I'm in a bad place

I used to feel really guilty about the things I did to feel closer to her. Again, it was nothing illegal.

As I’ve said before, she commented, “No matter how much I give, it’s never enough..” I thought she was admonishing me..complaining about me... blaming me. That’s how I think of myself..as bad, as wrong.

But later I realized..all this neediness...that’s how big the ‘hole’ is...that’s evidence of the damage I’ve experienced...I talked to PrevT about it and she agreed that’s what she meant by her comment, too.

So, now I don’t feel as guilty about that neediness.

Maybe one day you’ll feel secure enough to talk to your T about this. And I hope it helps you to understand it a little more.

The truth is that if someone really wants to remain obscure online, they can do so. It takes some time and effort, but it is certainly possible. I've done it myself in the past.

Hi all, I'm meeting with my therapist tonight. I am so scared and so nervous. I don't want to shut down during the session, which is what I do when I feel a lot of shame. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. If you could all send some good thoughts my way, I would really appreciate it.

HUGS @justagirl2019

Really hope it goes ok. Thinking of you.

I've been silent here and only reading, but I'm also thinking of you. Hope it goes well, hugs from the other side of the world

Let us know how it goes if you feel happy to share.

Yes, please let us know how it goes when you feel up to it (if you want, of course!)

I have been reading your posts and i hope your session goes well tonight. I hope you will share if you feel up to it. Hugs

Hey everyone, I just got home from my session. No termination or plans to terminate. I will share details in the morning when I can focus more. My anxiety was through the roof the entire session and I said maybe 5 words. It’s mostly a blur but I do remember some key points which I’ll share in the morning- it’ll help me to write it out, and I think it might help some of you too. Thank you all for sticking with me.. it’s because of this forum I was able to hold myself together until tonight. You are the best. I just had to share something before the day was over. I’ll share more in the morning. For now, I need a lot of sleep

I'm glad to hear there are no termination plans. Looking forward to reading more when you're ready. Hugs...

I am also glad to hear your T doesn't have any plans of termination!

I am very glad she has no plans of termination

I'm glad the appointment went well. HUGS Kit

Relieved and glad to hear no terminaton

I am curious how your session went. What happened when you met?

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

My former T was someone who I always thought would be there and he promised that he would never give up on me. One day, I went into the office and he told me that I was terminated and I was in complete shock. He said my behavior was unruly and he also yelled at me and said that he hated me. He also told me that he probably wouldn’t even care if I took my own life. I was ripped to shreds. He caused me so much harm that it took years to heal that wound. I have an amazing T now and when I look back at how he treated me, I feel so much safer now.

The point of my story is that termination is very painful and it hurts but one day in the future, it will hurt less. I know it doesn’t seem like that now because I never thought I’d get past that pain, but I made it through it.

We are here for you.

I just saw the good news of no termination. That is wonderful!

Hi everyone, thanks again for your support. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to circle back on how my session went. I've been feeling really drained and tired for some reason.

As I mentioned, my therapist didn't terminate. I have to admit, I was really surprised. I was shaking and near tears the entire session - I think I maybe said like 10 words the entire time. I felt like I was having an out of body experience because I was so anxious. I could spend days writing about my session, so I'll just try to sum it up as best I can, and just share some of the bigger things that have stuck with me.

These aren't the exact words that were said, but I think framing my session in a conversation format will get the point across the best. These are highlights, and not conversations related to each other. Just blurbs that have stuck with me:

T: "I'm sure this has been a hard week for you. I just want you to know it's been a really hard week for me too. I've spent a lot of time thinking about your email. I think it was good for both of us to sit with it for a bit."
T: "You asked me in your text if I was going to terminate you. I know I was vague in my response but that was because this can only be talked about and understood in person. Therapy is for you, and you alone. This is about you, not me, and what's in your best interest. I can't decide what's in your best interest on my own. I don't have that right. You need to have a voice. I could never, and will never, decide on my own what is best for you."

T: "I know you haven't shared with me everything you know about me, but nothing you have shared with me so far has made me angry. I understand you're curious about me. Instead of digging on your own, I would really like it if you would come to me directly and ask me any questions you might have. I'm here, right here, and you can talk to me. In fact, I encourage you to. Because when you seek information on your own, you're left to interpret those things on your own, without me framing it for you. I have a right to privacy, as do you, and a right to frame how I want you to know me. Does that make sense? It's interesting because you told me you seek information on your own to get to know me better... but that's not me!! That's the internet. I'm right here, right in front of you. You can ask me whatever you want, and if I don't want to talk about it, I'll let you know." (This didn't make me angry in the moment, but it did after the fact - it felt like she was sugarcoating it to make me feel better. It's hard to explain what I mean by that)

T: "I can help you grieve that we can't be friends. But I can be so much more to you. And the goal is that you will always feel like I am with you because I will be." (This part made me want to vomit... I felt like she was talking to me like a little kid who missed her mommy while she was in kindergarten. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.)

T: "I'm sure a lot of emotions came to the surface when you found out I have a new baby on the way. It's a really big deal! I'm sure you felt a little angry, sad, jealous., etc. I went back and forth about whether or not to tell you, but I decided I was going to tell you" (This made me angry because her wife looks to be 8 months pregnant... so how long was she going to wait before she told me?!?!)
T: "The reason I was hesitating in telling you was because I knew it would bring up a lot of emotions for you... and I was fearful you wouldn't want to talk about those emotions. You would just bottle them up." (I have a hard time talking in general... sometimes I say like 10 words an entire session... and most of them being the words "I don't know" when she asks me a question. So I guess I kind of see where she is coming from.)
T: "In fact, that's why I have been divulging less and less about myself over time. Because you don't ever want to talk about it. And I don't want to bring up personal stuff about myself that could bring up bad emotions inside of you, and then you don't want to talk about them." (Again, fair point.)

T: "To continue working together, we need to set some ground rules. I want you to commit to asking me questions in person, and not looking for information on your own. I know the change won't happen overnight, but I need you to commit. And when you do find yourself looking for information, I want you to let me know so we can talk about how you were feeling at the time, and what made you want to do it. Also, you need to come to session every week. I know you tell me you are "sick" a lot when you don't want to come in to talk about something. I know sometimes you really are sick, but a lot of times you aren't. You need to come every week. I've never charged you a cancellation fee (sidenote: I feel like such a jerk because more often than not I've cancelled hours in advance... I'm really not that great of a client when you really think about it), but I am going to start charging one. Because you NEED to come. Because we are never going to make progress if we keep having these interruptions. I know I can help you. I can help you in so many ways. But you need to let me in. Can you promise me that?"

I'm already emotionally drained from writing this. I'll try to share more later. I could seriously write a 40-page paper on the session. There was so much. All in all, I'm feeling a lot of emotions... I'm happy about some things, angry about other things. I don't feel any better about my attachment but I guess everything will take time. Hopefully.

Thanks for listening to me

She sounds like she really wants to help you and is going to be there for you. Thank you for sharing with us. Lots of hugs