T wants to change appointment time

So I have been seeing my current T for about 4 months now meeting every Tuesday at 5pm. When I contacted her initially I said I would require an after hours appointment and was offered the 5pm slot.

Fast forward to yesterday and my T says she is “struggling” with after hours appointments, meaning she is feeling tired/drained by the time 5pm rolls around. She asked me if I could change to 4pm. I already start my Tuesday workday an hour early so that I have just enough time to catch a train and bus to make our appointment just in time. I said I most likely not be able to do 4pm. The other option is 8am on Friday. This would be better but I would still need to request this change from my boss which I don’t like doing.

T said there is no rush to make a decision and that I don’t have to change my appointment time but in my mind I have no choice because I will feel guilty if I keep the 5pm time. I’m honestly angry that I’ve been put in this position. I’m paying this T to see me at an agreed upon time and her problems shouldn’t have to be my problem. I’m tired too having started work an hour early but I do what I need to do to be there.

I can’t imagine keeping my current time and sitting there the whole time “T has no energy for me and just wants to go home”. 😔 What do you guys think of this situation? Would you be upset?

I would be upset, but I’d also be appreciative of the honesty. I think I’d like my therapist to be as ‘on the ball’ as possible, and if they’re tired and feeling like it’s impacting their work with me, it’d be a concern. You have no reason to feel guilty whatever you choose. I do think you should talk to work and see what they say if you think you can make the earlier slot work for you. I hate therapy before work as I find it difficult to adjust my head ready for work. There’s no good answer really, I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

Yes, I suppose I should appreciate the honesty but I just feel like the relationship has been tainted now. How can I trust this won't happen again? T said that this change doesn't mean she doesn't want to work with me and she would continue to see me but how can I be sure? It probably seems like I am over reacting but it is only because I have been abandoned/let down by countless people (including Ts) in the past.

Yes, I would be upset. I would also understand that T is having a problem with the later time. It's kind of a no win situation. HUGS Kit

I would not like if my schedule was disrupted and if I needed to make extra arrangements to accommodate the change, of course. I would definitely appreciate the honesty, but would one hour really make such a difference for her? She could also just start her work day later if she agreed to see a client after hours.

Oooh, yeah. This kind of change would be upsetting to me too. It's already hard enough trying to juggle therapy and work. That said, I'd also appreciate the T's honesty, and maybe look at it as an example of advocating for yourself? What I mean is... this is how people handle situations when they commit to something, but realize that it might not be working for them and want to make an adjustment. Sometimes it's good to have an example, so that if something comes up for you, you can do the same.

A couple of thoughts:

You said that you can't really say no. But, it sounds like your T actually did give the option to say no to the change? So, you can. It sucks, it will be hard, but it would be a way of you practicing self-care, right?

Something like, "T... I'm really sorry to hear that you're tired out by 5pm. I wish I could come an hour earlier, but my work schedule isn't going to allow it. I'm already coming in to work earlier than normal, so that I can leave earlier, and have a long commute to get here... trying to get here earlier isn't going to work for me."

I've had to say something similar with my piano teacher. In fact, this week he was out on my lesson day, and wanted me to come earlier, the day before, to make up my lesson. I told him that it wasn't going to work - there's more traffic, and it would be hard to get out of work early enough to get there. (So instead, he'll credit me on the next bill for the missed lesson.)

It's unfortunate when we can't easily change something to meet someone else's needs, but it happens - it's part of the negotiation of life. She asked, and you're perfectly within your rights to tell her that it would be too much of a hardship.

Everything else that your feeling, the anger, frustration, betrayal, etc... I'd feel like that too. But, it might be worth talking through some of that with your T, if you can? In theory, it should be good stuff for therapy (but some therapists are not so good at handling it when it concerns your reactions to them, so use your best judgment!)

Good luck. Scheduling changes, especially when you have to coordinate with work, are always hard and stressful. I hope you guys can work out something good for both of you!

My T went on vacation out of the country, returned and I was her 9 am slot. She was obviously tired and jet lagged, said some out of characteristic things, and apologized next visit. I would of like to have her cancel my 9 am and see her when not tired and able to give 100% to me.

It would hurt to hear my therapist is strained when my appointment comes around. That would be very difficult and hard not to blame yourself for.

From a outside perspective this is what I'm hearing. She tried to accommodate some patients with tight schedules, gave it a shot and it just didn't pan out. The work day gets to her by then. Since she's giving you other appointment times I wouldn't consider it unprofessional because even though it's not fun to figure out she's a person who has to make sure her own well-being is doing well too.

Otherwise, she shouldn't be able to fully pay attention to you which wouldn't be fair. It's your hour and she should be fully alert and ready to listen and comprehend everything you're bringing to the table. I would think that continuing doing a time where she can't be on the ball would be more unprofessional than switching times.

Yes, I would be.
I know my T use to do evening appointments. But then she didn't see clients back to back.
Maybe this would raise my concerns, for me, about Ts time management.

But yeah. Bring it up