I'm in a bad place

Well, I'd hope she wouldn't think it was that simple, but it's hard to say. I don't think my T really gets it (so I just don't tell him stuff I've looked at anymore). I guess it depends on how you talk about it. Like if you tell her, "I feel this has become an obsession--I need help to stop" that might make it more clear.

I wasn't describing an ultimatum, quite the opposite actually - I was imaging a discussion where both therapist and OP agree mutual boundaries, not where OP just agrees to what the therapist sets out. OP should be encouraged to describe her boundaries and whether the relationship is sustainable for her.

Isn't part of this the therapist's responsibility? I mean, in terms of adjusting privacy settings on facebook and such like. My T is pretty open and I have looked at her page a few times (not that I'd ever tell her) but I would think if she didn't want me viewing anything all she has to do is adjust her settings. It's easy enough to do. I can understand a T feeling violated if they weren't aware of what a client could find out about them, but once they do know, they can and should take their own steps to manage this if they so choose, rather than put all the blame on the client. Hopefully this is what the OP and T can work out together rather than apportioning blame anywhere. In this day and age it's so easy to cross boundaries.

That's a good point. I think it's a big part of why my T isn't on social media (he's said he's not on it--though I suppose he could be and just well-hidden). I mean, he's on LinkedIn but that doesn't really count. There are settings in Facebook where you can either not allow people to tag you in photos or have to approve them first.

When I found out the one thing about my T, which was something on a public site (not social media and not like MyLife or one of those search things), he was at first bothered, then was like, "Well, I guess it is part of my public life, so it's OK."

Certainly many people (including Ts) don't truly get these things beyond what they learned about them. I understand because the out of control part that often defies every rational consideration and self-interest is indeed hard to imagine if one has not experienced it directly. But it's similar for many other mental health conditions, even something as "trivial" as depression, how these things affect people's choices and functioning. I know I do not truly get quite a few of them either as far as truly being able to imagine from the inside, and you're right that in such situations people often minimize, dismiss or freak out.

What I personally don't like in how many Ts approach obsessions and addictions is being stuck in the old dogmas and simplistic explanations. For example, they sometimes think it's enough treatment to just go and talk about it, to figure out the causes. One of mine, who actually claimed to be an expert in these things, approached it like that and even discouraged me to seek help outside of therapy. "Just come and talk." I could have killed myself talking about it endlessly. Fortunately, more and more clinicians are now interested in expanding their horizons with 21st century knowledge, but many still do not really apply it in their practices or encourage clients to develop a more complex set of tools for change. And yes, these things are usually very hard to talk about, jut like gross traumas, because of the associated shame. So if a T approaches it with boundary setting, that can easily validate the clients' shameful feelings, that they do wrong. The nature of obsessions is really not being able to apply boundaries in a realistic and healthy way. It is often compared to light switches where something in the mechanics goes wrong - we may wish/expect it to work properly all the way we want, but it won't just happen magically. I think many people who suffer these know exactly what it should be like, just unable to stick to it. IMO, the true solutions are usually outside of the actual area where the obsession manifests, i.e. in this case likely in many places in OPs life, not so much in the therapy relationship. Of course that can be useful part f the discussion, I just hope it goes much further, including into practical considerations for how exactly to resist urges and change behavior. As far as the Ts freaking - I think it is absolutely their responsibility to protect their privacy in any way they want, or to accept the fact that clients will look at the info. I am pretty sure it's not only OP even just with this one T, this is super common.

When is your session? I am so sorry you have to wait in this suspended state of anxiety. I am glad the idea of limermece was of help. A female psychologist wrote a memoir last year about how she just lost it in her 30's and stalked this guy for real. You have not done anything very bad here like that, and you are shaming yourself so much it is hard to see that you need any more reprimanding by your T. I hope your T can muster some curiosity about you and your history with this, and then role up her selves to help you figure it all out. I agree with others that "move forward together" sounds like she isnt definitely going to terminate you, but she is in no mood to spoon you reassurance without seeing you face to face?

at this point, even I am in suspense vicariously. I think on PC we've seen therapists make a range od decisions with this one situation. I, like most, am hoping your T turns out to be one of the sturdy, steady ones devoted to your care, and even intrigued by all this enough to dig into the why's with you.

Do you have any idea what you might be evading by giving this gift of your total attention to others? I say gift bc I love human analytical thinking, intelligence, attentiveness - the poet Yeats calls it our "brightening glance". We all know your T probably isn't worthy of all the focus you give her, and that it is about something in you, not something in her. Even if she experiences it as intrusive , you haven't hurt her . I do worry if she terminates you, it will hurt you, you will have hurt yourself. I am not sure if it is by obsessing or by not using the social skill of concealing the obsessing, but the core issue definitely is the sum-total of life-energy that get spent on someone not reciprocating at the same intensity.

My relationship with my T preoccupies me more than any other relationship. I don't know that it is obsession, but it might be since I am more interested in him than in my SO or anyone in my real life at this point. I dont have this problem typically, and have never been obsessive before. This is also my first time in therapy ( year 4). I gradually realized it is because while I trust Dr. M as psychologist and we have made amazing concrete strides together working on what he calls Capital Trauma (csa), I do not always trust him as a person, a human in real life. This combination attracts the kind of hypervigilance I demonstrated as a tiny kid for the perpetrator . So it is a mess- either an unhealthy trauma bond with my T replicating childhood or a really productive working through that is now in its mid arc and absorbing like good, creative work is absorbing. My T taught me how to vanquish dissociation as a defense, but he lies like a champion , smoothly, right to my face, and he finally admitted this and apologized. He is there for me with such loyalty, teaching object constancy, growing along with me and saying how much he cares, but then he refused listen that he was overcharging for sessions suddenly, and now owes me a few thousand dollars back that I can't afford to be without (either bc the insurance company messed up and he didnt notice/ dismissed my concerns too fast or bc he messed up but was too-cool to believe he could until now the insurance company called it out. . This mix of adoration / skepticism keeps me riveted to his every move and communication. I think about him much more than if I just trusted him, and i have searched and found out much about him once I realized he had told me a flat out lie in year one. I love my T deeply, I recognize his excellence of fit for me in terms of our intellectual compatibility , but i am just not sure who he is in terms of his character or real personality. Because of my history, I have chosen wisely in my romantic relationships soI am surprised to find myself here, at once deeply loving and deeply doubting a psychologist. wtf, therapy!!

I interpreted this as "we have to discuss together" not "move forward together." As in, "we need to buy apples at the store together." The placement of the word 'together' is throwing me off.

Knowing her, I have a feeling this is her way of saying that she won't terminate me without interaction first- and that we need to discuss together if our time together is over. So, it'll seem like a 'mutual' decision to terminate, even though it's really not. When she says "we'll discuss in session," that leads me to believe she wants to discuss the reasons to terminate in person, rather than send me a blanket "yes, we're terminating" over text.

I feel like an idiot for being so upset over this

I just don't think she is really familiar with how privacy settings work. This obsession started years ago when I admitted to stalking her facebook page. She then told me she had no idea it was public. A couple of days later it was private and I could never look at it again.

Her wife's page is private too. The picture I saw on facebook was a picture her wife was tagged in by a friend of theirs who had a public page. There is no way I would even know to look at that person's page except I connected the dots years ago and figured out this person was friends with my T and her wife, so I've been stalking HER page now, in hopes she would post something about my T or her wife. And she did. First time in forever. I'm sure if my T knew how easily I know how to navigate Facebook (or even really understood how Facebook works), she would have found a way to make sure those tags stayed private.

In fact, I know that. I didn't even tell her how I knew her wife was pregnant, but I guess she figured it out because her wife is no longer tagged in that photo (even though the photo is still public). How mortifying That means she must have had a conversation with her wife and asked her wife to untag herself. I don't even want to know how that conversation went

I think she is doing her due diligence to keep her info private... she just probably never suspected I would look for tags of her wife by a friend. That's two degrees removed from her. I'm such a freak

Our T's can be huge figures in our lives, and it is actually a good sign about you that you are bonded and care . Don't grovel. It is her JOB to work with you. If you didnt struggle, you wouldn't pay her to work through all this with you. Go in there and tell her you are glad this came up, this is your core issue, and you can't wait to get to work untangling it and using that same energy in a different way that elevates and enriches your own life. If you feel like an idiot, then that is partly her.

Some of us give our T's way too much power. I do to mine. However, this summer I broke out and showed both of us I was stronger than expected ( and so did LT with her T). Maybe she will see you with new eyes, if you dont apologize too much for struggling with something that is a legitimate symptom of both attachment disorders and trauma?

Also, feel free to ignore this point bc I am more fired up than usual about T's sitting in judgement of their patients rather than getting to work helping them.

I hope the discussion goes well and you can mutually put some boundaries in place that are workable for both of you, allowing you to continue working together if that is what you desire.

It may be that it is time to consider a different therapist if continuing with her has become less effective because it has opened up such an obsession that you've lost focus on your own self in your therapy, but perhaps now that you have opened up about this, it might squelch that impulsive desire a bit.

It also may be that she was okay with managing the behaviors when it only involved herself and her wife, but in realizing your behaviors have reached out into a wider range of friends -- and the additional issue of a child eventually being part of the mix -- those behaviors may have crossed a line that is much harder to manage on her end and less acceptable.

I hope the discussion is open and thorough, and that whatever is decided is a solution that works best for all involved.

I think it is very easy to read all sorts of things into someone else's ambiguous words. Probably it is actually for the better that you are imagining worst case scenarios, because if it does come true, you will be more prepared. And if not, it will be relief and a good example that often we imagine threats where there is none. That's anxiety.

Please try not to worry about their life, they should manage that. I imagine it'll be a bit uncomfortable for you, for a while, if they really carefully put everything on private and you won't be able to access the info. I've experienced things like that and eventually I was grateful for it because it no longer reinforced my compulsion. The reinforcement is a major factor in what keeps this going as it gives us little fragments of reality to feed the fantasies. I think pure fantasies are usually less addictive.

You're not a freak... And I understand feeling mortified that she had to talk to her wife to get her to remove the photo tag--I felt similarly when I alerted my T that his wife was in a Facebook group with me, and shortly afterward (like 2 hours later), she left the group. So they obviously discussed it. I also felt awkward that she had to leave a group because of me (he said she wasn't that active in it anymore anyway, which I think is why I didn't realize she was there sooner).

I’ve done all the things you have done and I’ve told my T about it. I’m not exactly sure why I’ve felt the need to search for him online, but I have. I’m pretty respectful in my life outside of therapy, so it felt out of character but I really wanted to know more about him and I still do at times. I’ve searched family members as well in the hopes of finding info about him and I’ve felt mortified at the thought that he might have a conversation with them about what I’ve told him. I felt ashamed about this behavior and ultimately confessed, but to my surprise his response was something like, “of course you’d want to know more about me. It’s only natural.” He also told me a story about a conference he went to where the speaker, a psychologist, told about how she once drove by her own therapist’s house (before social media perhaps). So he totally normalized it. Anyway, we are humans and we can be curious, I guess, about this person who we share so many intimate details with. I hope your T will also be accepting of this behavior.

I tell L that I research her. She has never asked me to stop. She just asks that I tell her what I find, and how it affects me.

I'm in agreement with the others. It sounds like your T is willing to still work with you. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

You’re not a freak. You’re curious. You may be attached. I’m not familiar with your history but if it’s anything similar to mine this ‘obsessing’ over T’s photos and news may be a symptom of how hurt you have been and how ‘big the hole is.’-
My Previous T once said, (paraphrasing here), ‘No matter how much I ‘give’ it’s never enough...”

It was later I realized...*that’s* an example of how BIG ‘the hole’ ..or the trauma..or my neediness is.. She listened to me, she valued me, she encourages me to value myself. Who wouldn’t want more of that? Who wouldn’t want to keep a calming photo of T in mind to call on when times get too tough? Who wouldn’t want to put T on a pedestal and figure out how she manages her own family dynamics so, maybe, they could emulate her?

Truthfully, I have done way worse than stalk a T’s FB page. (Not meaning anything harmful) because that’s how big *my* hole is.

Hope your session goes smoothly and your T handles the situation honoring your pain with understanding and grace.

You story touches me on a personal level and i admire how honest and articulate you are with us and yourself. I really do hope that your T will see past being threatened, as there is nothing threatening in your behaviour, and will try to resolve it with you.
I also thinks is very brave of you to bring it up to her.

It seems she is still willing to work with you but might firm up her boundaries and/or hold you to respecting her privacy from now on. In other words, come (together) to some sort of 'contract' regarding how to proceed.

Her reply suggests she wants to start a dialogue with you and, depending on your reaction, continue or terminate.

The overwhelming feelings you have about your T are very common...believe me, you are far from the only client to dig into a therapist's personal life!

The transference you have with her is extremely strong; a talented therapist will use the transference to work through your challenges, issues, obstacles.

I really admire you for being upfront and straight about your behavior and your concerns. If she's a wise T she will help you through this, not terminate you.

Unless there is far more than what you are putting on here I would suggest trying to take a deep breath. If she is a good T she will work through this with you. Like I said earlier I have looked up and found a ton of information on my T... and a bunch of my sources are far sketchier than yours yielding a wide variety of information. I don’t think my T would even be close to terminating with me. As a matter of fact a couple months ago we were talking about where I live and he flat out told me that he and his wife are good friends with one of our neighbors! Then as things move on we discovered that I help keep an eye on T’s friends elderly parents especially when T’s friend is out of town! So, at least for my T it isn’t a huge deal AND he totally knows that clients are curious and go looking for things. So, please try to take a deep breath and keep an open mind until your appointment.

That's exactly how I feel. I don't think this "hole" will be filled no matter how much I find out about her. She'll never be exactly what I need her to be in my life, and I just can't seem to come to terms with that. I've done worse things than stalk her facebook page too (also, nothing illegal or anything like that), but I will NEVER tell her those things. I think this 'confession' was a big enough step for me (even though it still just scratches the surface).