be hard to remember.

I am thinking otherwise now.

I feel like a low priority client when he asks me to remind him some very basic key facts.
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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 07:46 PM
  #2
I also see my therapist biweekly and pay out of pocket. She also has a terrible memory and I have to remind her of basic stuff (although she remembers the oddest things). It doesn't help I have an excellent memory and expect hers--well, almost everyone else's--to be better than it is.

I've been doing biweekly with her for about 18 months after starting weekly. The forgetfulness drove me bonkers, but I've adapted (it helped she was equally forgetful on a weekly basis). I often pre-emptively toss out a few keywords when starting a new subject and it seems to help her.

I don't think you're wrong to expect that he should remember stuff. But whether he will or can remember stuff is a different issue.

Forgetfulness isn't deliberate and you shouldn't let it make you feel low priority. Lack of focus is a choice, though. If it's not just forgetfulness but lack of focus on his part I'd make an issue of it.
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Default Oct 11, 2019 at 02:16 PM
  #3
Thank you for such a thorough response.
It has shifted my thinking.

He has gone out of the way for me and i should not be thinking so negatively of him.

No ones perfect.
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Default Oct 11, 2019 at 04:53 PM
  #4
You are a regular client. Not everyone goes to therapy weekly. If you have seen him for awhile he should still be able to remember stuff. Also, I think you can like and appreciate someone and still be very annoyed by some of his behaviors. I don't expect my therapists to remember names of people that I talk about, probably because I'm bad at names myself, and it's not like they have met them. So I provide cues when I'm talking: "my friend x, she's the one who..." But I do think they should remember basic facts, like I'm married, with no kids and that I'm going to graduate school, etc. If I had a therapist that I saw more than a couple times who didn't remember that, I'd make him a cheat sheet and hand it to him and say something like, "I notice you always forget these things, so maybe you could have this handy when you see me."
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Default Oct 13, 2019 at 11:21 AM
  #5
I think it's totally reasonable to expect your T to remember your history, context, and what you're working on. If they struggle with that (which they might, they're human!) they should get in the habit of reviewing their notes right before your session or early in the day before they see you.

Seriously, it's not hard to take 2-3 minutes to open up the notebook, scan through the notes, see what was discussed at the last appointment, and re-create the context from there.

I try to have reasonable expectations (even if you go weekly, or 2x/week) for remembering details, because not everyone is wired for that. I get it. But, broad context and general issues - yeah - they need to find a way to remind themselves.

And, I'd feel the same way - I think most people would! I'd feel that I wasn't important enough, or worth remembering, or that T just didn't care. I'd find it hurtful!

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Default Oct 13, 2019 at 12:51 PM
  #6
People vary in how their long- and short-term memory works, what sorts of things they tend to recall effortlessly and what needs more conscious work and extra attention. For example, I have a very good memory for complex things, context, processes etc but quite terrible with names or even faces. I usually do not expect a lot of specific things, do not associate others' memory with how important I am and don't mind giving reminders - to a degree. I do expect a therapist to remember a basic narrative, otherwise what is the point of going multiple times/regularly?

My first T seemed to have pretty bad memory and I think he did not keep proper notes either (my conclusion based on how he deflected when I requested to see the notes once). Some of it was quite annoying, especially when he actually seemed to remember stuff about me that I never said - must have confused with someone else, or just made up, not sure. It wasn't his poor memory that bothered me much though but his sloppiness and lack of effort to do it better by making notes, even about our schedule. It happened three times that I canceled a session days in advance via email or text, he acknowledged it, but then called me on the day, during my usual session time to ask where I was.

I think it is fair enough to expect that we pay to develop stories, not to repeat the same things over and over. If a T has a really poor memory of spoken things, I think they should organize their schedule in a way that they have sufficient time between clients to make useful notes, not just the minimum formal documentation. If they just schedule clients back-to-back to make more money but don't recall what's being said, it is not good practice. I also don't think it is an excuse how often they see a client, they should be just as responsible for any kind of work they take on.
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