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Old 11-12-2019, 10:37 AM   #1
justagirl2019
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Default I'm in a bad place

Hi everyone, I'm new to posting. I really need someone's help. Without going into details, I have a feeling my therapist of 8 years is going to end things when we meet next week. I sent her a very long email on Friday divulging a lot of things - including my obsession with finding out everything I possibly can about her and her family and friends over the past 8 years (I've done some serious digging and crossed many boundaries). I have a sick obsession and I can't quit. I've hinted at this before with her, and she said we would work through it together - and I kept telling her I never wanted to talk about it. She has been the best therapist ever - extending herself in ways that I am eternally grateful for. She is perfect. Anyways, she sent me a text that leads me to believe she is too angry to continue with me. I know her so well at this point, I can read her very well. I even mentioned in my email that maybe I need to cut ties completely with her because it's too painful to know about her real life (because I want to be with her at all times). Again, I think "the talk" is happening next week and I'm beside myself. I don't want to lose her. She won't even talk to me on the phone because "this needs to be discussed in person"

If anyone has been "fired" by a long-time therapist that you were really attached to, can you please let me know how you handled it? What you did to stay strong? I feel like I want to die.
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Old 11-12-2019, 09:58 PM   #2
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Default Re: I'm in a bad place

Can you say what her text was? Maybe that will help with context?
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Old 11-12-2019, 10:27 PM   #3
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Default Re: I'm in a bad place

Maybe you can still work things out. The obsession is YOUR problem and I would hope that she can find away to help you with it. It sounds like you have suggested cutting ties as a way to help yourself with the pain? Maybe she can help you find another way? Or maybe she will agree with you that is the best thing to do. You can't know for sure until the session.

Congrats to you for bringing the issue to a head as it sounds like it is pretty difficult for you right now.
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Old 11-12-2019, 11:01 PM   #4
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Default Re: I'm in a bad place

Iím so inspired by your honesty and strength, even during this uncertain time.
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Old 11-13-2019, 06:39 AM   #5
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Default Re: I'm in a bad place

The text would help to give context because maybe she's simply saying that you need to discuss this with her in person.

It's super brave to tell her about it, it's also super normal to become obsessive and to google etc, I'm sure many of us have been or are in a similar situation. You just want to know more about her and I can certainly relate to the obsessive nature of trying to find out more and more information about a therapist. Also, anything that's openly available on the internet is fair game IMO.
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Old 11-13-2019, 07:00 AM   #6
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I really think you should find a second T , with a relational background, to help you orto act as a consultant. You are going to need support if she terminates with you. What made you decide to share this with her now? I hope she sticks it out with you, if that is what you want. Obsession ( called limerence sometimes) functions as a way to keep the mind off other painful internal things, and takes away a lot of energy forgiving and for self exploration. i really feel for how much this must hurt, and I hope she stays and supports you.
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Old 11-13-2019, 07:47 AM   #7
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No offense but I can see why she would be concerned although I am not sure termination is the right answer either.
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Old 11-13-2019, 08:14 AM   #8
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I had a long time T terminate me very unexpectedly. It was scary for me when I was in her office because I had no clue she was upset until I got there. My current T is mortified at how she handled the situation (which was different from yours).
On the other end of things I 1. Tend to know a lot about my therapists as I put together small details and I donít forget much and 2. Am not above a good google search. One did become concerned I was stalking her. She was however very against me terminating with her. We talked about her concerns and if I had any kinds of plans for using all that I knew which I did not. She did say that if she found me using any of the information I had acquired (like going to her house or contacting friends/family) that it would be a severe breach of trust and we would have to discuss the ramifications.

Current T I know a TON about. Some he has disclosed but a lot was found with some very lucrative google searches. If I were to ďcome cleanĒ and tell him everything I know... 1. He would understand my wanting to know BUT he would be concerned about how I decided to get the information. He would have preferred I ask him as he has always been very open and honest with me. 2. He would be shocked at how much I was able to put together which may rightfully cause some fear/concern... So... I can see him taking in that concern and changing the accessibility to some of that information overall... NOT as punishment to me just because I raised his awareness and others might not just be curious. 3. T and I... I donít think it would be grounds for termination with him. I can see him insisting on talking about it in person. No matter how much it may (or may not) have angered or upset him he would not want me to feel ashamed about it (not proud of it either). I know we would talk about where the need to know so much about him came from and why I didnít feel I could come to him with that need. I am sure there would be some stern moments but I think we would be OK in the end.
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Old 11-13-2019, 09:00 AM   #9
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Default Re: I'm in a bad place

Yes, it is possible she may let you go.

However, you can still hold yourself accountable (of all these transgression of boundaries) and tell her that you would like to continue to work with her and learn how to stop and relate in a 'healthy' way from now on. Then, not knowing what precisely happened between the two of you, the ball would be in her court.

You can ask for referrals too, if need be.
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Old 11-13-2019, 09:16 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by velcro003 View Post
Can you say what her text was? Maybe that will help with context?
I've written her many eye-opening emails in the past that always made me nervous to see her afterwards. More times than not I would cancel the next session because I just couldn't see her face to face. For some reason, having a two-week break always helped, even though when I would come back I would insist we talk about something else. She would try her hardest to convince me that we should talk about my emails, but I wouldn't budge. I am the queen of avoidance. I think she is getting sick of my patterns. Usually she would try hard to convince me to come in after writing an email, saying something like..."please come in, I promise everything will be okay." And, she would always thank me for writing, because "I know how hard this is for you." This time, this is how the conversation went:

Me: "Just a reminder I won't be coming in this week. I'll keep you posted about next week"
Her: "Ok - thanks for telling me."
Me: "Did you read my email?"
Her: "Yes"
Me: "Are you angry with me?"
Her: "I am not going to discuss this over text. We'll have to talk about it."
Me: (after a whole day goes by and I feel like I need to see her because she sounds so angry): "Is my session this week still open?"
Her: "No. Sorry."
Me: "Do you have any other sessions open?"
Her: "I will see you next week."
Me: "Can we do a session on the phone?" (for the record, I have never asked for this before - I hate the phone - but I was feeling desperate)
Her: "No. We need to talk in person."

And that was it. I want to cry.
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