Couch 206: The Hersilia Couch

I am feeling less anxious about the controller's visit though. I think that's good. She's very caring in her emails to me and she always tells me I am doing a good job. I need to just not be anxious and just look forward to the visit. Anxiety can be such a pain in the rear!

T had an opening tomorrow, so seeing him to discuss my revelations--may cancel one of next week's sessions to make up for it, but I feel this is a rather important breakthrough (so maybe I cancel one the week after instead!)

I saw my sisters soon to be ex walking around with his girlfriend last weekend at the outlet mall.

Just needed to plant that somewhere.

PS-she looks like trash.

Thanks for riding in my pocket, couchies! Whew! It's over. It went welI, better than I'd feared it would. I told her as I walked in that I had been driving around for an hour deciding if I was going to come or not. She laughed and said she didn't have any doubts that I would. She actually said it for me as we both sat down, something like "here we are for the last time. I get it, you're cooked!" And that she had wanted me to come today to process that a little. So we did. She mentioned my whole back And forth thing and I told her honestly I'm tired of it, how exhausting it is, etc. We reviewed our journey together overall. For the last 10 minutes or so we just kinda chatted a little about life in general, I told her how much I have appreciated her, I paid then we walked to the door and she said "one last hug" and we hugged for longer than usual. As I walked to my car I turned around and we both waved goodbye and said "happy trails". I feel a humongous sense of relief at stepping off the merry go round. Terminating with her was the right thing to do. Like you said LT, I needed to know that in my head or however you said it. Not the "just take a break and come back when you're ready to commit again" thing.

And when i am ready to re-engage in therapy (I know I am not done) I have a short list of other t's to interview.

eta: almost forgot. a funny little aside: I wore an all-black outfit today. she said "You're wearing my color. Was that intentional?" I laughed and said yes and pointed out how she was actually wearing a bit of color for once (a blue blouse, but black pants as usual) (she really could take a lesson from Info in how to dress haha!)

The energy in the room was soooo very different than it was last week... thankfully.

Grouchy old fluffy cat must miss formerly fat cat. He keeps following me around, wanting to be picked up. Then put down. Then picked up. And etc.

He even stretched out in my lap earlier while I was trying to write my final. He's not much of a lap-sitter, too restless. But he just settled on down with his head on my wrist, which made it impossible to type. Either he's lonely, or he's figured out another way to torture me by making it impossible for me to get anything done.

Art, I'm glad your session went well. It sounds like a much better way to end than what happened last week. It's good that she understood you were ready to leave and wasn't trying to convince you to keep coming back. Hope you can find some peace in the ending.

That made me go "aww on the inside".

4 year olds are awesome.

I was supposed to see R today at my normal time of 12.50am.

Think he took my I'm not coming to session email seriously.

I'm glad it went well and you could leave it how you wanted to.

I'm sorry it didn't go well.

What time are you you meeting?

I hope today's session goes well.

I'm glad he had an opening, I'm sure it will be helpful to be able to discuss those revelations while they are still so fresh!

Thanks Lemon. I'm glad I'm as stubborn as she is and made myself go yesterday and that she apparently worked out her own 'stuff' about me leaving so that we could have a civilized ending.

I hope you're able to talk to him soon if you still want to.

Thanks, LT. I felt like she really did get it after that long-winded pathetic email I sent her last week. She said it wasn't pathetic, haha and maybe it wasn't, I think I'm starting to see it as something more along the lines of painfully honest. Just before I paid yesterday she asked how I felt in my body, and I realized that I felt calm. A feeling of completeness. It was a good feeling, so the opposite of last week.

Artie it sounds like even T recognizes this relationship has to end. Something good can come of it. When T1 and T2 relationships ended I was sad, relieved and all over the shop but then I found current T and I'm glad the other relationships ended.

This back and forth may be preventing something good from happening. I hope you find your good (whether that is in therapy or elsewhere)

I have no idea what to talk about in session today.

Thanks Jane. I think she does, too. The whole vibe in there yesterday was just so different from last week that I'm positive she did some reflecting about what happened last week. At the moment I am still nothing but relieved to be off the merry go round/roller coaster/whatever I had myself on but I am sure sadness and missing her will hit me at some point. I'll be fine though. Because I went back yesterday I feel like I am now holding onto all the good stuff from our relationship instead of what I was left with last week.

Can you do something creative like draw or play with play dough or something? Sometimes doing something with my hands would get me talking somehow. Or just start with "I don't know what to talk about..." and see where it goes?