Transference toward therapist

Hi there, first time posting.

So I lost my Dad in March and I had talking therapy with EMDR with a female therapist who was old enough to be my mother. Became very attached to her and she once hugged me and stroked my hair when I was upset. When therapy ended feelings intensified and I cant stop thinking about her its an obsession.

One evening I was so desperate to see her I turned up at her office and asked to see her. I was a little drunk and told her how I was feeling. I asked her if she had a Daughter and that I couldnt stop thinking about her etc. I was very upset.

She ended the conversation by saying I couldnt have contact with her as I was experiencing transference issues and it would be best practice for me to see someone else.

I am heartbroken. I feel like I have been abandoned. Being punished for being honest, feel worse than I did that night. Its affecting me & I feel so depressed. I am so gutted i cannot see her anymore. Just wanted to vent on here really. I dont expect anyone to have any answers.

Sorry to hear about your dad but also that this therapist did not have the skill set to help you through your transference issues. Not all Ts are trained in this area.

I guess she was also out of her depth when you came to her office, unannounced, and drunk.

It might be worth exploring her idea of working through this with another therapist. Otherwise, work, friends, distraction might help... with time.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Transference is very common in therapy and is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. A good therapist would accept your feelings and work with them to understand what is driving them - usually it's some unmet need in childhood that is arising and the therapy can then explore this. So transference is actually vitally important in therapy but sadly a lot of therapists can't deal with it, either because they're not experienced enough or they haven't worked through their own issues enough and they freak out. Your therapist should also have been able to gently set some boundaries with you rather than reject you, but persumably she felt unable to cope with the situation, which isn't your fault. I'm so sorry you've had this experience but please don't be put off because a good therapist will accept your feelings and help you deal with them. I hope that in time you may feel able to return to therapy but in the meantime as Rive said, maybe turning to friends or some good healthy distractions may help.

I am sorry that was your experience. I try to put myself in other peoples shoes to understand things better. I cannot say for sure how my T would handle this as we haven’t gone through this exact thing. I know he welcomes transference good or “bad” as a chance to work through something. My T is very nurturing and has held me and we hug regularly. Where I see my T having a problem would be 1. Me being drunk (even a little) and 2. Coming outside of my designated time. I can see T taking my car key and telling me that someone needed to come for me right away, offering to call a cab or if I did not cooperate calling the police on me. Other than insisting I safely leave as soon as possible I do not see him engaging in a conversation with me but firmly stating it will be discussed next session. If it happened a second time I am not sure if he would just call the police or if he would refer me out. I know it would be very upsetting for him but ultimately he would put his own well-being and the ellbeing of his clients above my “need” to see him outside of establish d boundaries. As super warm and fuzzy as he is with me I know there is a very firm side to him as well.

I think the consequence, or punishment as you say, is not so much a result of being honest but of your other actions. Going to your ex-therapist's office drunk and asking to see her suggests significantly lowered inhibitions and impulsiveness. You acknowledge yourself that you have an obsession. When obsession, lowered inhibitions, and impulsivity collide, it is a recipe for disaster. I don't think she could have agreed to work with you again knowing all that was at play.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I to think my t would probably do the same thing. She could of handled it to where you two could of met afterwards to see if she could help you still or refer you to someone else. I know some t's do not understand transferance. Some t's are good and willing to work with you through it. Please do not let this discourage you from finding another t to work with you, there are lots of good t's out there. Hugs.

I'm sorry that happened to you, I don't think some t's really understand how intense and painful these feelings can be.

A solid transference is the basis of productive therapy. I suspect that going to her office, drunk, is what crossed her boundaries. I feel bad for you...it's hard to take, but she doesn't sound like the best therapist for you.