Feel Like I'm Being Bullied By Counselors

So I'm a teenager. Almost 17 to be specific. Sadly, I don't go to high school at all. I have a lot of anxiety issues surrounding it. I'm also a minority which always makes school a scarier place. I also have a learning disability, trauma, and other various mental health issues. All of this effects my ability to go to school. It's quite a pile.

Because I'm not going to school, the school has provided me with an intense therapeutic program. It differs from regular therapy. It's pretty much for people who have been in-affected by traditional interventions.

I see a regular therapist once a week. my mom sees a counselor once a week, I see two support counselors 2-3 times a week, and then there's a family meeting every week.

At first I was excited to start the program cause I thought I would feel support but honestly I feel like I'm being bullied by most the team.

The sessions with the therapist are going fine, I actually like him quite a lot. However, I'm constantly bumping heads with the support counselors. Apparently, they think I need more discipline in my life.

They've informed my mom to take away my laptop anytime my room is not clean by a certain time (great expectation for someone with mental health and sleep issues) Even going as far as to threaten remove my bedroom door when I live in a house of about 10 people. And not to be TMI but I'm a teen, I do personal things, and I need my privacy. Not to mention, listening to music is my coping mechanism and my laptop is the only way of doing that. They are taking away my coping mechanism and privacy as punishments.

One of the support counselors (Who's actually the supervisor cause he's training someone new) always makes backhanded comments towards my situation. Whenever I say something along the lines of "I'm bored having nothing to do all day" he'll say something like "You coooould do your schoolwork" sarcastically. I find it so insensitive, my anxiety surrounding school is so real that essentially telling me to just suck it up is like telling a clinically depressed person to just be happy.

He keeps referring to my situation as "A choice" and they tell me I'm being selfish for putting so much strain on my mom. He went into my bedroom without any regards to my permission to see how messy it was. It was really embarrassing. He went back to tell the others counselors how much "Eaten food" there was on my desk and as someone who struggles with eating disorder tendencies that was painful to hear.

I just feel like I'm being constantly degraded. He even judged me because I don't drive myself around or pay for my own stuff when I'm a minor. I feel like I'm being picked on. I mean really, is it fair to put someone down for not driving and paying for their own stuff when they aren't even 18?

They are just making my mental health worse and making 'therapy' feel like an unsafe thing. Just yesterday, I had a dream where I went to my therapist's office and was told he was no longer going to see me because of my behavior. I felt like I had died inside and I have no doubt that this dream was due to how suffocated and insecure the 'support' counselors are making me feel.

Sounds like they're trying to mould you.
My kids have really messy bedrooms. Food discarded etc.
I let them be. Avoid being moulded.

.... And they all grew up fine!
(sorry couldn't edit first post) 🙄

@RainbowSadness

Question: Are you and your family involved in the child welfare system, by any chance? It sounds like you are receiving mandatory assistance from the state, especially if your mom is in counseling and then you all are in family counseling. Are the ten people you're living with foster kids as well, or are they your family members?

It is sad that teenagers your age do not have the same freedoms as those with therapists and independent living conditions do at the age of 18. You have one more year to go before you are age 18, which may seem like forever, but it will eventually come. Have you thought about any plans you might consider when you turn 18? I'm asking that question, just in case you're stuck with your treatment team and have to deal with this for another year.

I know it is hard to have your privacy invaded (threatening of door removal), to feel misunderstood, and to feel straight out insulted. The way they are saying what they are saying sounds harsh and pushy, instead of caring and understanding. Feeling bored and doing homework to alleviate boredom, for a teen struggling with all that you are struggling with, is not an answer you would like to hear (or some adults I know either, to be honest). Although children and teenagers do have an obligation to do schoolwork and attend school, you also have down time that needs to be filled with life skills, social skills, and general fun that most youth have within a functional family. It sounds like you are struggling with a dysfunctional family and a team of professionals who are trying to fix that dysfunction. It's hard when their goals aren't aligned with your goals as a teen who is about to become a legal adult. I'm so sorry you are struggling with that.

I know you may not like schoolwork, and I know it must be really hard for you to focus and concentrate, given all that you've been through, but maybe you can say something to compromise with them, and to help them understand what you're struggling with. And, I know it may be scary to even confront them with some of the things because they might put even more pressure on you. However, it might also turn out better for you if you do communicate your needs.

You can say, for example: "I need you to understand that it is not that I am bored because I have these behavioral issues, it's that my boredom comes from a place of feeling lonely, disconnected from meaningful friendships, disconnected from fun activities that help me to explore my dreams and goals. I can work better on homework, but that is another issue apart from the boredom that I brought up." You can add or change this example, however it fits you. Maybe write down a journal and ask yourself, "What do I mean by boredom? Do I mean that I'm lonely? Do I mean that nothing is really feeling enjoyable for me, but that I want some space to explore fun things for my life and my life's goals? Does it mean something else that I've not addressed here?

Another thing you can say regarding the eating disorder thing: "I feel _____ when you say _____ about my food habits, including where I've left my wrappings, etc. I am reminded about ___(eating disorder)___ when you said _____ to me the other day. Can you rephrase it in a different way so that I can maintain my eating disorder and not feel _____?" You can rephrase this however you feel is most appropriate for you.

On that note, maybe the issue was to clean up your room, and maybe that is a "house rule" that is required. I know it is hard for you when you have low energy and other things you are dealing with. Maybe you can ask some of your housemates to help you, so that you don't get evaluated like this next time they come in. Maybe you can also explain how tired you've been feeling, or why it is hard for you to abide by the rules, and how you are not intending to rebel against them. On that same note, it does get challenging in adulthood when living with roommates, who often have more strict rules than that, so maybe they are trying to prepare you for that. I know this seems harsh, but one little step at a time could help alleviate the feeling overwhelmed with all the tasks you have to do. Maybe set a schedule, and then if you're tired, just alter the schedule a little, and ask the others if you can alter it just a little because your energy levels are low. If they say no, then do whatever you can do to get by. I know it is hard when your freedoms aren't there. But trust me when I say this, your freedoms will be more there with age, and you are so young - you have so much time in the world, but it is hard for you to see that right now.

With schoolwork, sometimes I trick myself into liking a boring or hard topic. To help me remember the boring stuff, I turn it into an anger-bashing, or joke-telling thing. If I have to remember history, for instance, I memorize it by saying "I feel this assignment on ____(history figure, like George Washington, for example)___ is really stupid. I have to memorize the date __(list date here)__ and the stuff that went on ___(list stuff here)__. I hate reading about ___(list the stuff in your textbook or class notes here that pertain to the assignment at hand)___, but I'm doing this stupid thing now...." --You get the drift. Now, DO NOT hand this into your teacher as homework. But write it down as a sort of feeling journal about your homework/slash/preparation for your real homework. Then write it down again in the proper form to turn in. Keep the funny/emotional version for yourself, but turn in the rewritten version. It may seem like "double-work," but it will help you get your feelings out and memorize for upcoming tests while doing homework at the same time. I know that sounds all exhausting, but try just one paragraph and see how that goes. You may find that schoolwork is easier for you than you thought that way. That's what helped me get through college, and no one saw the funny notes except for me. You may actually wind up liking the subject you initially hated, which is also what happened to me.

FINALLY, if there is any way for you to request a different counselor or treatment team, I would. You can go to your mom and ask her to side with you on finding a different treatment team for all of you. Maybe your mom will understand and agree. Maybe she won't. But it is worth trying.

Getting a high school diploma at 18 or 19 (whichever grade you're in) may seem far away, but it really will prepare you for meeting new people and helping you get out in the real world once you're done with school or of age to move out. If moving out is not an option, I can see how that can feel distressing, especially if you don't feel you can work because of your disabilities. There are low-paced jobs that you can explore. Or there are disability options you can discuss with your treatment team, so that you can be independent on disability when you move out at 18 (or 19, if still in high school). It's important to prepare now, and to see your high school diploma as a goal worth going for so that you can move out and be on your own faster. --That is, if you want to move out.

If you don't want to move out, but you want help to deal with everything, then do what you can to communicate your needs and your feelings. Try to understand (or ask your treatment team to help you understand) them, because maybe they aren't trying to be mean or pushy at all, but they are simply saying it in a way that comes off that way to you. The more you communicate with them, the more your treatment team *should* feel like you are engaging in the treatment plan and are working with them; they may change their attitude from your questions and explanations alone.

I hope these help. That's all I have. Others here may have different suggestions, so please don't feel obligated to take my suggestions. Pick and choose what works best for you. You sound like an intelligent young person who is struggling with mental health issues. You do write pretty well for your age, and you articulate well. You seem to have good understanding of what your needs are. I'm really impressed! I believe you will find the answer somewhere to help you. Hang in there. And keep asking for help on these boards. You're bound to find the answers and support you need.

@RainbowSadness

BTW, you mentioned that you're not in school/high school, but you also said something about "schoolwork" later in your post. Are you being home-schooled? If so, my suggestions in my previous reply refer to that. If not, then you can disregard the homework suggestion.

Hi Rainbow,
Your experience sounds similar to mine when I was in Jr High. I went to school but it was all the same kinds of things you are experiencing. I read some of your other posts and it seems like you have a lot going on. I carry a diagnosis of autism although T and I are not sure if it is accurate or not. I do stim. I also have anxiety and a few other things going on. I raised my adopted son who had autism and other mental health issues until he moved out a couple of months ago.
I am uncomfortable with what I am hearing of your experience. I know just like anyone else’s post on here (mine included) we only see one side... but the way you are experiencing this “therapeutic program” upsets and saddens me. Have you shared with the therapist what you are feeling?
Mostly I just want you to know I’m here if you want someone to talk to... who has been on both the teen and parent side of similar situations.

I appreciate your sympathy @Omers. I highly suspect I have autism which probably causes a lot of my social issues. I stim too, I flap my hands and jump around. I hope to get diagnosed sometime in the future. School is such a scary and confusing place and they don't seem to understand that. Not having any friends, not being academically where someone my age should be, navigating classes, etc. It's so overwhelming, I seriously have no idea how most people manage it. It makes me shutdown.

Next time I see my therapist is tomorrow, I hope to share the mistreatment with him however we've only been seeing each other for a few weeks so he's mainly been guiding the sessions. I'll try my best to make sure it gets brought up.

This week they took away all my electronics. Laptop and even broken Ipod. I've secretly been using my school laptop the last few days. A good 60% of websites are blocked by the filter but it's better than nothing. I'm so isolated now. I have no real life friends and now I don't have anyone to talk to online. If I wasn't secretly using my school laptop, I'd literally just be sitting on my bed in my room for days straight doing nothing except for some appointments. That's such a scary thought. I feel like I'm being punished for being disordered and like I'm being bullied into going to school even though my health isn't up for it.

I cleaned my room like they wanted me to but now they're insisting it's not good enough and that I need to do my homeschooling work. I have ADD and the independent work isn't doing the job at all. I got so frustrated I tore the papers up. My brain just wants to scream "Don't you see, I''m unique and this textbook method isn't for me!?". I'm grade levels behind on all my core subjects except literature and I've been left to do them without teacher support.

I hate to use such a strong term but I really feel like I'm being emotionally neglected. I've decided I'm just gonna try to sleep through the 'counseling' appointments because I don't want to be picked on any longer. All they do is tear me down. Always focusing on my 'wrongs' and why they can punish and degrade me. Support counselors, yeah right.

It's nice to hear you went out of your way to take in someone with a disability. He's very lucky to have someone understanding. At the end of the day what really matter is compassion.

Hi, I'm sorry you're in such pain.
I'm glad to hear you've tried and cleaned your room.
I'm very sorry to be blunt, but you seem like a highly intelligent person who's very aware of his rights.

I do believe you suffer. I have cptsd too. I survived civil war in my early childhood. We became refuges. My father is an alcoholic i was bullied between ages 5-15. My mother has been battling leukemia for 7.5years now. I've had a terrible experience in work. I have a genetic eye problem which got worse by medical neglect in childhood. I can see but can't drive. I'm 31 and I've never been in a relationship.

But you know what? I'm in therapy and I'm listening to my therapist and i do my best to improve my life. I got a part time job, i didn't like music but I'm learning to play the piano because my therapist suggests it to heal my brain. I was unable to clean my apartment but since i understood it was a symptom of depression i fought it and i cleaned my environment to prove I'm stronger than my mental illness. The same goes for exercise.

Yes, i still battle with anxiety, but i try to progress. It's slow, two steps forward, one step back.

Are you fighting for your health and better future, too? Or do you feel comfortable with your labels? It's up to you to decide what you want in life.

PS:YOU can use your school laptop to find videos or websites explaining school curriculum you don't understand.

@RainbowSadness

I'd bring up all these issues with your therapist. Please let us know how that goes. Maybe your therapist can request a new treatment team, too.

It bothers me that they aren't giving you the emotional support that you need, and that you may be emotionally neglected. Many youth in foster care and residential treatment settings (i.e., juvenile justice settings in child welfare, whereby the youth is an adjudicated delinquent and is on probation or parole in residential treatment homes in child welfare; cross-over or dual-system youth are what they are often labeled as) do NOT get the emotional support they need, which is sad. There should be a trauma-informed approach to your treatment, which includes both emotional processing (and validation) coupled with a cognitive-behavioral approach to reducing any behavioral misconduct. If you're in one of those settings, it may be that their program requires certain things that aren't required of other youth in traditional homes. It may be that they are really trying to help you, but they lack the emotional support component. It may be that they're not telling you all of the diagnoses that you do have, probably so that you won't be upset by them. It may be that they are treating your delinquencies but not your traumas, or are emphasizing behavioral problems instead of traumatic effects. For instance, if you've run away in the past, were caught being truant (ditching school), or have committed other status offenses such as using a substance underage, then they might be focused on those past behaviors. Also, if you ever got into a fight at school, cheated at school, have stolen from another person, or have bullied another person, then they might be treating all of those behaviors, too. If you've been a victim to bullying at school, neighborhood violence, or maltreatment from your parents, but they aren't aware of those things, then it is important you speak up about that with your treatment team and/or therapist, so they know that it's something that is affecting your behaviors and emotions. It's important to be open and honest with at least your therapist or some adult you trust, so that they can offer you the proper treatment. Otherwise, they will simply go off of any records you may have had coupled with what other adults (third parties) have said. Your voice is important!

And please, don't feel ashamed for making mistakes. We've all been there to one degree or another in our lives. More often than not, your therapist and others know this, but they need to hear whatever it is you haven't told them.

I'm sorry that your efforts for cleaning your room weren't acknowledged, and that you perceived that as not being good enough, or that they may have told you that outright. You at least tried, which is a plus and a step in the right direction.

It's also sad that they're taking away your electronics, as opposed to simply letting you have them with a filter. It is even more concerning that you don't have playmates or downtime where you're socializing with others. You cannot possibly live your life doing chores and schoolwork every single day of your life; you need at least an hour to socialize with family or someone at least ever other day, if not every day. That would be helpful to you. You mention that you'd be bored doing nothing, so it sounds like you have downtime, but it's not guided, nor is it socially rewarding. You sound isolated. None of that makes for a good childhood.

Regardless of your diagnoses, I agree with what another person here said, in that you sound very intelligent, and that you know how to ask for what you need. Sometimes the rules for youth are more strict than the rules we adults make for ourselves, but such is youth - rules. Sometimes rules are easier to follow for some but not others, so that is understandable. Maybe they are missing a diagnosis or two, so you can ask for another evaluation. Maybe your counseling team isn't communicating with your therapist, so maybe they are unaware of your limitations. That's something you can also address with your therapist.

I'd make a list or write down what you shared with us online here and read it to your therapist. Your therapist knows you better than anyone here online could, because we're only reading it and not seeing you in person or understanding the nature of your living conditions completely. The best we can offer are tools we've learned in life and in therapy, coupled with a redirect back to your therapist for more clear and beneficial answers that you're seeking.

You may also have rights to make a formal complaint against your treatment team. They may try to block you, or persuade you not to, but that is an option for you. You can mention many of the concerns you have and see what they say.

I think them wanting to focus on your school work isnt a terrible thing. Do you have a homeschool curriculum with a teacher?

I would also be glad to try and help you with your school work if your filters let you on here. I was lucky in that school work came easy for me... that didn’t stop me from failing a lot of classes and even a grade when teachers didn’t understand me but...

Do you have any interests or hobbies? I know it’s hard when they take everything away. My parents tried that too... they got really crazy with it before they figured out it backfired on them. I am 42 and to be honest my parents still don’t understand. With the help of a couple amazing teachers though I got help, went to college and got out of the house.
I will admit that at 42 some things still haven’t changed. My room is a mess. I am aweful at deadlines and fearful of a lot of “normal” things that require social interactions I don’t know. I have a husband and sometimes he gets it and helps but a lot of times he doesn’t. I also have a very kind and compassionate therapist helping me. Guess what? One of or goals is getting my room cleaned up and we have been on this goal for three weeks. He tells me he is sad that I still live in a messy room AND he smiles and hugs me for each little success... putting the clean laundry away, putting the dirty laundry in the basket...

Keep trying to reach out, there are people out here that get it.

I had discipline issues when I was young even though I never had problems with school. I am sure I would have been mad if the adults around me tried to control me in similar ways, and would probably have refused the influence. When I got older though (in my 30's), I realized how good it would have done to me if my parents, teachers, or any respected adult in my life had taught me some discipline in a way that I could accept - most likely leading by example, not with punishment and deprivation. My parents were responsible people in their own lives and really cared about me, but they never really checked on me or had conversations with me about time management, school/work discipline, not even much self-care. It was kinda taken for granted. Probably because I had no visible issues, was still always on top of my academic work, classes etc - but had horrible, unhealthy, neurotic habits that only escalated later. They really got in the way when I was older and took on a lot of responsibilities, complex work and team management... and it was really not easy to learn and try to cement better habits and a lifestyle that should have been much easier to pick up effortlessly as a teen or young adult. I'm okay now, but still can always tell the difference between myself and other people who clearly have very good habits kinda naturally. Surely, there are all the ideas that many intelligent, creative people tend to struggle with discipline and follow through, and I think there is truth in it... but knowing this does not make life easier to manage. I am saying this because I agree with the other comment that you sound like a very intelligent and self-aware young person. But all the intelligence and creativity in the world won't lead very far if it's not coupled with productivity. I actually think that your therapists are trying to do something useful via forcing you to take care of the practical things around you - saying this because these things really require action. Merely talking in unstructured ways is unlikely to make a big difference. This is also something I've learned from my own life, including my therapy experiences, much older than you are.

So, if I can make any suggestion based on my experiences, it would be to try not to rebel so much and try to follow some of the advice, even if it is not pleasant and feels like bullying, even torture, in the moment. I can kinda guarantee to you that you will not regret later having completed school and obtaining professional qualifications. For me, my education is something I am very grateful for, but I can't tell you how many times I wanted to blow up when I was young (still want to do that with my job periodically), often because I really didn't like following expectations, curriculums and set conventional schedules and wanted to do everything in my own ways. I got there (doing things in my own ways) eventually, and it was much easier to do with some good education and related opportunities. I had a few really excellent mentors throughout my life (usually my teachers, supervisors, but also other kinds) and that was extremely helpful because those people really led by the good example, they did not try to control and direct me. I respected that a lot and listened to them because I found it very valuable. Now, in retrospect, the few years it took to complete my schooling were nothing relative to a life-worth of great freedom.

That's tough. The only thing I can really say is take it one minute at a time. One small task at a time. That is how I handle school projects that I don't want to do. I set a very small goal, meet that goal, then reward myself with a break.