Couch 208: The Practical Couch

Hope you feel better soon @Polibeth! Keep taking care of yourself! HUGS Kit

So much better today than I was earlier in the week. I'm just tired though because I did some pretty intense stuff at work for a change. I wasn't tired this morning but I am now after doing that stuff at work. But it's like a good tired. Like ahhh, I accomplished something! I did skype one of the owners of the company I work for, and I was like, "Okay so this is sort of a dumb question--but I'm going to ask it anyway." So I did. I wanted to know who was my direct report. Like who do I go to if I have a problem. You would think it would be obvious right? But it's not. There's a lot of chiefs at this company and they haven't put out an organizational chart so it's hard to know who I actually report to. There's the General Manager but he doesn't know what I do and he doesn't have anything to do with the accounting/financial side of things. I mean he gets the weekly reports and stuff but that's about it. So if I have technical questions I go to the controller or one of the owners. If I have like other questions, or concerns, or something I usually just go to the controller or maybe one of the owners. But I'm cognizant of organizational hierarchies and I'm like, hmmm, maybe I am supposed to be going to the General Manager. I'd rather not. I'd rather go to the controller or the owner. But I do go to the General Manager if I need time off or something like that. But I don't see myself going to him for a personnel problem and certainly not for a personal problem! So the owner that I skyped was like, can I call you? I was like, of course. So she said 5 minutes. She called me and she talked to me about who to go to for what kinds of problems. She wanted to know if I had an example. I didn't really, I just wanted to know for the future, but I think I have it sorted now. I am supposed to go to the General Manager if I am having a personnel issue or a personal issue but I don't have to. I can go to the owner if I wish. So basically however I've been doing it has been okay and continues to be okay. So that's kind of good. Today I asked the controller a question regarding job costing and I found an error that we had been making by not including the commissions earned. So she was like good job! And the owner when I was talking to her said everyone is really happy with me and happy with my performance and if everything is going well financially she will try to get me a raise at the beginning of the year. Unfortunately it doesn't look like November is going to be a very good month financially so I hope December is better. It's nice getting good feedback at work and it's kind of nice to know who to go to for what. Although I will probably still bypass the General Manager. I don't know. I don't trust him. I hear him talking about coworkers to other coworkers and I'm like, what is he saying about me behind my back? If he is talking about other people, he is probably talking about me. I just try to not give him anything to talk about. Just I don't have a great vibe from him. I am nice to him. I talk to him about stuff we need for the business. I keep him in the loop about business stuff. But I can't see myself going to him and being like, I'm stressed about x, y, z. Or something like that. I just don't see that happening. Another one of the owners is going to be here next week and maybe tomorrow. I haven't had much dealings with him. He occasionally asks me for financial reports or stuff like that to be sent to him and whenever he requests that I get on it right away. But I think he has more to do with the manufacturing side of things while his wife does more of the accounting side of things. So I am usually talking to his wife if I need something, or the controller. So I'm a little nervous that he will be here but I don't think that I will see him much. It's just nice to be focusing on work and not focusing on my doctor appointment and stuff like that. It's like ahhh normalcy. Or what passes as normalcy in my life! HUGS Kit

I'm also struggling because T said he'd let me know if I started getting needy while it was a "tiny monster" before it grew into a big one (which led me to picture a cute tiny monster). But as I'm thinking about it now...why is my being needy a problem at all? And what happens if I become too needy? (I guess what happened this summer happens...as in, rupture). What is "too needy" anyway?

Hugs @LonesomeTonight. I'd be asking myself those same questions if someone told me that. I don't know what is "too needy." In fact my Regular T and I were just talking last night about how when I was a child I wasn't allowed to have needs. I wasn't allowed to be angry, or sad, or cry, or be sick, or hurt. (Obviously I did sometimes get sick or hurt. But then my Mom just shipped me off to the neighbors--literally!) So my Regular T was like what are those needs that little you had that didn't get met, and how can we meet them now? I tell you this because I think having needs is okay. I have trouble myself needing something from someone but I am working on it. I think that needing other people is part of the human experience. Sure sometimes one person can't fill all the needs, but you should be able to express those needs in therapy of all places. I mean, isn't that part of it all? I don't have an answer for what "too needy" is but I think you're doing great just as you are. HUGS Kit

Too needy is the expectation that someone else can and will fill up your hole of need for you.

Having been on the receiving end of this with my husband, I completely understand the difference between having needs and asking for support while you work through whatever the issue is at the moment, as opposed to being needy and expecting someone else to make you feel better.

My husband used to sort of expect and demand I "do" something to make him feel better, and if I didn't do that something (which I often had to figure out because he wouldn't communicate it to me), he would get angry or give me the silent treatment or some other out-of-proportion reaction. That was "too needy".

My husband eventually learned to recognize what he needed and communicate that directly, understanding that all I might be able to do is listen and empathize. And he found that by being direct and realizing that only he could really work through his own issues -- that I couldn't do it for him, although I am completely fine with listening and discussing while he gets his mind wrapped around things, etc. -- actually helped him stay calmer and more rational about things. He realized his could express his needs and work toward taking care of those needs or asking for specific help, and that doesn't come off as "needy" in the least.

LT-ask him what “too needy” is...have him clarify just like with his emails. Wasn’t there something with red, yellow, green...

Well, being needy is a problem for you above all. It means something’s off in your life and you can’t get whatever it is you need from its current construction. And using a therapist to fill those needs is not a good long-term solution. (See: MC, Ex.) It’s like having a fever from an infection and just taking Tylenol instead of antibiotics.

It seems like your daughter is the biggest source of stress in your life right now. I know you’ve mentioned a couple Facebook support groups for kids with autism. Could you reach out to them for support now? Or maybe find like an in-person group? Doesn’t even have to be autism, just parents of kids with special needs.

(Or maybe even the Healthy Parenting forum on here could offer some support.)

I’m sitting in the hair salon waiting to get my hair cut. Some form of self care is needed. My eating has been total crap and therefore my skin looks like total crap so maybe my hairdresser can work wonders on my out of control hair.

LT, are you guys trying to stop your daughter's bedtime activities? Cant you just tell her bedtime is earlier now so she has time for everything, or something like that? I mean, what exactly do you need T for? Im not following...

Yep, he has the green, yellow, red. I recently sent him something and said I hoped it didn't put me in the red. He replied "No, not in the red " (with the smiley emoji). He said recently that I've been sending him emails that are really easy to answer (and only like every 10 days or more), so he hasn't thought at all about charging me for time (if under 15 minutes, he doesn't charge, unless it's like 3 in a week or something). But I imagine at one point, I will end up with more needs, because that's how life goes. Not in terms of email (as then he'd just charge me), but in other stuff. And that's what I worry about--will he be OK with that? Because...being rejected when I'm especially needy will hurt much worse than if I'm at a "green" level of need...

Oh, not trying to stop "activities." The night in question, for about an hour and a half, till 10:30 pm, getting really upset, crying, screaming, not wanting comfort/support from me or H, refusing to go to bed. Finally would only go to sleep in bedroom with H (she wanted nothing to do with me) The past 2 nights, she's gone to bed just fine, reasonable time, in her room, by herself (I did tuck her in). I have no issue if, say, she goes to her room at bedtime and opts to read, or play with the Kindle Fire (as long as not too late), or whatever. Or even if she does the thing mentioned above. It's the getting really upset, sobbing, screaming, refusing to go to bed for an hour or more that's the challenge. And we're trying to work with P to find out what's going on there. Like, she's clearly in distress, it's not just age-appropriate refusing bedtime. There's something else going on. That's what we're trying to figure out.

Yes, I might try reaching out to them more for support. I do have a local friend I met through one of those groups who has 2 kids on the spectrum, and we met for lunch Friday, which was good (spent most of it talking about our kids). There is a local autism group, so maybe I should go to one of their events, too. And I'm hoping having D in therapy now will help, too.

Hey new couch. Hold my spot I'll be back to crash later.

My sister's probably going to get my nieces back by Christmas! And we're going to have Christmas breakfast at her house (my H included)!

L got back to me the next day. Something happened and she didn't see my email. She thought it was weird too that she didn't see an email from me. All is well now.

I feel like I can't even talk to H about anything. Tried showing him the christmas list I've been keeping track of what I've bought and what the kids still want/need. His response was a random sound. I feel like hes mad at me over this CPS thing like it's my fault. Thankfully he's driving his brother out of state tomorrow to go live with his husband and he'll be gone all day

I just applied to go back to college! I'm so nervous! If I get approved, I'm only going to take one class for this semester: online sociology. I "think" I only need 4 more classes to get my AA: sociology, us history (2 semesters), and updating my computer class. I haven't been in school for at least 12 years! I'm scared, but it's online, right? Can't be too bad.

That's great, Scarlet! I took sociology to fulfill a general ed requirement a few semesters ago and enjoyed it. Personally, I like online classes and have done well in them. However, from the dire warnings handed down by most of my professors for my online classes at the beginning of the semester, "online classes aren't for everyone and take a lot of self discipline." I don't know about the lot of discipline part because I have very little. But I think if you find the topic interesting, you don't necessarily need to have any more discipline than for an on campus course. You'll actually find the course interesting and won't be avoidant about engaging with it. Self discipline doesn't have to be a driving factor in that case.

Anyway, I hope you are accepted and are able to get a spot in the sociology class.

I've been putting together a unit on metaphysical poetry tonight. I think I sprained my brain.

Thanks! My reason for an online course is because I'm too afraid to be in a classroom. I'm overweight and nearsighted, so I feel like I'll be blocking the poor people behind me. And then when I was at the college, they had those stupid individual desks, which I know I won't be able to fit into at this point. So if they still have those desks, I'll be assigned a special normal table to sit at. Just all in all embarrassing. I'll never be able to concentrate!

I've taken two self-paced/online courses in the past: computers and algebra. Both are easy subjects for me. I have so many classes "under my belt". I think I'm only missing the 4 I mentioned above in order to get an AA in psychology. After I get that, I might go after child development. That would be nice to have. Then I could work with children.

I'm hoping sociology will be a good class for me.

Hey, Scarlet.

I don't know much about the American system, but I wouldn't think they'd use the individual desks any more, because it would be an inclusivity nightmare. People using wheelchairs and such wouldn't be able to engage. I hope your course goes well.