Unsure re: new T

I met with the new T, early Friday morning. (Too early for me, but that's all he had available.)

I just don't know.

On the one hand - I think he's better than a lot of the other Ts I've seen. He seemed very thoughtful and calm, and had a few interesting things to say.

On the other hand...

My biggest thing right now is that I really need help with practical, real-life stuff. I'm so incredibly stressed b/c I can't figure out how to manage my life. Simple decisions (i.e. replacing a broken purse) take *forever* and feel like torture, bigger decisions are causing me problems, I feel like I'm spending all of my time on "life maintenance" chores and missing out on my actual life. And I don't know what I'm doing with my job/career - my current job is killing me, it's become so incredibly depressing and makes me feel stupid and not valued, but I'm struggling with where to go and what to do next.

In short, everything is hard.

But, I don't know if he got that. For a first session, I understand, he's trying to get context and background and understand the big picture. But, he left me with homework to think about how I... "keep people at a distance" and "reasons you might want to have someone close".

Ughhghghg. I don't know, but it sounds like he's setting up to go down the route of "let's work on getting more people in your life, you crazy hermit-girl!"

I think that's a great, worthwhile, valid goal. But... not yet. Because I'm over-stressed with the things I have to do *now* - until I can handle all the normal, day-to-day stuff easier, I don't have the room in my life, energy, or time to try to bring in more people. That's really clear to me.

I don't know. I just wanted to express this somewhere, I guess. The next appointment is supposed to be Thursday, and I'm thinking of canceling. This stuff seems like someone (a therapist) *should* be able to help, but I don't know... maybe it's too practical, not emotional/relational enough to be in their wheelhouse?

Has anyone ever had a therapist help work through practical, day-to-day stuff like this? I'm old enough that I feel like I should have this stuff down, but... I clearly don't, and it's causing me lots of stress and wearing me out.

Thanks!

It sounds like you know what you need, I think sometimes they go the " You need this " route because they think they know best. Maybe give it another go and see how you feel , or state that you need what you need clearly and see what the response is.

A therapist should be able to talk to you about practical every day stuff, but he is probably trying to look for deeper issues. Like are you having problems with day to day stuff because you are depressed?

I wouldn't quit after one session though. He seems to have some good traits. But I would write down what you said here. You aren't ready to go looking for friends. That's just adding another layer of things to manage in your life. Right now you need to talk about the little things that are overwhelming you and maybe find a plan to tackle them. And maybe also talk about the big thing which is your job.

Have you considered a life coach instead of a therapist? Actually, you could do both, coach for the practical stuff, therapist for the longer-term stuff if you feel you need that, too.

Exactly my thoughts as well. Or perhaps an occupational therapist - those tend to focus on practical things and functionality and might be equipped betetr to give useful tips than psychotherapists.

I had the same issue though with Ts - it wasn't so much emotional things I would have needed/wanted help with but better discipline, breaking bad habits and putting more effort in managing practical things better. I also got annoyed several times when the Ts wanted to dig into my relationships too much, for example - I had no issues with those but it's an area most of them are very interested in. I often went on many routes of distraction and it really derailed my therapy. At the same time, they really did not provide much help regarding my addiction, for example - that was a much bigger issues and priority than anything else in my life, actually caused most of my other problems as well, including high anxiety and depression.

I understand your frustration - surely poor discipline and time management has emotional elements (e.g. regarding motivation), but these things cannot be resolved simply by talking and dealing with feelings better, they requite practical action and change. If you think the T has promising features otherwise, I would just not care about that homework and tell him in the next session very clearly what you go to work on specifically and don't want distractions.

On the other hand, if being a hermit is indeed something you would like to change, maybe you could actually focus on multiple things and realize you likely have much more energy and time that you feel, due to anxiety and the overwhelm about not being on top of chores etc properly. This is something I've found very helpful in life: focus can be good, but it is often not necessary to wait with things that are important to me until something else is completed... we can actually miss out on a lot of life with that strategy and also miss an important source of motivation that comes from rewarding activities. Dealing productively with one thing can really generate energy and motivation to deal with another as well, whereas if we only focus on trying to force what does not feel rewarding much (e.g. chores), it'll likely remain a constant struggle. This was actually the core of my problem with addiction and avoidance - I avoided managing and enriching my life, so I sought out unhealthy substitutes, which just made my mental health and everything much worse, including my capacity to complete things.

I still think a T should start with what the client wants though - what you describe is an odd kind of beginning.

Nothing wrong with that! Therapy doesn't have to only delve into the emotional and/or relational. It is, or ought to be, what you/the client needs at any one given moment. If this is what you need, that is absolutely fine.

Sorry, I am not clear if this has been addressed but have you told T that you would like to start small before addressing trying to get more people in your life etc.?

I would explicitly tell them: 'T, I need help with practical thing X, Y, Z...'

Thanks, everyone. I'm still... not sure. It's hard. It's just... everything feels bad, and I don't think I can work on *everything* all at once. My experience is that, to actually make any kind of progress on anything, I've got to prioritize and pick a couple things to work on. Trying to do everything means I get nothing done.

I honestly don't know if I even want to be back in therapy. I really, truly want to get my life on track and *am* depressed, and feeling like I've wasted my entire life. But, therapy hasn't really ever been helpful (but I don't know what else to do!)

I don't know. Everything feels like a mess. Maybe there wasn't enough of a personality match? I felt OK when I was there, talking to him... but I think it was my ability to compartmentalize and look more together than I am... because I felt like a bit of a mess after I left (you know, how all the feelings sort of sneak up and clobber you?)

Out There - Thanks. Maybe... I'm not sure. It's weird... he didn't explicitly SAY "you need this", but ... ugh... his questions sure honed in quickly on relationship stuff. For example, "who do you talk to every day?" - is it actually that bad to not have a person that you talk to every day? I'm an introvert... talking to one person every day sounds a bit... like too much to me!

Maybeblue - Thanks! I am actually, probably depressed. But... ugh. I'd be much less depressed if I could get some of the day-to-day stuff working a little better (my job is a huge issue right now, as it's really undermining any sense of worth/competence that I previously had!) I appreciate your thoughts, and your awesome, succinct summary of how to explain it to him - thank you!

[Here Today] - Thanks for the note about the life coach. I've tried a couple of career coaches in the past, and didn't really get much out of it. I mean, I got a lot of great information based on some testing that I did, but... nothing that actually helped me move forward. (But that also may be part of the problem, I'm more info-focused than action-focused!

Honestly, I don't know what I need! It's not supposed to be this hard, is it?

Do you have any good experiences with life coaches? I'd love to hear if it helped! Thanks!

Xynesthesia2 - Thanks! Interesting that you had the same issue, that's sort of why I was wondering if they're just not trained/set up to help with practical stuff.

It's just... all the practical stuff has to come from somewhere. It still seems like there's therapy-related stuff there. I'm reading "Atomic Habits" right now - and it seems like the kind of stuff that a good T would know about (how to form good habits, break bad ones, and use habits to strengthen the identity that you want for yourself - super cool!)

But, I guess realistically, they don't study stuff like that in school. It's psychology, but not... counseling psychology, maybe?

Thanks for the advice to ignore the homework and go back. I'm still deciding, but it's helpful to see everyone's thoughts... it's a good counter-balance to my crazy brain.

Thanks for the note at the end as well. It sounds like you're saying to not wait until everything is perfect and worked out, before enjoying good things? I don't disagree... but when I look at something "fun" (like going to play board games) - it feels like a huge waste of time when I have a list of 30 other, more important things that I really need to get done. If I could figure out how to get those things done more efficiently, I think it would be more fun (and less stressful) to go do things like "play games" or whatever... maybe?

Rive - Thanks! It was the first session, so honestly, I'm not sure exactly what I said about goals. I tried to be clear, but honestly, I was nervous and it was really early (and I hadn't slept well). So... I'm not sure!

Thanks everyone! You've given me a lot to think about... still processing!

Thanks everyone, for listening and for the great feedback.

I just called and cancelled for this week. I am just SO over-stressed by life stuff right now, really struggling to sort out the practical things, and on top of that, my home phone apparently died in a recent storm.

So, it feels like too much to deal with all that... plus therapy. I'm just... not ready to go down that road again. I may look for someone who specializes in my career counseling, but first, I need to settle a couple of other things and deal with the family trip at the end of the month (ugh).

Thanks! I feel OK about my decision (even though I find having to call to cancel stupidly stressful! )

It is absolutely fine not to be ready to go, guilloche.

You seem to have a lot on your plate already... I see it as good self-care!