I'm in a bad place

How are you feeling? Have you heard back from ur t about being blocked or have had another session. I've research about an ex t and looked for info on them through their friends and family Facebook pages but never had the guts to tell her but I remember feeling really ashamed about doing it. I've looked up current t. Shes had a lot online from life before t as shes a student

Hey, I’ve been following your post for a while and wanted to say a few things.

First of all, thank you so much for being so open. You are not alone in feeling this way. I too struggle with feeling connected with my T outside sessions and have gone far and beyond with my “research”. I found out things about him that he probably can’t imagine (though lately I’m beginning to think he can actually imagine the extent to which I’ve googled him). Nothing illegal or private...but it did take a lot of digging on my part. I too have looked at people who are friends with him just to see if they’d post anything about him. Facebook (social media in general) is surprisingly transparent if you don’t take measures to hide your online activity. I agree with the others: how public or private a T’s page is is their responsibility, not yours. You can’t help what you feel the need to look for. Longing doesn’t come from our logical brain, it comes from our primal, emotional brain. You don’t need to beat yourself up over stuff that’s public and available. That being said, I think it’s good to feel a little bit of guilty about it. I think that when not distorted, guilt is a good indicator of what we need to work on; what we need to admit to ourselves; where we need to shift the focus so that we can grow as people. I’m really glad you have such an open, accepting T who is willing to work through this with you.

I also understand why you were angry with some of the things she said (the things you found infantilising). I don’t know if the following applies to you and I apologise if I’m off the rails, but what I’m about to write is definitely true for me. Often, when I fall into the rabbit hole of obsessively researching my T, the need for connection comes from a very young part of me. Kind of like a kid who’s tugging on to her parent’s coat for attention/reassurance that they are still there. Whenever I revealed snippets of my research to my T, he, like your T, was very understanding and even mildly comforting. At first, I couldn’t understand why he was so soothing/accepting—it reminded me of the way someone would talk to a vulnerable child. But then I realised he was directly addressing the need I have for him, which is a childish, primal, tremendously strong need. Maybe your T was trying to talk to those parts of you who are young? We all have them...I think I act out of my young parts more than any other parts. And it helps when someone acknowledges them. So maybe you could try viewing it in that way too if you feel it applies?

In terms of her blocking you on Facebook—I’m sorry. That would hurt me too. I think it’s ok to be angry. Her actions hurt you and you have a right to feel whatever emotions bubble to the surface. That being said, I feel as though she was right in blocking you. She is taking responsibility for how visible she is online. In the long run, this may even be helpful to you. Now that the temptation to look isn’t there anymore, you can channel your curiosity about her to the session and get to know her though her, not through the internet. I think it will take away a lot of the guilt that you are feeling about this whole thing. You’re no longer doing something you feel like you shouldn’t be doing, so no need to feel guilty. I also think the therapeutic relationship would grow stronger and more authentic as a result.

I really liked the idea of people having voids in them that nobody can fill completely. Our therapists, whilst often being extremely important people in our lives, can’t fill that void. Neither can our partners, our parents, our friends or children. It’s up to us to work on filling it up, one stone at a time. I struggled with this notion for my whole life. When I started getting attached to my T, I desperately wanted him
to fill the void. But, after being in therapy for two years, I am starting to realise just how much more rewarding it is to have someone show you how to fill the emptiness—to show you how to find enough strength to pick up that first stone, or boulder, and throw it into the void. Little by little, the void gets filled and it can never be un-filled again because you are the one who worked to fill it. That way, when you lose people who are dear to you, you may suddenly find yourself without big stones and boulders, but never as empty as you once may have felt. Sorry if this is a stupid analogy, I’m not sure I’m expressing this feeling correctly.