What is going on in my head?? TW

Sorry, I don't know how to put things in the trigger warning box...but TW for SI

I don't know what is going on with me right now. It's like I'm stuck in my head. I've never felt suicidal before but recently I spend a good chunk of my day laying on my couch thinking about finishing off my bottle of Zoloft and/or heading for a cliff. I'm not actively suicidal, I wouldn't do it, I have plenty to live for. But, I can't shake these thoughts. And I have so much anxiety over discussing them in therapy because I'm always afraid I'm over reacting. I'm just venting I guess..I don't know what I want :/

I have many for the same thoughts regularly. The sole reason I joined PC was because I was just done but wanted to give life every opportunity, so I signed up. PC helps me a lot. It's good to interact with and get support from folks with similar experiences and feelings. People get it. So. that's good.

Do you have a therapist at present or a pdoc? Are they aware of what is happening with your thoughts? They probably should be. It's possible your pdoc may want to tweak your meds, for example. If you are having these kinds of thoughts and you are anxious discussing it, I would say that makes you a human. This is stressful stuff. You're not defective because you feel that way.

Personally, what has helped me the most with my SI has been interacting here on PC with other similar people. I don't feel as alone when I'm here and I feel like my experience is understood. It's very comforting. I have few friends or family, but I have people here who help me and are there for me. Just a thought.

That said, your providers can't help you if they don't know what's going on with you. I really think you should try to open up about this to him/her/them, so they can try to develop a game plan with you for how to attack this thing. Sending positive vibes and prayers your way!!

You aren't over-reacting. SI is a problem in and of itself. It's also a message that you probably need to talk to someone about it, especially since you haven't had these thoughts before now. But it isn't uncommon at all. You should absolutely talk to your therapist about it as soon as you can. She or he won't be freaked out about it. But your therapist can probably help you figure out why it's happening now. As far as what to do now, try not to focus on the thoughts too much. When they come in, acknowledge them, but then gently turn your attention to something else. They can get a little addicting. Also, when my thoughts get too loud I call a hotline. That gets me out of my head and makes me feel less isolated. If you describe it like you did just now, that you wouldn't do it, that they are just thoughts they will still be glad to talk to you, but they won't call the cops on you or anything like that.

Thanks. Yes, I do have a T and a pdoc. I overthink things. I don't feel like I have any reason to be thinking these things. And I think "surely everyone have these thoughts. It's totally normal". And then I stress and freakout that I'm overreacting to nothing!

I use to walk to work having visions of just walking in front of a bus.
Every day I had this thought.
It's only years of therapy that's stopped that.
It's not unusual topic to bring up in therapy

I'm sorry... I have thoughts like that too, and it can be sort of unreal and stressful.

Is there anything you can do to sort of... switch your mood? I'm not saying to ignore it, minimize it, or pretend to be happy - just that, from my experience, sometimes what helps is to do something (either more physically active, or something that accomplishes something visible in the world - like cleaning!, or something that engages my brain differently) - sometimes these things will help shift me to a little bit of a better place, and break up the otherwise "stuckness" of thinking about it.

For me:
- Cleaning - like cleaning the bathroom, or doing dishes. Something where there's a noticeable, visible change. Sometimes helps (I feel productive and get weirdly a little more energized).

- Engaging with something interesting - Ted talks? Books you enjoy? TV shows/movies that are comforting to you and where you feel really connected to the characters?

- Getting out of the house - go for a walk, go to the gym, go to the grocery store and make small talk with the person checking you out.

- Obviously, posting here or in other online forums can help too, engage with other people, reply to their threads, etc.

*hugs* I hope you feel better soon!